Just Go With It

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” ~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

She said, He said

unable to love -
she said, tattered shredded heart
still I love, he said

sun burned blood in me -
she said, waiting through gray dusk
my eyes love, he said

cannot stop my love -
she said, moon ablaze, her eyes
soon; you’ll see, he said

invisible hold
she clung, winter’s mist – she breathed
he let go! she cried

waiting on dream-paths
she saw, visions in the sky
I am here, he said

This poem was inspired by the song below. I am infatuated with the song today. My ears start rebelling when I try to stop listening to it. I am not quite sure why I chose that image – it just felt fitting.

So… the song got me wondering what exactly is a white table. Of course, I saw an image of a white table and a person sitting there waiting, contemplating, ruminating, etc… Then, I thought I bet this has some sort of spiritual significance or something. (Because you can find some sort of spiritual meaning into anything.)  Also, I do enjoy traipsing around on the internet looking up my random thoughts, to see if they hold any new information for me.

AND this one path did. (short version ahead)

I looked up white table, led me to Mesa Blanca, sent me to La Mesa Blanca Spiritualism, read this: The Caribbean, thought hmm…Delta Spirit? Obviously, I had to go look up Delta – I mean with my love of Greek numerals (any numerals, really) and all. I am pretty sure that we all understand what spirit is, but I still like to look up things and so I did. You never know when you have a misconception - better to test the mind than, stay oblivious. (Sometimes…) 

So really all I did was entertain myself for about 15 minutes and came to the conclusion that the song makes me think of this:

“Egungun Spiritualism is form of spiritism that has strong Kongo–Bantu roots. Elements from Lucumi/Regla de Ocha are evident. This type of practice, designated by the use of chants and dancing (performed by the mediums) in a line or chain to the beat of songs, hymns and invocations that ultimately lead to a state of trance or possession by theSpirit, is seen in rural areas and in the province of Santiago.” (my emphasis added)

The song is chanty-like, the drums have me and won’t let me go, I am in a trance, the beat is wringing through my body and sending letters flying into lengthy haiku’s telling a story that may or may not have something to do with the moon crashing into the earth. Woot!

Can you tell I am allowing myself a bit of fun lately? Yes, I am allowing myself to write whatever pops into my brain and letting it flow. It feels good.

Why I Read

Shadowlands was on the TV today. I have seen that movie many times now… come to think of it a friend of mine several years ago was surprised to discover that I had never seen it. I had shared with them about my interest in C.S.Lewis. I believe I had read The Problem of Pain and had discussed that with them.

It is ironic because I had gone into an obsessive interest into reading his books at the time, but did not know of the movie. Though that was during a time of my life when I was living in a type of mental seclusion. I ended up watching it a couple of months later. The movie is incredibly moving and can make me tear up all throughout.

I believe my friend and I read Mere Christianity (or was it the Case for Christianity? My memory is failing me. I do believe it was Mere Christianity.) at the same time – I am not sure if they actually read it or not. I am fairly certain we never discussed it again. I had hoped to know their thoughts and perspective about the book, but I was never given the pleasure of discussion. I look back now and think about all that I had read in the book, along with the many other writings of Lewis and how my perspective has changed. I still find his words, and literature great pleasures and thought provoking, I would argue that now, after taking off my fogged up goggles, I understand Christianity more than I did while I professed so loudly to being a Christian.

I do not feel a need to shout my beliefs, whatever they may be anymore. I enjoy truth, and I will call myself a truth seeker, and people accepter. No matter, I believe that C.S.Lewis has great truths and deep philosophical thought triggers in his writings. I do enjoy him. One of my favorite reads is The Screwtape Letters. Yes, one of my favorites. Sorry, my point?

Why I read? Well, I read for many different reasons, but if I want to be honest, I confess that the quote at the end of Shadowlands is why I read. I read to know that I am not alone. It is as simple and as complex as that.

“We read to know we are not alone.” ~ C.S. Lewis

I found this audio version of Mere Christianity and thought I would share. I remember at the same time that I read Mere Christianity I also bought a book about Buddhism. (Later, more books about various other faiths and beliefs.) I remember I sat in my living room for hours each night, dissecting the book with my Bible right next to me. I pulled scriptures from the top of my head and would look others up to defend my faith against this book on Buddhism. I wrote all over the pages defiling the truths that were also in it with my clouded eyes and closed heart. A heart that feared being wrong. Instead of searching for God in the pages, I looked to defend my own doubts. I was afraid of being wrong.

