Finally!

I have been trying to get the formatting correct on my poetry book ALL day. It has driven me to complete battiness. Well, that and my allergies. My head and nose are a mess, it is kind of fun – I am loopy. I say, finally, because I decided to let it go and hit publish on the book. It is in the process now. I can still edit it and that is comforting.

I have noticed that I am getting a little discouraged because I have not had the time to go into research mode on some topics that I would like to venture, but this week is another week filled with social extravaganza so I must save it for later.

Of course, I will share some of my meanderings! I said, I have not gone into “research mode” that is my supersonic-unstoppable-razor-sharp-focus-mode. Research, yes, research mode no. Ha ha ha

I hope I do not sound too loopy, I cannot tell what I am writing. I am just letting it flow. Sometimes I have to do that to get the jumble stuff out of my head.

I have not only had ton of real life social situations this week, but the social stress I feel in the month of April started to take its toll on my mind. I think I combated my anxieties with Autism Awareness Day, but I still feel the lingering bits of something I cannot quite articulate.

This year, I admit I am too tired. I have been through a lot of mind shifts and soul searching. I haven’t the mental energy to spend on much else, but keeping my mind clear and focused. I am doing things in my community, YES, in real life to bring awareness and hopefully acceptance. Some of the events I am going to will have parents that possibly have not met an adult Autistic. Maybe I will have a chance to share, who knows. I am focusing on making connections and go from there.

My social anxieties about going to new places and meeting new people have gotten much less. However, just because I do not “feel” like I used to does not mean that my body and mind are not feeling the effects. I still have anxieties, but have better ways to cope with them … positives ways to cope with them.

Since I have had a burst of self-esteem, it has not been as difficult. It also helps that I have had positives social encounters repeatedly. That makes a huge difference in my anxiety levels. I even had a strange and unnecessary occurrence with a family member on facebook today. I may write a post about it when my head is not so fuzzy. In the past, this incident would have sent me into a panic.

I would have looped, fretted, feared, and panicked some more, but not today. I actually, laughed it off. I do feel some of the prickly bits around my heart that feels like my anxiety, but I have done so much this week and more to do this week that it could be all of that wrapped up together.

Ok, my allergies are getting really bad. I had better go take something and get some good rest. I know this may not be that interesting of brain babble from me. Oh, well there has to be moments where we just let the rambling go and move on.

Sharing a little bit.

Self-Discovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

The Science of Love: How Positivity Resonance Shapes the Way We Connect

The Path To Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Feelin’ Good & A Tad Bit Afraid

I keep finding myself teetering between feeling very good with the directions I am taking in life, but then I am struck with sudden fear. I do know that some of this is anxieties about what I need to do. I also, know that the fear comes because I am making major changes and setting boundaries that I have never had before. It is a struggle to retrain the mind.

There are other factors that play into the sudden feelings of fear as well, but I will not go into them. Instead, I am going to focus on what I am doing with these emotions. (I am processing my fear, but trying not to analyze it and loop about it. I basically know why it is happening.)

I have almost completed my fourth poetry book. I hope to get it out by this Friday or at least this weekend in celebration of my 40th birthday that is on Friday. YAY! That is my goal anyway. I think I can do it.

I really need to work on my author page, but I have been at a loss on what to write. I suppose I really should think about it. To be quite honest, I have not had the self-confidence to be able to think of an author page. Well, I have but not with my words. I do not know how to explain it. I have not considered publishing books or sharing my writings as using self-confidence, but it actually does take some sort of confidence to step out and share with people.

Any time we offer our opinions, talents, ideas, etc … we are taking a chance and it is far more terrifying to step out and share than, to sit back and do nothing. Along with learning boundaries comes a new understanding of self-esteem. I struggle in this area very much – I have many reasons to struggle! However, I do not feel lowly about myself it is more because I have been so unaware of myself that I have gauged much of my self-esteem on how I perceived others to think of me or how others treated me.

I have to tear down that way of thinking and build myself back up with the proper building blocks. One thing I plan to do is celebrate that fact that I am going to be publishing book number four! Hooray for me! I just did that and the thoughts already started.

Who do you think you are?

You are being prideful!

It is only poetry.

You are “self-publishing” that is not the same.

Those types of things flood my mind. They would have never been a thought unless they had already been tiny seeds planted in my head. So, I tell them to SHUT UP! Because bi-golly I have accomplished a lot. Even if I do not get this book out in the time line I would like, I have still completed many of my other goals. I should feel good about that AND it is ok to feel good about that.

