Too Busy!

I have a lot of stuff going on. I really want to write, but I cannot. Bummer. (I may later.) Instead, I will leave this poem and some Nirvana to remember Kurt Cobain since, I did not get to share the other day. Nirvana helped me through some serious depressive episodes throughout my life. I cannot explain it, but somehow I felt comfort in the pain.

A Birthday Present

By Sylvia Plath 

What is this, behind this veil, is it ugly, is it beautiful?
It is shimmering, has it breasts, has it edges?

I am sure it is unique, I am sure it is what I want.
When I am quiet at my cooking I feel it looking, I feel it thinking

‘Is this the one I am too appear for,
Is this the elect one, the one with black eye-pits and a scar?

Measuring the flour, cutting off the surplus,
Adhering to rules, to rules, to rules.

Is this the one for the annunciation?
My god, what a laugh!’

But it shimmers, it does not stop, and I think it wants me.
I would not mind if it were bones, or a pearl button.

I do not want much of a present, anyway, this year.
After all I am alive only by accident.

I would have killed myself gladly that time any possible way.
Now there are these veils, shimmering like curtains,

The diaphanous satins of a January window
White as babies’ bedding and glittering with dead breath. O ivory!

It must be a tusk there, a ghost column.
Can you not see I do not mind what it is.

Can you not give it to me?
Do not be ashamed–I do not mind if it is small.

Do not be mean, I am ready for enormity.
Let us sit down to it, one on either side, admiring the gleam,

The glaze, the mirrory variety of it.
Let us eat our last supper at it, like a hospital plate.

I know why you will not give it to me,
You are terrified

The world will go up in a shriek, and your head with it,
Bossed, brazen, an antique shield,

A marvel to your great-grandchildren.
Do not be afraid, it is not so.

I will only take it and go aside quietly.
You will not even hear me opening it, no paper crackle,

No falling ribbons, no scream at the end.
I do not think you credit me with this discretion.

If you only knew how the veils were killing my days.
To you they are only transparencies, clear air.

But my god, the clouds are like cotton.
Armies of them. They are carbon monoxide.

Sweetly, sweetly I breathe in,
Filling my veins with invisibles, with the million

Probable motes that tick the years off my life.
You are silver-suited for the occasion. O adding machine—–

Is it impossible for you to let something go and have it go whole?
Must you stamp each piece purple,

Must you kill what you can?
There is one thing I want today, and only you can give it to me.

It stands at my window, big as the sky.
It breathes from my sheets, the cold dead center

Where split lives congeal and stiffen to history.
Let it not come by the mail, finger by finger.

Let it not come by word of mouth, I should be sixty
By the time the whole of it was delivered, and to numb to use it.

Only let down the veil, the veil, the veil.
If it were death

I would admire the deep gravity of it, its timeless eyes.
I would know you were serious.

There would be a nobility then, there would be a birthday.
And the knife not carve, but enter

Pure and clean as the cry of a baby,
And the universe slide from my side.

I love this song covered by Nirvana, originally written by Lead Belly (Huddie Ledbetter)  his version here Where Did You Sleep Last Night.

Finally!

I have been trying to get the formatting correct on my poetry book ALL day. It has driven me to complete battiness. Well, that and my allergies. My head and nose are a mess, it is kind of fun – I am loopy. I say, finally, because I decided to let it go and hit publish on the book. It is in the process now. I can still edit it and that is comforting.

I have noticed that I am getting a little discouraged because I have not had the time to go into research mode on some topics that I would like to venture, but this week is another week filled with social extravaganza so I must save it for later.

Of course, I will share some of my meanderings! I said, I have not gone into “research mode” that is my supersonic-unstoppable-razor-sharp-focus-mode. Research, yes, research mode no. Ha ha ha

I hope I do not sound too loopy, I cannot tell what I am writing. I am just letting it flow. Sometimes I have to do that to get the jumble stuff out of my head.

I have not only had ton of real life social situations this week, but the social stress I feel in the month of April started to take its toll on my mind. I think I combated my anxieties with Autism Awareness Day, but I still feel the lingering bits of something I cannot quite articulate.