Last year, I happened to get another book about Buddhism. It seemed to pop out at me in a little thrift store, calling my name with its beautiful cover and lovely pictures. This time when I read my heart saw light and opened like a flower. I was not searching to be “right” I was reading seeking truths. I was seeing universal truths with no preconceived notions, or feelings that I was going to be judged for being open-minded. It happened to be a pivotal book into the transformation I am currently undergoing. I have a peace of mind and clarity that I have never known.

Many things have done that for me in the past year, but I must say I feel rich freedom in reading philosophical texts, and religious texts without having the passion (must) of proving my “beliefs” to be the right one. I rather enjoy what I have morphed into and I feel as if I understand the concept of Christianity in a new way. I appreciate it and other beliefs with a new wonder and respect.

I read to know that I am not alone. I read to be changed. I read to be enlightened. I read so I can write and share in hopes that someone else will read and know that they are not alone too.

Dreaming Of A Snake

Last night, early this morning actually, I awoke from a strange dream. (I wrote this yesterday morning, just clarifying.) The dream went like this:

I was cleaning a swimming pool; it was not my pool rather it belonged to a school. For some reason I was supposed to keep this pool clean for all of the children who were swimming in it on a daily basis. I did not interact with many of the kids because my job was to clean the pool after they all had left for the day.

As I was scooping leaves and bugs out of the water, the fabulous clear, blue looking water took me in. The ripples filled the pool and it was such a beautiful sight to see the sun glistening on the water creating shadows through the ripples. Trees were hovering over as if they were looking into a mirror.

I had finished getting the debris out and went to turn on the pump, as I walked to the other end of the pool I noticed spinning and splashing. Then, I saw a huge red and white python, with two tails looking like octopus tentacles flapping about in the water. His head was massive, about the size of my own. I felt scared, but also mesmerized by its beauty and its intriguing tail. I immediately snapped out of it, thinking the snake needed to get out of there because of the children.

I ran to find the head teacher and share with her about the snake. She was not alarmed at all. She asked, “Does he have something on his head that looks like a skin hat of sorts?” The image that flashed in the dream was of a dinosaur known as an Amurosaurus. I said, “No it did not look like that, it looks like a python!” She waved hands and mumbled something about it being her pet and not to worry. She walked off and left me standing there.

I decided to go back and finish cleaning the pool. When I went back to snake was gone. I could not find him anywhere. I felt a little fear lurking about as I went behind the storage place to turn on the pump for the pool. He was not there – he was gone. I was both sad, and feeling a certain type of foreboding. I went back to the pool looking into the deep water, then all around the rectangle shape. I thought, “I wonder if I can walk on this water?”

I put my foot out and started running. I was running on the water! I ran all around the rectangle full speed, splashes of water hitting my shins and calves. I was laughing, hooting, and hollering, with great joy. I kept running, feeling the sun hit my skin, the water caress my bare feet, and laughter rolling out of my belly.

That was it. I woke up feeling very tired and groggy, but full of refreshing thoughts. Although for some reason, my body is in pain today. I feel exhausted, drained, and hurting in places. Still the snake was so spectacular, and the running on water thing felt like such freedom that I could not help, but feel really good.

Maybe I had this dream because I have been swimming a lot lately. Maybe because I heard White Snake on the radio last night and laughed. Maybe because I am feeling freedom in certain thought patterns. Maybe I needed a dream to give me some hope. Maybe, for no reason at all it does not matter – there are certain dreams I do not want to forget and this is one of them. I admit I did go in search of interpretations of my dream. It is what I do. As always, I discovered various mindsets based upon religion, superstitions, symbolism, etc… I still enjoy reading the various interpretations of things.

No one had my exact snake, so I could only go so far with snake, two-tailed, python type of thing. I believe it may have been a Blood Python. I did not know about them until this morning when I tried to look up my snake. I did find this interesting: Dreaming of Snakes – The Meaning of Snakes in a Dream

The Eastern Perspective on Snake Dreams: The Esoteric Body

The snake is a symbol of Kundalini, a Hindu concept of pure energy located within the base of spine. Kundalini is described as a dormant potential force in all people. Yoga is the practice that is supposed to awaken the Kundalini energy. Yoga evokes the progress of Kundalini through the different chakras. Each chakra leads to a different level of awakening and mystical experience.