I have recently signed up for The Self-Acceptance Project. I have not had a chance to watch all of the videos, but I am actually listening to the first one right now Kristin Neff, PhD — Compassion for the Self-Critic. Hmm… So far, it is good listening.

Watching TED today too; they do not necessarily go with my theme today, but in some ways they do. (to me anyway)

Alain de Botton: A kinder, gentler philosophy of success

Aimee Mullins: The opportunity of adversity (I have watched this before, but it has been a while and thought it would be good to watch again.)

Evelyn Glennie: How to truly listen

I Found My Breath

“I found my breath” is the phrase that filled my mind today. I am not exactly sure what it means, but what I do know is that today I am one-step closer to feeling more comfortable in myself. I mean, I am starting to recognize a lot more of myself. There was such a huge foggy cloud covering my image and memory that I forgot many things that I enjoy.

I forgot many things that I value and do not value. I forgot how strong I am. I forgot how independent I am. I forgot that I know what it is like to be valued. I forgot that I do know how to love. I forgot many, many things.

Last night while, I was in my cycle class I was reminded how much I enjoy working out. I forgot how athletic I am. I had to stop working out because it interfered with someone’s plans and I was made to feel that it was not important because they do not enjoy any sort of physical activity.

The cycle (spin) class I do is extremely intense. My aunt leads it and she is a beast! She pushes us so much in that hour that it feels like we have just done about three days worth of Insanity Workout. Lol! Actually, I do not know that for sure. I have never done that workout I have only seen glimpses of the infomercial. BUT the spin class is intense. Ok, what I noticed last night is that my self-talk has changed during the workout.

I found myself the last three times being able to stand and climb huge hills that I could not do before. I knew that I was doing much better, but I also had not realized how much I was doing before. I had been spinning at the max speed for weeks, but I did not feel comfortable running, or doing standing climbs. I did not think I could do it. Until three weeks ago, when I said to myself “You are a dancer; there is no reason why you cannot do this.”

A’ha! I remembered that I am a dancer. I have a dancer’s body. My legs are strong, my body is strong. I have danced since I was little, I became serious at the age of five, though I could not pursue the dancing career I wanted to, I never stopped dancing. Last night, I heard myself say, “You can do this you are a dancer!” I realized that the last three weeks instead of feeling weak and unable I remembered that I am capable.

I love to dance and that has been stolen from me. I love to write and that joy has (had) been stolen from me too. There was a comment said to me in a derogatory way about my writing and it caused me to shutdown. I do to love write and I believe it has been my subconscious fighting inside of me to bring myself back.

However, I had lost all joy in my writing a while ago. It was no longer something that brought me joy; it had become something that I had to do in order to survive. It was my way of exposing things that had been hidden. I still use my writing for that. I am sure I will for my entire life. When I write I connect to my emotions and thoughts. It makes me more self-aware.

The truth is it was not stolen from me, I only found it easier to hide away what I am good at because it made my life less complicated. I spoke with several of my family members who helped remind me of other parts that I have kept tucked away. It made a difference being reminded of how strong and capable I am. It made a difference being reminded how powerful my voice is and to use it. I forgot, but today I feel as though I found my breath.

I feel as though I am breathing new air.

I read a blog post the other day, I wish I could remember it, but they said something like, you cannot see clearly, until you have hit complete bottom. It’s when you have reached that point of complete exasperation that you have to choose to either stay at the bottom or make the change. (But do not be naive of how difficult it will be, you must be willing to go through all that it takes to get back up.)

I thought I have hit the bottom several times in the last many years, but for some reason I had not hit that point of demanding myself to change. I am there now because I am a fighter. Despite what has been spoken over me for years. I do not like to fight, it goes against who I am, but I am a fighter for my existence. I do have a fire inside of me to fight for people’s lives. I see the value in others. Now I am fighting to gain my life back.

I realized for the first time that even though I have been bullied, abused, ignored, invalided, then some and what not, I have still accomplished a lot. I have done many things to be proud of – I am excited to what I accomplish having a little bit of self-esteem!

I am breathing!