This year, I admit I am too tired. I have been through a lot of mind shifts and soul searching. I haven’t the mental energy to spend on much else, but keeping my mind clear and focused. I am doing things in my community, YES, in real life to bring awareness and hopefully acceptance. Some of the events I am going to will have parents that possibly have not met an adult Autistic. Maybe I will have a chance to share, who knows. I am focusing on making connections and go from there.

My social anxieties about going to new places and meeting new people have gotten much less. However, just because I do not “feel” like I used to does not mean that my body and mind are not feeling the effects. I still have anxieties, but have better ways to cope with them … positives ways to cope with them.

Since I have had a burst of self-esteem, it has not been as difficult. It also helps that I have had positives social encounters repeatedly. That makes a huge difference in my anxiety levels. I even had a strange and unnecessary occurrence with a family member on facebook today. I may write a post about it when my head is not so fuzzy. In the past, this incident would have sent me into a panic.

I would have looped, fretted, feared, and panicked some more, but not today. I actually, laughed it off. I do feel some of the prickly bits around my heart that feels like my anxiety, but I have done so much this week and more to do this week that it could be all of that wrapped up together.

Ok, my allergies are getting really bad. I had better go take something and get some good rest. I know this may not be that interesting of brain babble from me. Oh, well there has to be moments where we just let the rambling go and move on.

Sharing a little bit.

Self-Discovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

The Science of Love: How Positivity Resonance Shapes the Way We Connect

The Path To Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Fear

I have been disturbed by my sudden spurts of feeling fatigued and tired. I do know that there are physical factors to this. Such as my diet, I am anemic and I have not had the proper foods that I need in the last week or so because of funds. I have tried to fill my body with iron rich foods, but I have limited foods to choose from, I hope I will be able to get what I need this weekend.

The weather plays into this as well. The fluctuating warm then, cold and warm then, freezing type of weather drains my body and my mind. I cannot get my body to find a balanced temperature and I already have issues with being cold all the time. This can drain my body as well.

Then, there is my environment. I have a lot of energy pulled from me on an hourly basis that has not been replenished. I also, have to keep an active mind and refute mentally any negativity that comes my way. All of this plays into my exhaustion. I understand this, but it still surprises me. I do not know why I cannot remember that all of this affects the body, spirit, and mind.

When this happens, I feel my anxieties start to rise. I have been able to find ways to help with this, but here is what I have now observed, it has spun into fear. I do have valid reasons to feel the emotion of fear, but I should not allow it to spiral into anxiety and then, panic.

I am trying to get a grip on it.

The healing process that I am going through manifests a cycle of emotions on a daily basis; this also contributes to my feeling tired and drained. I understand that this is “normal” in the process and someone shared with me that I am dealing with the shock of reality with many things. Read this: Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Causes and Effects, Symptoms and Treatment

And this Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Causes, Symptoms, Effects, and Treatment (linked to full article):

Regardless of its source, an emotional trauma contains three common elements:

it was unexpected
the person was unprepared
there was nothing the person could do to prevent it from happening

It is not the event that determines whether something is traumatic to someone, but the
individual’s experience of the event. And it is not predictable how a given person will react to a particular event. For someone who is used to being in control of emotions and events, it may be surprising – even embarrassing – to discover that something like an accident or job loss can be so debilitating.

I have talked about trauma on my other blog before; however, once again I am seeing with “new eyes” this time around. My mind has made other shifts that have allowed me to view things with a new perspective, a healthier perspective. Who knows what I will learn the next time around!

My body and mind are responding with many of the affects of emotional shock and then transitioning back to feeling doubtful, then reality setting in. It’s a lot to process.The good thing is that I understand this. I am able to move forward, ride it out, and use healthy coping mechanisms to help myself. It is still hard to remember some days and I still have to work through looming fearful thoughts. When I feel this fear, I always ask myself what am I afraid of? Sometimes I know other times I do not. I have also noticed that the fear can come upon me when someone triggers my self-doubt.

When I start to accomplish many things on my own there is a pattern of words being spoken to me. Such as things like “You cannot understand such and such because you do not know what “healthy” such and such looks like or means” Insert boundaries, relationships, love, communication, acceptance, etc … I know that these words are not true, but they are hard to battle some days. They fill my mind with fear and doubt.

