Not Sure…

I am not really sure what I am going to write. I am in an awkward mood. I feel overcome with emotion, but I am not sure what the emotions are or why I am feeling this way.

After I wrote that, this came out. I will share my sciencey, psychology, spiritually, or otherwise type things tomorrow. I suppose.

I was listening to this Explosions In The Sky - Take Care Take Care Take Care – (Full Album.

~~~~~~~~~~~

My heart is full of what I would describe as a loving type of emotion, while longing to feel connection. The disconnect is causing me to feel lost… more like wandering in a way. I am neither happy or sad, a momentary lapse of grayish, to crimson, to burgundy, to  eggplant color, swimming into yellow – reaching out for white and hoping for black.

Not black in a bad way, it is a sense of leaping into a vortex of the unknown; still terrified of the possibility of complete nothingness or utterly everything!

I hold onto the colors as emotions, walking briskly by each face that I have encountered in my lifetime. I have forgotten so many, so many never saw me. I am alone. I am raging with colors and dancing in puddles of mirrors that expose my nakedness, but I never know that I am naked.

I fear, I call out to someone to touch me. Please, let someone know me! There is no one. I look in the mirror shrouded in hues of all and the face is so unfamiliar. Solely, known to ME.

Listening to all the voices, shaking out their vibrations to each other. I am on another plane – my silence is like chaos to them. My eyes are spirals falling into the deep. My mouth speaks confusion in their world.

Where are my friends? Calls out my membranes while I squeak as a mouse in the corner of my room. I do not belong.

What is this love you speak of? My tears whisper through the dewdrops in the morning. I do not know how to be loved by them. I cannot love like them.

Will I ever know what it is like to have what they claim, touch, comfort, peace, the knowing of being adored? My flesh types out into the never-ending quills – ink is solid on the core of keyboards!

I cried on the inside filling my salt-water body with raindrops from the heavens to reach the Universal longing of something BIGGER than, the nothing that tries to escape into my brain cells. They light up my neural pathways, clicking - bouncing, ticking-tapping, zinging-ringing, flaring sparks that cannot be described.

Am I alone? My sweat quivered down my forehead.

Silence struck and I lay bare, beneath the Sun. Glimmering teeth waiting for the walkway to appear. Waiting, waiting for it to appear…

Abiding while my heart bud flowered, unfolding petals, releasing fragrance of want. Wanting something that had no name and all names at once. Each smooth petal being stroked to life, I found my air within the body of someone who was not, never, there.

Singing leaves cradled my bursting stamen floating to catch the ear of my watering Dream. I danced, releasing – letting go of the nothing that I clung to, ripping the roots from my form gently handing them into the arms of all, who looked upon me as nothing at all.

Whimpering petals, fell to the gust of wind hoping to bring back a seed of hope. They drifted on words claiming, “She knows of love. She knows…”  

Find me. My eyelashes batted into the vortex – the reflective mirror.

Is that You? Whispered the creases in my lips.

Look closer, listen quietly. My plumping cheeks quaked, and I cried!

Falling into my slumber of solace, I cried. I cried into my isolated hands. Weeping for a Love to come that never came. A realization that it was never meant for me. Never meant for me. All the qualities of sight meant nothing in the depths of hindsight. I fell to my knees, screaming and cursing the very world in which I do not belong!

Ripping apart my flesh, shaving down to my bones, I spewed, “Lick my wounds you evil disillusionment!” Sinking into my colorful spirals, finding peace where I do not belong.

I am alone.

I find no solace in loving with no love in return. I will find comfort in the only eyes that know me, hiding behind the mirror, calling out my name. Unraveling scars, opening lids that have been closed out of fear. I am soothed in knowing, that I do know of love.

I am comforted in knowing the naked body that stands in front of the mirror, twirling with streaming colors that fill the air with laughter, wonder, life, despite having no arms to wrap around the frame. These lips will curve, through despair, I will cry into the cups of the ocean, and scoop my secretions from the dewdrops that share my words. Blowing them into waterfalls of connection – somewhere.

This Tonight …

And I do know of love …

 

Sonnet XVII

by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere

I have no idea why I remembered that poem tonight. I had a wonderful day. I cannot tell you when the last time I felt like I had a wonderful day. I have felt confident today. I noticed today that my mind is seriously changing. A situation happened that started to fill me with anxiety. I felt unknown fear. I felt afraid and I stopped and asked myself what I was afraid of.