Here is one of the new songs for our playlist with spin class The Black Eyed Peas - Pump It. I do not usually listen to The Black Eyed Peas, but this song works great for pushing  you during a standing run on a stationary bike. (Her version is like 4 minutes long!) It reminds me of my club days when I danced for hours and hours nonstop. Oh, yeah…

This song popped into my head out of nowhere today Nazareth - Hair of the Dog. I have not heard it in ages, but it is one that I used to sing when my first boyfriend would tick me off. Ha ha ha Maybe that’s why it popped in my head, I am getting my humph back! I have no idea what the song is about, alcohol or something?? I’ll look it up later. (giggle, giggle snort)

Wordplay

This morning I opted to turn on the TV with my morning coffee. I had no real interest in anything it was only that the weather has my sensory sensitivities heightened so buzzing sounds fill my ears, the air outside is LOUD, I can hear ladybugs breathing, and you know things like that. My hope was to be control of the sounds entering my ears flooding through my body and mind.

I stumbled onto a movie called Wordplay. I was interested straight away.

“WORDPLAY focuses on the man most associated with crossword puzzles, New York Times puzzle editor/ NPR puzzle-master Will Shortz. The film presents interviews with celebrity crossword puzzlers who reveal their process, insight and the allure of the game.” 

Wordplay Wordplay Full Movie (That is the whole movie for free on IMDb.)

I am not sure how many people would have gotten as excited as I did watching this flick, but I enjoyed it. When I watched Will Shortz creating a cross word I sat in awe and wished I could do that. Those words flooded my mind. “Wow, I wish I could do that. Oh, man I would love that job. If only I could do that.”

I thought about it and realized it was only a fleeting thought. I would not really want to do that with my life. I would enjoy it, yes, but I would not want to do it every day of my life.

I do enjoy what I do now. I need to find a source of income. However, I have not been in a position physically, situationally, probably mentally to achieve that anyway. I have specific requirements in order to be employed, but I am not sure how to go forward with all of that yet. It has been an added burden that I placed on myself when I should be focuses on remembering the positive things about myself and morphing into the person I am supposed to be today. I will be a little different tomorrow, but my love of words and wordplay will never leave me.

I have my own ways of manifesting wordplay’s and that is what makes me giddy and excited on a daily basis.

I’ve Been Quiet, Again

I had not noticed how quiet I have been on my blogs. I seemed to have fallen into a mini-shutdown without realizing it. I was posting quite frequently for a long time. In the last two months, I have not been sharing as much. I have not had the time, or I have been too tired to do so. It is affecting my brain. I have a bunch of jumbled thoughts that need to get out, but I have been unable to collect them in posts that I feel make sense.

They could make sense I am just unsure if they actually do. I wrote a couple of posts for my other blog, but I have not published them. I have been able to write poetry and that is always a good thing for me.

However, I feel stifled in being able to write and share what is going on in me. Some of it is because I cannot express it; I do not know how to articulate my thoughts into sentence structures. I can write out my visuals and blast of emotions through my poetry, but it does not feel satisfying. I have felt the urge to paint again; I started painting today after someone sucked the joy right out of me.

I wish I had the ability to control this. I want to be able to not allow other people’s actions, words, or emotions affect me in such a way, but it was directed toward me. No matter how hard I try, I am still in a fragile state and it upsets me that I can feel deflated by words of another.

I will work through this. I will get there. It is very difficult at the moment though because I have not had contact with my online friends, or my family that I can confide in for about a week. I see this as an opportunity to find my own strength. Bottom line I am the only one who can change my thinking and control how I am affected – it is hard.

Sometimes, I just feel like crying because I wish so much that I had a friend. Just one good friend that I could talk to and hang out with. Oh, well, I don’t so I will focus on changing myself and move forward. I see another positive in that limitations can provoke creativity. I can use my perceived limitations and filter my creativity into something. Who knows what will come of it.

It could be nothing, or it could be a post, poem, a story, a painting, maybe I need to dance??

I am on a “creative” research kick. It won’t last long it is just a spark for the day. It is one of my loops to help get me motivated.

David Lynch: Consciousness, Creativity and the Brain 

The Creative Personality

How Limitations Influence Creativity

Phil Hansen: The art of the imperfect

I shared this next video before, but I like to refresh my memory with things because I can always find something new and fresh from things have read, watched, or listened to before. I am ever progressing in my thoughts and changing so my perspectives will as well.

My mind is still peeling off layers and trying to defend its ground at the same time. It takes a lot of energy. I’ve shared this song before, but it felt like a right song for me tonight.