I do know that is not healthy. So what am I doing about this? Well reading of course! As well, as allowing my body to feel the physical and emotional responses with all of this. I am not running or trying to find ways to escape, though my researching could be some form of escape … it still helps me and I do not allow myself to spend tons of time on it anymore.

I read these and thought they had some good information.

How to Handle Fear

10 ways to reduce fear 

How to face a fear and handle a phobia

Are You Addicted to Fear?

Overcoming Fear: The Only Way Out is Through

I am not a fan of saying, “overcoming” because it implies that it will never happen again. Fear will happen again. As well as anxiety. These are normal responses to uncertainty and they are things that tell your body and mind that something is wrong. Anger is not wrong either what makes these things turn into something wrong is how we respond to them. Any of them that become off balance can produce negative outcomes.

I spent many years feeling that I was wrong for feeling these things that I should be “healed” from them. The reality is I have been in constant states of uncertainty, trauma, and stress and until that was discovered, acknowledged, and accepted I was unable to move forward. When I was freed from the deception that I was wrong for feeling those things, and that I have valid reasons for experiencing them then, I found that I started to move into more positive and productive ways of thinking. This is still a life-long process.

Life is unpredictable!

I am overcoming denial, but learning how to process fear along with all my other emotions.

I am on a Fiona Apple music kick today. I am also feeling my inner Boudicca (& A Bit of Philosphy). Ha ha ha

Feelin’ Good & A Tad Bit Afraid

I keep finding myself teetering between feeling very good with the directions I am taking in life, but then I am struck with sudden fear. I do know that some of this is anxieties about what I need to do. I also, know that the fear comes because I am making major changes and setting boundaries that I have never had before. It is a struggle to retrain the mind.

There are other factors that play into the sudden feelings of fear as well, but I will not go into them. Instead, I am going to focus on what I am doing with these emotions. (I am processing my fear, but trying not to analyze it and loop about it. I basically know why it is happening.)

I have almost completed my fourth poetry book. I hope to get it out by this Friday or at least this weekend in celebration of my 40th birthday that is on Friday. YAY! That is my goal anyway. I think I can do it.

I really need to work on my author page, but I have been at a loss on what to write. I suppose I really should think about it. To be quite honest, I have not had the self-confidence to be able to think of an author page. Well, I have but not with my words. I do not know how to explain it. I have not considered publishing books or sharing my writings as using self-confidence, but it actually does take some sort of confidence to step out and share with people.

Any time we offer our opinions, talents, ideas, etc … we are taking a chance and it is far more terrifying to step out and share than, to sit back and do nothing. Along with learning boundaries comes a new understanding of self-esteem. I struggle in this area very much – I have many reasons to struggle! However, I do not feel lowly about myself it is more because I have been so unaware of myself that I have gauged much of my self-esteem on how I perceived others to think of me or how others treated me.

I have to tear down that way of thinking and build myself back up with the proper building blocks. One thing I plan to do is celebrate that fact that I am going to be publishing book number four! Hooray for me! I just did that and the thoughts already started.

Who do you think you are?

You are being prideful!

It is only poetry.

You are “self-publishing” that is not the same.

Those types of things flood my mind. They would have never been a thought unless they had already been tiny seeds planted in my head. So, I tell them to SHUT UP! Because bi-golly I have accomplished a lot. Even if I do not get this book out in the time line I would like, I have still completed many of my other goals. I should feel good about that AND it is ok to feel good about that.

I have recently signed up for The Self-Acceptance Project. I have not had a chance to watch all of the videos, but I am actually listening to the first one right now Kristin Neff, PhD — Compassion for the Self-Critic. Hmm… So far, it is good listening.

Watching TED today too; they do not necessarily go with my theme today, but in some ways they do. (to me anyway)

Alain de Botton: A kinder, gentler philosophy of success

Aimee Mullins: The opportunity of adversity (I have watched this before, but it has been a while and thought it would be good to watch again.)