In dreams, the snake could represent wisdom, spiritual awakening and inner power.

The snake is a very positive symbol within the eastern cultures, practices, and religion. Individuals familiar with these practices may discover their dream relates to these concepts more than others. 

I love snakes – I think they are fabulous to watch, for me a snake dream is a good one. (As long as it’s not attacking me, of course!) Apparently, water dreams are very symbolic too. Look at this!

Walking on Water – Means you at the top of your emotions and you have complete control.  You might also have some hidden qualities.

Splashed by Water - This is a dream symbol where you unconscious is telling you to wake up!  Get back on track with your life and stop stalling.

There you have it. I used to be heavily involved in dream interpretation, but it was through a specific mindset. It caused me to lose all of my dream interpretation information I had consumed in my previous years of dream information consumption. However, going back to researching has made all of this information new and refreshing to me. I am finding it all fascinating.

Smiling! Mumford & Sons put me in a trance…

(An addition) It is now 4:20 pm, I published this in the morning. I checked my email a moment ago to discover this subject line, “Announcing Python at Codecademy.” I found it very amusing after my dream and all. I am not reading into it – I thought others may have an interest in checking out the link as well…

So Much To Life

Make It Right

Snowflakes feel good
Ice no longer a burn
Wind without slicing
Warmth in dense freeze
Gray skies covered in sunlight
Tickling tears melting
Drizzle on cheeks
Numbness thawed
Crystals shattered
Eyes blinked
Toasty soul
Sailing to the heavens
Then back
Delicate footsteps
Crossing white fields
Gusting laughter
Cradled in comforting waves
Soothing mist
Tender snow balm
Make it right
Snowflake fluff make it all right

“After 20 years, you analyze a lot. You remember people, heroism. “The Miracle of the Andes”, that’s what they called it. Many people come up to me and say that had they been there, they surely would have died. But it makes no sense, because until you’re in a… situation like that… you… you have no idea… how you’d behave.

To be affronted by solitude without decadence or a… single material thing to prostitute it elevates you to a sprititual plane, where I felt the presence of God. Now, there’s the God they taught me about about at school. And there is the God that’s hidden by what surrounds us in this civilization. That’s the God I met on the mountain.” ~ Narrator from Alive

I read several things that got me pondering deep thoughts of life today. As I listened to the above song this came from my fingers. (The poem was triggered by another song, but I shared that one the other day so I will not put it on again. )

My existential existence seeks comfort in familiar, but rages against it – something doesn’t fit with all that I have been told. Things do not form perfectly connected places, sealed with tightly gripped clasps – it doesn’t work. They are fragile and wade in the oceans deep seeking – always seeking and never at rest. Sailing with the moonlight glow, crashing with the waves, diving to deep dark places, waiting…for the calm. And it never comes.

The calm never comes, while the tidal waves burst against my walls – sinking me into pits then, rising to the noonday sun. Back-float under the light of the stars quivering for the moment of truth when it all becomes peace. Gliding my path to the right, leading away from the left, setting my feet upon the narrow of nothingness, filling me with all. Balance between my toes, and I find the whip-lashing questions are what makes it calm.

Figured Out My Loop

I thought my brain was impelling into a universe-information seeking type of drift, but I was thrown by my intense impulsion toward music. It was more dramatic than my usual passionate consumption, which says a lot. Come to find out they are blending into a “Cosmic Musical Seeking” loop. They are twining together with some sort of needle and thread image in my mind. Collaborating to sew up connections that seem to be wafting around in my thoughts. What shall come of it? I do not know, however, it is quite entertaining. The Universe playing with me it seems.

Yesterday, I was seized with a poem titled Portal. Filled with images and ideas riding on some sort of brain wave thinking and pondering things about atoms, string theory, information theory and hearing a song that connected my soul to some place of comfort that I have only found in yellow. Glowing yellow, brightness filling spheres, and vibrating vortexes calling out — reaching for my hand in the distance, but completely at home in my heart. Yes, I may sound silly — this is part poetic words flowing out of me along with my reason. I will call “poetical rationale”.