Words, take her with you
Let her rest in your rhyme
Words, take her away
Somewhere, beyond time

Words, ease her breathing
Lay her softly on the floor
There, let her linger
And listen like ever before

Leave her windows uncovered at night
And fill her room with the city lights
As they illuminate the sky
It reminds her of the people outside
Cause she won’t sleep unless she heals her loneliness

Walk with her beneath the tree tops
Create new paths and memories
Show her, how the sunlight
Glances through the gaps between the leaves

Words, help her change the world
In only one verse
Tell her to reach for the stars
And to always put love first

Leave her windows uncovered at night
And fill her room with the city lights
As they illuminate the sky
It reminds her of the people outside
It reminds her of the people
It reminds her of the people
It reminds her of the people outside

Pondering-Processing-Poetry…

I haven’t much to say, just keeping my mind focused and moving forward. Onward and upward!

Sylvia Plath - Conversation Among The Ruins

Through portico of my elegant house you stalk
With your wild furies, disturbing garlands of fruit
And the fabulous lutes and peacocks, rending the net
Of all decorum which holds the whirlwind back.
Now, rich order of walls is fallen; rooks croak
Above the appalling ruin; in bleak light
Of your stormy eye, magic takes flight
Like a daunted witch, quitting castle when real days break.

Fractured pillars frame prospects of rock;
While you stand heroic in coat and tie, I sit
Composed in Grecian tunic and psyche-knot,
Rooted to your black look, the play turned tragic:
Which such blight wrought on our bankrupt estate,
What ceremony of words can patch the havoc?

SYLVIA PLATH “Conversation Among the Ruins” Study Guide

I Am of Few Words

Tonight I have few words. I am still processing and trying to settle my thoughts. Feeling a little fragile … it should pass soon, soon I hope. I have been soaking up poems from others and enjoying it very much not only on blogs, but visiting the poets from the past. They can rebirth me at times and help bring balance to my teetering thoughts.

I will share only one. I am not exactly sure how I feel about it, or if I even have an interpretation, but I liked the way it made me feel and the visuals it placed into my mind.

Human Cylinders

BY MINA LOY

The human cylinders
Revolving in the enervating dusk
That wraps each closer in the mystery
Of singularity
Among the litter of a sunless afternoon
Having eaten without tasting
Talked without communion
And at least two of us
Loved a very little
Without seeking
To know if our two miseries
In the lucid rush-together of automatons
Could form one opulent wellbeing

Simplifications of men
In the enervating dusk
Your indistinctness
Serves me the core of the kernel of you
When in the frenzied reaching out of intellect to intellect
Leaning brow to brow       communicative
Over the abyss of the potential
Concordance of respiration
Shames
Absence of corresponding between the verbal sensory
And reciprocity
Of conception
And expression
Where each extrudes beyond the tangible
One thin pale trail of speculation
From among us we have sent out
Into the enervating dusk
One little whining beast
Whose longing
Is to slink back to antediluvian burrow
And one elastic tentacle of intuition
To quiver among the stars

The impartiality of the absolute
Routs      the polemic
Or which of us
Would not
Receiving the holy-ghost
Catch it      and caging
Lose it
Or in the problematic
Destroy the Universe
With a solution

Ted musings for tonight.

 Neel Burton – The Anatomy of Melancholy: Can depression be good for you? 

Seeking some brain stirrings with music!

(language warning.) Pearl Jam – Save You

Blackbird ~ Eddie Vedder

Good night!