Evelyn Glennie: How to truly listen

The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere

I have no idea why I remembered that poem tonight. I had a wonderful day. I cannot tell you when the last time I felt like I had a wonderful day. I have felt confident today. I noticed today that my mind is seriously changing. A situation happened that started to fill me with anxiety. I felt unknown fear. I felt afraid and I stopped and asked myself what I was afraid of.

I discovered that I was afraid of someone else’s possible reaction. Then, I thought to myself what can they do to me? If they do anything negative they have much more to lose than I do. I will not be at fault for their response. So I sat there thinking – I have nothing to fear because I am not responsible for their actions or attitudes. I did nothing wrong so why on earth would I feel so frightened?

The fear left and my confidence filled me.

I wanted to finish another post on my other blog tonight, but I haven’t the time. And I am not feeling anxious about that, as I normally do.

I had a great time at my spin class. I have been challenging many of my social anxieties and forcing myself to do them and continue to do them. Such as talking to people I do not know and making phone calls without working myself up before I do it. I have found that it is not so scary. I still need down time, but it is not so scary.

I am remembering things, I am remembering me.

That is why I found it very interesting that the poem The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow popped in my head. It was a poem that I had to memorize in fourth grade. We did not have to memorize the whole thing, but I did anyway. I loved it! I remember being so nervous because we were going to have to say it a loud from memory. I always messed up when reading a loud. My words would stumble and jumble. My tongue would become a giant mass of incapable muscle.

But I was more horrible at memorizing anything and speaking in front of the class.

When I first read the poem I found the story so exciting. I loved how the words flowed. They flew easily from my mouth. I practiced at home every night. When I said my part of the poem it came out perfectly. I felt proud. My enthusiasm was a bit too much for the other kids, but my teacher actually smiled. I remember that. Fourth grade was one of the best school years I ever had, until around the end.

The group of girls who I had connected with and were my first real interactions with friendship ended up not being my friends any longer. I cannot recall everything that happened now, I do know, but I cannot recall it in this moment. However, what I do remember is that awesome day that I got to recite a poem in class that I absolutely enjoyed.

I find it interesting too that I could memorize it because I have such difficulty with memorization. That is how much that poem meant to me. I still remember much of it – not all.  What a delightful memory!

Cool down song from manic spinning class. I dig it.

I Found My Breath

“I found my breath” is the phrase that filled my mind today. I am not exactly sure what it means, but what I do know is that today I am one-step closer to feeling more comfortable in myself. I mean, I am starting to recognize a lot more of myself. There was such a huge foggy cloud covering my image and memory that I forgot many things that I enjoy.

I forgot many things that I value and do not value. I forgot how strong I am. I forgot how independent I am. I forgot that I know what it is like to be valued. I forgot that I do know how to love. I forgot many, many things.

Last night while, I was in my cycle class I was reminded how much I enjoy working out. I forgot how athletic I am. I had to stop working out because it interfered with someone’s plans and I was made to feel that it was not important because they do not enjoy any sort of physical activity.

The cycle (spin) class I do is extremely intense. My aunt leads it and she is a beast! She pushes us so much in that hour that it feels like we have just done about three days worth of Insanity Workout. Lol! Actually, I do not know that for sure. I have never done that workout I have only seen glimpses of the infomercial. BUT the spin class is intense. Ok, what I noticed last night is that my self-talk has changed during the workout.

I found myself the last three times being able to stand and climb huge hills that I could not do before. I knew that I was doing much better, but I also had not realized how much I was doing before. I had been spinning at the max speed for weeks, but I did not feel comfortable running, or doing standing climbs. I did not think I could do it. Until three weeks ago, when I said to myself “You are a dancer; there is no reason why you cannot do this.”

A’ha! I remembered that I am a dancer. I have a dancer’s body. My legs are strong, my body is strong. I have danced since I was little, I became serious at the age of five, though I could not pursue the dancing career I wanted to, I never stopped dancing. Last night, I heard myself say, “You can do this you are a dancer!” I realized that the last three weeks instead of feeling weak and unable I remembered that I am capable.

I love to dance and that has been stolen from me. I love to write and that joy has (had) been stolen from me too. There was a comment said to me in a derogatory way about my writing and it caused me to shutdown. I do to love write and I believe it has been my subconscious fighting inside of me to bring myself back.