After I wrote that poem, later in the day I turned on the TV and the Science Channel had Through The Wormhole 2: Does Time Exist on. Now I know that the probability is pretty high that I have the TV on that channel. I did find it amusing though that the entire show was explaining some things I had seen visually earlier in the day. I chuckled, enjoyed the show, and moved on. There was another show on about black holes as well, but I cannot locate the title. It is bothering me. :-/ I am going to have to find it. Adding to the amusement was this morning when I noticed that a blog I follow had a picture of a portal on her post for the day. Reading farther down on my fb feed, I saw this video Brian Greene: Why is our universe fine-tuned for life? and laughed. I had been pondering multiverses throughout the evening. Maybe all the science people are working together to get multiple media sources out at the same time for specific topics…

When I watched this, it tapped right into my own visuals from childhood to yesterday. (Today as well, obviously.) It freaks me out a little. This is no longer my poetic writing — I am fully in reality and saying “Holy Crap!” This stuff is wild. Hee hee I cannot stay all mystical-existential-philosophical-poetical like all the time. The mysteries and grandness of the universe is music to me. I cannot play it on instruments, or sing it through song. At times, I can dance it and my body creates the visual sounds flowing through my mind, but not all that often. Not fully. Watching this video got me all excited and it is so fascinating to think upon and let the imagination and reality swoon together to make glorious music! This talk really did shake me a bit, because I was feeling this stuff yesterday and wrote it through my poem the best I could from mind through hand to word.

Incredible. Existence is so fantastic-astonishing-breathtaking-formidable-bee’s knees-copacetic-splendiferous! I used to stop myself from wandering into these loops because of people. When I started to delve into my many questions I was told not to think about such things — I would wonder off into dark places. What I have discovered is that my many questions and quest to find answers has actually led me into more light. I was afraid not too long ago to seek out my visual thoughts. The thing about me is that when I realize that I am afraid of something I go in head first to face it and embrace it. It always brings me into gulfs of a lovely cleansing of my faulty thinking and lies that I accepted about my limitations. It is hard sometimes to accept that many limitations placed upon ourselves can be created by our own fears.

I love this song — it always makes me feel like I am floating into another world. The one where I belong.

Another funny thing about the post I referred to earlier was that she was talking about friendships. It made me think of how the cosmos help me to feel connected to people I care about. When I look at the moon or the stars it brings me comfort knowing that those who are far away are looking at the same lovelies in the sky. She also had the theme song from Toy Story which makes me smile and giggle.

The Mystical

I had some pretty intense dreams last night. I woke up twice, I finally got up and it was 6:33am. That happens to me a lot when my world feels in sync, maybe I am in-tune with 10 minute increments of time. I seem to look at the clock when the minutes end in double digits usually 10 minutes apart. It’s both funny and annoying sometimes.

It does not happen every 10 minutes though only on certain days, those are the days that it can annoy me. It happens at different times as well, it happens often enough for me to take notice anyway. Some would say that it is mystical — the universe is telling me something. Possibly, I do not deny that. Frankly, I do not know, but I do think happy thoughts when I see them because I do like double digits 22 (poem) is my favorite.

I have a clear distinction between the mystical and the spiritual. They are defined in my head as two separate experiences. I could be wrong, but it is how my mind works. A mystical experience to me is something that I cannot even lay claim to God. It bypasses all contextual religious frames that I have in my mind. I had this experience years ago that continues on to today. There is no explanation for it, why it exists and will not go away. I have called out to God for an answer for years still nothing.

My dreams last night (morning) made me relive one particular night with great intensity of this mystical experience. One I cannot explain, I cannot attribute to God as I know God, He has not answered my prayers with clarity about this that lives on so — it is mystical to me, not spiritual.

Although this experience that I refer to is the one thing that has caused the most spiritual experiences I have ever had. Spiritual because it touches me in places that only a Higher Power would be able to explain. It confronts fears that my limited human mind would not dare to cross. It pours out joy that has no other explanation other than the belief that God would be the only one able to create it. Yes, it is both mystical without explanation and spiritual under the guise of my perception of God. It is called “this”.

And I am keeping “it”.

Song for this morning…

DeVotchKa “Till the End Of Time”

My sky today.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.