I am not really sure what I am going to write. I am in an awkward mood. I feel overcome with emotion, but I am not sure what the emotions are or why I am feeling this way.
After I wrote that, this came out. I will share my sciencey, psychology, spiritually, or otherwise type things tomorrow. I suppose.
I was listening to this Explosions In The Sky - Take Care Take Care Take Care – (Full Album.
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My heart is full of what I would describe as a loving type of emotion, while longing to feel connection. The disconnect is causing me to feel lost… more like wandering in a way. I am neither happy or sad, a momentary lapse of grayish, to crimson, to burgundy, to eggplant color, swimming into yellow – reaching out for white and hoping for black.
Not black in a bad way, it is a sense of leaping into a vortex of the unknown; still terrified of the possibility of complete nothingness or utterly everything!
I hold onto the colors as emotions, walking briskly by each face that I have encountered in my lifetime. I have forgotten so many, so many never saw me. I am alone. I am raging with colors and dancing in puddles of mirrors that expose my nakedness, but I never know that I am naked.
I fear, I call out to someone to touch me. Please, let someone know me! There is no one. I look in the mirror shrouded in hues of all and the face is so unfamiliar. Solely, known to ME.
Listening to all the voices, shaking out their vibrations to each other. I am on another plane – my silence is like chaos to them. My eyes are spirals falling into the deep. My mouth speaks confusion in their world.
Where are my friends? Calls out my membranes while I squeak as a mouse in the corner of my room. I do not belong.
What is this love you speak of? My tears whisper through the dewdrops in the morning. I do not know how to be loved by them. I cannot love like them.
Will I ever know what it is like to have what they claim, touch, comfort, peace, the knowing of being adored? My flesh types out into the never-ending quills – ink is solid on the core of keyboards!
I cried on the inside filling my salt-water body with raindrops from the heavens to reach the Universal longing of something BIGGER than, the nothing that tries to escape into my brain cells. They light up my neural pathways, clicking - bouncing, ticking-tapping, zinging-ringing, flaring sparks that cannot be described.
Am I alone? My sweat quivered down my forehead.
Silence struck and I lay bare, beneath the Sun. Glimmering teeth waiting for the walkway to appear. Waiting, waiting for it to appear…
Abiding while my heart bud flowered, unfolding petals, releasing fragrance of want. Wanting something that had no name and all names at once. Each smooth petal being stroked to life, I found my air within the body of someone who was not, never, there.
Singing leaves cradled my bursting stamen floating to catch the ear of my watering Dream. I danced, releasing – letting go of the nothing that I clung to, ripping the roots from my form gently handing them into the arms of all, who looked upon me as nothing at all.
Whimpering petals, fell to the gust of wind hoping to bring back a seed of hope. They drifted on words claiming, “She knows of love. She knows…”
Find me. My eyelashes batted into the vortex – the reflective mirror.
Is that You? Whispered the creases in my lips.
Look closer, listen quietly. My plumping cheeks quaked, and I cried!
Falling into my slumber of solace, I cried. I cried into my isolated hands. Weeping for a Love to come that never came. A realization that it was never meant for me. Never meant for me. All the qualities of sight meant nothing in the depths of hindsight. I fell to my knees, screaming and cursing the very world in which I do not belong!
Ripping apart my flesh, shaving down to my bones, I spewed, “Lick my wounds you evil disillusionment!” Sinking into my colorful spirals, finding peace where I do not belong.
I am alone.
I find no solace in loving with no love in return. I will find comfort in the only eyes that know me, hiding behind the mirror, calling out my name. Unraveling scars, opening lids that have been closed out of fear. I am soothed in knowing, that I do know of love.
I am comforted in knowing the naked body that stands in front of the mirror, twirling with streaming colors that fill the air with laughter, wonder, life, despite having no arms to wrap around the frame. These lips will curve, through despair, I will cry into the cups of the ocean, and scoop my secretions from the dewdrops that share my words. Blowing them into waterfalls of connection – somewhere.
I am slowly taking things back. I am also finding that by working out the twistings that have been seeped into my brain about relationships have distorted my interactions and have made me fearful that people do not like me or that they do not want anything to do with me. I already struggle in this area because of Aspergers (being autistic) and not understanding social situations/rules.