However, I had lost all joy in my writing a while ago. It was no longer something that brought me joy; it had become something that I had to do in order to survive. It was my way of exposing things that had been hidden. I still use my writing for that. I am sure I will for my entire life. When I write I connect to my emotions and thoughts. It makes me more self-aware.

The truth is it was not stolen from me, I only found it easier to hide away what I am good at because it made my life less complicated. I spoke with several of my family members who helped remind me of other parts that I have kept tucked away. It made a difference being reminded of how strong and capable I am. It made a difference being reminded how powerful my voice is and to use it. I forgot, but today I feel as though I found my breath.

I feel as though I am breathing new air.

I read a blog post the other day, I wish I could remember it, but they said something like, you cannot see clearly, until you have hit complete bottom. It’s when you have reached that point of complete exasperation that you have to choose to either stay at the bottom or make the change. (But do not be naive of how difficult it will be, you must be willing to go through all that it takes to get back up.)

I thought I have hit the bottom several times in the last many years, but for some reason I had not hit that point of demanding myself to change. I am there now because I am a fighter. Despite what has been spoken over me for years. I do not like to fight, it goes against who I am, but I am a fighter for my existence. I do have a fire inside of me to fight for people’s lives. I see the value in others. Now I am fighting to gain my life back.

I realized for the first time that even though I have been bullied, abused, ignored, invalided, then some and what not, I have still accomplished a lot. I have done many things to be proud of – I am excited to what I accomplish having a little bit of self-esteem!

I am breathing!

Here is one of the new songs for our playlist with spin class The Black Eyed Peas - Pump It. I do not usually listen to The Black Eyed Peas, but this song works great for pushing  you during a standing run on a stationary bike. (Her version is like 4 minutes long!) It reminds me of my club days when I danced for hours and hours nonstop. Oh, yeah…

This song popped into my head out of nowhere today Nazareth - Hair of the Dog. I have not heard it in ages, but it is one that I used to sing when my first boyfriend would tick me off. Ha ha ha Maybe that’s why it popped in my head, I am getting my humph back! I have no idea what the song is about, alcohol or something?? I’ll look it up later. (giggle, giggle snort)

Um, Yeah … Ever Been Bullied?

Wow! I had to share this video. There are very many things that I relate to in this video. I was bullied. However, I am feeling very motivated and positive today so I am soaking in all the positive that is in this video.

Bullies Called Him Pork Chop. He Took That Pain With Him And Then Cooked It Into This.

Next Awakening!

This is much longer than what I normally post on here, but I need to process. 

Goodness me, I have been through a tumultuous time. Finally, I have a clear mind once again. However, I have come to a serious revelation that if I do not continue to make changes in my situation the cycle will quickly happen again.

Now I do take responsibility for my own emotions and actions, however, this last round of depression stirred something in me. It made me stop for a moment – I halted, took a look around, and recognized the cycle.

It is not one that I create on my own. It is not depression in the sense that I cannot come out of it. There are moments when the depression and the feelings of hopelessness flee. In those moments I have clarity of mind. Without going into too much detail, this round happened when I should have been happy and excited that I published another poetry book.

I should have felt at least some sort of pleasure AND I did for a moment, but it was quickly drowned out by a person in my life who has now written a book, but they are unable to edit quickly or get the person that they convinced to help them edit, to get it it done quick enough. They have subtly downplayed my accomplishment.

This is not new, it is a repeating cycle. Anytime I accomplish something they do this to me, though they vehemently deny it.They insist that they are the sole person who understands me, how I think, and who truly appreciates what I do. They also claim that I do not appreciate all they do for me.They help feed my insecurities and fear of abandonment from my family. It is my trigger and can easily send me into a spiral especially, when I am mentally and physically exhausted.

This has been going on for years. I finally got the nerve to share with some of my family what has been happening because I know that I cannot live like this anymore. I need help. I need other people to give me perspective. I need to stop feeling constantly confused and alone. I am not sure I will write about this on my other blog, there are certain family members who do read it that I do not want to know about this.