Unfixable

deliquesce

my cheeks are stained yellow,
remembrance of a sunrise -
it drove its swelling heat,
down; down into a stream,
of hope; twist of love -
waste?
I think Not!
as fixed as possible,
with the dealings of the sunset -
yet to come; never to arrive,
deliquescent haste,
frail and flail
my delicate heart,
hold gently,
please; love, adoration’s!
cup this heavy artery,
collect my tears,
these amber lights;
glare upon you -
fulvous delicacy; {me}
walking into a sunset
existence of amour,
lead to the path, lovely;
time holds no bounds,
fixing such a shredded being – as I
I know,
I have found a meaning,
through the sunrise,
clapping gleaming tears,
whirling into the echoes of sunsets,
coughing out rivers of gold!
springing out my words,
they cannot be retrieved;
vividly existing -
finally, I exist

~~~~~~~~~~~

That just came out as I listened to a song that was posted on another blog that I read tonight. I have stayed far away from the band for a while. I find it ironic that a song that I have deep connections to pop up when I least expect them, or rather I would prefer they not appear in my life. I do have music anxiety as well as movies and even books at time.

I have no idea how long it has been since I listened to the song. I became afraid of it. Lol! I decided that I should listen to it to face my fears. I share it below. I am glad I did. That poem is interconnected to the song; I believe I used several of the words that are in the song as well. So, it is greatly inspired I would say. hee hee

I have been working on my poetry book for days now. It has been published several times, but the formatting keeps getting out of whack and it is bothering me very much. I have continued to edit it and then, publish it, but it is not looking the way I want it to. Oh, well I will have to let it go. Maybe this last round will work.

I did not realize the intense emotions I was feeling from that along with the three post series I wrote on my other blog. Apparently, I dealt with and settled many issues that had caused me great fears in those posts.

I still have my anxieties and fears, but they do not feel so scary or rage my body and mind with fear. I am working on my self-esteem and actually comprehending that I have value.

Nice.

So maybe I am fixed in some way, but I am pretty sure I never needed to be fixed. I just needed to find all of my missing parts – the pieces of myself that I had hidden away. I also, (still need to) deal with trauma I had experienced in my life. (I am still finding my parts. Ha ha that sounds funny.)

The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Self-esteem vs. Self-respect

The Hidden Sources of Attraction

TEDxCMU – Jonathan Fields – Turning Fear Into Fuel

Here is the song. It is such a great song I do not think I will ever tire of it – I hope to not become of afraid of it anymore.

“All external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure, these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” 

~From his Stanford commencement speech. Steve Jobs, 1955-2011

Quietude

I feel silent, but peaceful. I will only share some things.

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You

FREE YOURSELF FROM EMOTIONAL DEBT: MOVE BEYOND PAIN FROM THE PAST

I will never understand the social rules, but I get her humor because I am the one who is floundering about while everyone else knows what is going on.

I know I am being completely random. There have been so many distressing things that I have been exposed to the last two weeks that I wanted to be in control of the randomness for once.

You cannot find peace by avoiding life. ~ Virginia Woolf

Well, This Movie Got Me Thinking

I happened upon this movie today, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men. I wish I had known it was a book first. I like to read the book before seeing the movie – I just do. It does make me frustrated sometimes though because I always feel as though the movie has not given the book justice.

I digress.

This movie felt dark, I found some of it to be confusing, but caught on a little while later. There were so many piercing, grand jabbing moments that I found myself deeply engaged.  My mind is still pondering all of the scenes, emotions, and actions of the characters.

I have always been sympathetic to the male species not being able to “curb” their desires. I do not know if it is because my entire life I have been surrounded by men who continued to be unfaithful. If it wasn’t women, it was some other form of escape – pick one, or several.

I cannot simply bash males though because I have seen just as many women in my life do the same thing. Then, again you never really know. It is truly “cheating” when a relationship is solely bound by a contract through the law, or a unspoken contract that you will be boyfriend and girlfriend, yet, there is no connection? There is no true commitment. Not a commitment where both parties are in full agreement or have gone into compromises of the what the relationship should be. Clearly, directly, and specifically defined. No, most people do not want that – they want “romance.”

Normally, both parties do not discuss this and they are both under the impression that the other one knows all the rules. I am not stating all of this as fact, I am simply writing some ramblings that are popping into my head that being said… forgive me if I am saying anything that may be off.

There was a lot in that movie and it has stirred my emotions and mind on multiple levels that I am unable to articulate at this time.

I think maybe I will stop before I say something because I am in full blown analytical mode and I am also rushed with personal emotions. Most days I can suck it up and handle the fact that I am alone surrounded by people, but there are some days when it feels very lonely.

Relationships – that is all I have to say about that. .

So here are two clips from the movie that moved me deeply. Trigger warning the second one does talk about rape and there is language too. (I just like to prepare people.) Both of these had profound brain musings in my mind.

I am going to get the book.

Interesting, quick talk.

This next TED Talk is excellent. My mom said things like these to me – I do recall at five being told things like this often. My mom would get upset at me if I cried. I grew up not only being a socially awkward girl, but I was not allowed to show emotion. There is a lot there that I am not going to tap into.

What is truly fascinating is that my mom and several other females on both sides of my family would say, “Stop being such a girl!” Wow! As if being a girl is shameful and weak. Humph! Have I got some things to filter. It gets to me because they are very strong women, but they demean themselves.

These are also the same women who attack their outward appearance and constantly feel inadequate as women. It has a lot to do with how they were treated by men. I excluded myself in this because I am slowly removing these types of things from my line of thinking and seeking healing – I still struggle. There is just too much, I will stop.