I need to process and feel safe. I have been doing a lot of research on narcissism, for some reason this time around my eyes seemed to see clearly. I do know that I have asked a lot of people to pray for me the last week, I do know that people have been praying for me to have clarity. Possibly, the prayers are helping. Something has changed.

My mind was able to comprehend cycles and comprehend how I am being emotionally depleted. I have continued to doubt myself and feel as I am making things up. I have felt guilty for the information that I have shared and I should not. I have done nothing wrong by telling people about my situation, but somehow I feel fearful and wrong for doing so.

I would believe that I was making everything up if I were the only one who felt this way and I did not have specific details and actions to prove otherwise. My family is worried about me. Even those who are not the most supportive. This is the first time that I have actually been concerned for myself.

I dismissed everything before, but now I cannot. The reason being that I know that I cannot keep this cycle up anymore. I have adopted someone else’s issues. They are not mine. I am not this person. I have been working through things for several years now and every time I begin to gain my identity and some form of independence something happens.

I can never pin point it, but somehow it is my fault. I am the problem, but I have no idea what I have done. My entire foundation crumbles again and I begin to doubt who I am, my own inner strength, my ability to be independent. My anxiety comes back like a vicious beast and next comes the depression.

I am supposedly surrounded by the most supportive environment I could possibly have. There is no way to explain it. Everything gets twisted and turns into hours of conversations where I sit in a mind mess because I do not know how the topic got spun. I end up saying things without knowing what I am saying. I am bombarded with information and red herrings so much that I cannot think straight and then, I have to try to sort it out for days.

I just got off the phone with my mom which helped me and gave me another perspective. One of the great things about my mom is that if she felt I was off or that I was perceiving things incorrectly she would tell me. She does not hold back the truth whether it may hurt me or not. She is very matter-of-fact and that is a good thing for situations like this.

We can all be emotionally driven and have a clouded point of view because of how we are feeling it is good to have someone who can see with different eyes and to help bring balance. I am the first to admit my challenges and things that I need to work on, however, I cannot possibly be the only person who has issues.That is all I will write about now.

I did find a ton of things to read through and gained a new appreciation and understanding for narcissism. Though I have been a victim of narcissists in the past, my social challenges make it hard for me to realize when I become the prey of one.

I will give resources and share some things that were red flags for me, but I am naive and tend to bend toward only seeing the good of people so I missed became full of doubt and believed that I was wrong. It is not a bad thing to see the good in others, but it is can and has led to my downfall many times throughout my life.

Maybe some of what I share can help others. I am on a new journey and in need of educating myself a great deal.

The Reddest Red Flag of Narcissism

Eight red flags of narcissism as listed originally by (deceased) Kathy Krajco:

• puts on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness
• damages the images of most others
• has a history of past upheavals
• is hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them
• exhibits unnatural and perplexing behavior — backwards reactions to things
• is a control freak, trampling privacy/boundaries
• is extremely self-absorbed
• has a hostile reaction to attention and credit given others

Narcissistic Traits

• Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
• Requires excessive admiration
• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
• Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Types of Narcissists

Two Types of Narcissists Pose Somewhat Different Challenges

Excerpt:

The Vulnerable NP

Vulnerable narcissists (VN’s) tend to be more sensitive, often see themselves as victims of those who don’t understand how superior they are. Just like those with BPD, vulnerable narcissists tend to be preoccupied with fears of rejection and abandonment. They and may feel helpless, anxious and depressed when people don’t treat them as they desire.

Invulnerable NPs

Invulnerable narcissists tend to be less sensitive and more confident. They know they are superior and will seek revenge or go into a viciousrage against those who don’t treat them as superior or dare to give them negative feedback. They appear to have no sense of shame about themselves and truly have very high self-esteem. Their parents or caregivers may have treated them as superior from early childhood, so that they are not compensating for anything. They’re simply acting out their expectations.

Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse

Excerpt:

The emotional and mental abuse that a narcissist inflicts on their victim is based on the power of subtle suggestion. The power of suggestion is one of the most powerful psychological tools known to man and should never ever be underestimated. The narcissist presents to their victim, usually their relationship partner, a false self made up of a collection of simple and subtle pathological lies. Lies which make them seem angelic and builds them a reputation of being ‘as good as gold’ and ‘would never do anything to hurt anyone’.

voicelessness.com (This is an excellent article.)

Excerpt:

Not surprisingly,  narcissists cannot hear others: spouse, lover, or friends, and especially not children.  They are interested in listening only to the extent that it allows them the opportunity to give adviceor share a similar  incident (either better or worse, depending upon which has more impact). Many engage in “sham” listening, appearing to be very attentive because they want to look good.  Usually they are unaware of their deafness–in fact they believe they hear better than anyone else (this belief, of course, is another attempt at self-inflation).   Because of their underlying need for voice and the resultant bluster, narcissists often work their way to the center of their “circle,” or the top of their organization.  Indeed, they may be the mentor or guru for others. The second they are snubbed, however, they rage at their “enemy”. 

What makes it difficult to help this type of narcissist is their self-deception. The processes used to protect themselves are ingrained from childhood. As a result, they are absolutely unaware of their constant efforts to maintain a viable “self.”

Coping with a Narcissistic Partner or Spouse

Be on guard against heartbreak if the person romantically pursuing you:

• Assumes there will be instant exclusivity in the relationship.
• Declares their “love” after knowing you only a brief time.
• Continually dwells on similarities between the two of you.
• Monopolizes your time so that you see less of friends and family.
• Disparages others in your life or previous lovers.
• Wants to be almost constantly in contact by phone, e-mail, instant messaging, and so on.
• Maintains that they alone understand the “real you.”

You are Wiser than Narcissistic Spouse–Sever the Cord

Excerpt: 

Always remember, you are wiser than your narcissistic spouse. You will see many red flags and ignore a lot of them. You will hear the clear voice of intuition, telling you the truth about your narcissistic spouse. Pay attention to what you hear. It is telling you the truth. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled back in with his/her seductive offerings. They are designed to make you more dependent on him and to keep you from achieving your full personal and professional potential.

Once you know who this man/woman really is, create a step by step plan to extricate yourself from the relationship. Cut the cord. If you wait too long, you will become more entangled in his lies, insidious psychological traps and mind bending.

The Highly Sensitive Person and the Narcissist

Excerpt: 

You can develop your sense of self-awareness and intuition by spending a few moments alone each day, especially when you feel overwhelmed or upset. If you don’t know what you’re feeling or why, sit down somewhere quiet, close your eyes, and ask yourself, What am I feeling? Don’t think, just listen. Trust your instincts. The answer will come to you, perhaps as an image or maybe a word or a feeling. And then base your actions on that trusted information, and not what someone else is telling you. They may not have your best interests at heart.

Highly sensitive people can become targets for narcissists, but that does not mean you are powerless. Knowing who you are and what you need will make it easier to draw the line between a first date with a charmer and a relationship from hell. And if you find yourself in such a relationship, the best solution is to leave. It’s not your job to fix someone else. All you have to do is look after yourself.

The Effects of Gaslighting in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

Excerpt:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. The techniques used in “Gaslighting” by the narcissist are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement and other forces for decades.

Seven Strategies To Protect Yourself

If these characteristics sound familiar, know that when you are dealing with a narcissist, ignorance is not bliss. Know that it is highly unlikely that the narcissist nearest you will ever find the need to change. If anything is to shift, it will come from you. Your first step is to realize that you deserve to treat yourself in a worthy manner. Apply the following:

1. Decide upon your boundaries.
2. Identify what behaviors cross the line, and communicate this as needed.
3. Build into your schedule plenty of down time for you when you’ve been in their vicinity.
4. Identify a strong circle of support for yourself, not as a place to whine, but as a place to renew your energy and perspective.
5. Build reserve. Know that when the time comes to set stronger boundaries, there will be push-back.
6. Don’t crumble. Stay steady. Stand your ground without drama. Stay neutral.
7. Do not be duped. Move toward what love really means.

Narcissistic Behavior: The Roadshow for Therapists (This whole site is great.)

NarcissismInfoSite–Home

Narcissists Who Cry: The Other Side of the Ego

How to Live With a Narcissist

I Think I Lost My Angst

Ha ha ha I found that amusing.

I have been ruffling around my blog reader, soaking up all of the different takes on Valentine’s Day. I appreciate everyone’s point of view about this day. I was rather surprised at my lack of anxiety that I normally feel. It seems to have left me. Possibly the post I wrote last year helped me overcome the past fears that I had.

I did not think of it much except when I saw posts about it. I felt happy with those who were sharing their love and joy. I felt hurt and sadness with those who wrote about their pain or hurtful experiences. I felt the annoyance that others shared about this day. I feel at peace with all of it and I am at peace with my angst that used to flood my soul each year when this day was about to come around.

I will share the post that I wrote last year to give insight Valentine’s Day Gives Me The Red’s. It has been a happy day. I am feeling better, moving forward, realizing I have been in denial about some things, and I am not sure how to handle it.

The only way I can think to describe it is that I am stuck in a glass box covered in clear contact paper, I am told constantly that I everything is clear and that I should be able to see the light outside with no problems. However, I stare out and everything seems to be foggy. I can tell there is a film all over and the light is muddled, unable to reach me – I am told I am the only who cannot see and the film is only my imagination. “There is no film! You are safe and protected. You are comforted by the warmth of the light.”

The warmth never reaches me and the light stops just outside. I see the tiny corner of the clear contact paper peeling down. I want so badly to reach for it, but I cannot tell if it is my imagination or if the film is truly covering all of the glass. I am so confused and afraid. What if I am wrong and that is it? The film is not there and it is all me – I am the one who cannot see clearly. My eyes are distorted.

Even scarier, what if I am not wrong? Then, what? How can I pull the film off with the constant grip on my heels, gnawing and clinging to me? The relentless pulling forming confusion after confusion hoping that I will once again give up and forget what I really know.

I do not know how to make it stop and I am not sure how to help myself. I do know that it cannot run another cycle. I cannot go through another cycle and I must change. I must find my strength to see if the film is real or not.

I am not sure if I was able to capture what I am actually feeling. Maybe I did not explain it well, but writing that out helped me process and that is a good thing.

Listening to …

I do not know why, but I could listen to this next song forever. It makes me feel happy – it must tap into some sort of endorphin for me. Most of Mumford & Sons (Amazing Grace link) music does that for me too, but I get too emotional at times listening to them. They can peel my heart wide open into the brisk sharp air! Anyway here is the song.

Toxic Relationships: A Health Hazard

Happy Thursday!

I Am of Few Words

Tonight I have few words. I am still processing and trying to settle my thoughts. Feeling a little fragile … it should pass soon, soon I hope. I have been soaking up poems from others and enjoying it very much not only on blogs, but visiting the poets from the past. They can rebirth me at times and help bring balance to my teetering thoughts.

I will share only one. I am not exactly sure how I feel about it, or if I even have an interpretation, but I liked the way it made me feel and the visuals it placed into my mind.

Human Cylinders

BY MINA LOY

The human cylinders
Revolving in the enervating dusk
That wraps each closer in the mystery
Of singularity
Among the litter of a sunless afternoon
Having eaten without tasting
Talked without communion
And at least two of us
Loved a very little
Without seeking
To know if our two miseries
In the lucid rush-together of automatons
Could form one opulent wellbeing

Simplifications of men
In the enervating dusk
Your indistinctness
Serves me the core of the kernel of you
When in the frenzied reaching out of intellect to intellect
Leaning brow to brow       communicative
Over the abyss of the potential
Concordance of respiration
Shames
Absence of corresponding between the verbal sensory
And reciprocity
Of conception
And expression
Where each extrudes beyond the tangible
One thin pale trail of speculation
From among us we have sent out
Into the enervating dusk
One little whining beast
Whose longing
Is to slink back to antediluvian burrow
And one elastic tentacle of intuition
To quiver among the stars

The impartiality of the absolute
Routs      the polemic
Or which of us
Would not
Receiving the holy-ghost
Catch it      and caging
Lose it
Or in the problematic
Destroy the Universe
With a solution

Ted musings for tonight.

 Neel Burton – The Anatomy of Melancholy: Can depression be good for you? 

Seeking some brain stirrings with music!

(language warning.) Pearl Jam – Save You

Blackbird ~ Eddie Vedder

Good night!