I discovered that I was afraid of someone else’s possible reaction. Then, I thought to myself what can they do to me? If they do anything negative they have much more to lose than I do. I will not be at fault for their response. So I sat there thinking – I have nothing to fear because I am not responsible for their actions or attitudes. I did nothing wrong so why on earth would I feel so frightened?

The fear left and my confidence filled me.

I wanted to finish another post on my other blog tonight, but I haven’t the time. And I am not feeling anxious about that, as I normally do.

I had a great time at my spin class. I have been challenging many of my social anxieties and forcing myself to do them and continue to do them. Such as talking to people I do not know and making phone calls without working myself up before I do it. I have found that it is not so scary. I still need down time, but it is not so scary.

I am remembering things, I am remembering me.

That is why I found it very interesting that the poem The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow popped in my head. It was a poem that I had to memorize in fourth grade. We did not have to memorize the whole thing, but I did anyway. I loved it! I remember being so nervous because we were going to have to say it a loud from memory. I always messed up when reading a loud. My words would stumble and jumble. My tongue would become a giant mass of incapable muscle.

But I was more horrible at memorizing anything and speaking in front of the class.

When I first read the poem I found the story so exciting. I loved how the words flowed. They flew easily from my mouth. I practiced at home every night. When I said my part of the poem it came out perfectly. I felt proud. My enthusiasm was a bit too much for the other kids, but my teacher actually smiled. I remember that. Fourth grade was one of the best school years I ever had, until around the end.

The group of girls who I had connected with and were my first real interactions with friendship ended up not being my friends any longer. I cannot recall everything that happened now, I do know, but I cannot recall it in this moment. However, what I do remember is that awesome day that I got to recite a poem in class that I absolutely enjoyed.

I find it interesting too that I could memorize it because I have such difficulty with memorization. That is how much that poem meant to me. I still remember much of it – not all.  What a delightful memory!

Cool down song from manic spinning class. I dig it.

Just Feeling Poetry

Busy days for me. I am a little bummed though because I have not been able to catch up on my blog reading. I had hoped to this evening, but nope. Hopefully, tomorrow I will have a little time. It makes me quite jolly to go around reading and seeing what others have to share.

This week is rather full to though so I suppose I must not pressure myself. I have a lot of social activity this week so I may need to get a lot of sleep and have “brain” resting time.

I am very pleased with the “social” progress I have been making lately, and being able to keep my boundaries set. My mind is still clear, but slowly similar circumstances are trickling their way into my psyche.

However, I am staying focused and determined to keep my mind from getting clouded and confused again.

James Fenton is my poet of choice this evening.

This song has been stuck in my head for days. The other song that got stuck inside of my head was Skid Row - Youth Gone Wild. Car radio shuffle pulls up tunes indeed… Whoa, whoa, whoa We are the youth gone wild! Whoa, whoa, whoa We are the youth gone wild! lol!

I Am of Few Words

Tonight I have few words. I am still processing and trying to settle my thoughts. Feeling a little fragile … it should pass soon, soon I hope. I have been soaking up poems from others and enjoying it very much not only on blogs, but visiting the poets from the past. They can rebirth me at times and help bring balance to my teetering thoughts.

I will share only one. I am not exactly sure how I feel about it, or if I even have an interpretation, but I liked the way it made me feel and the visuals it placed into my mind.

Human Cylinders

BY MINA LOY

The human cylinders
Revolving in the enervating dusk
That wraps each closer in the mystery
Of singularity
Among the litter of a sunless afternoon
Having eaten without tasting
Talked without communion
And at least two of us
Loved a very little
Without seeking
To know if our two miseries
In the lucid rush-together of automatons
Could form one opulent wellbeing

Simplifications of men
In the enervating dusk
Your indistinctness
Serves me the core of the kernel of you
When in the frenzied reaching out of intellect to intellect
Leaning brow to brow       communicative
Over the abyss of the potential
Concordance of respiration
Shames
Absence of corresponding between the verbal sensory
And reciprocity
Of conception
And expression
Where each extrudes beyond the tangible
One thin pale trail of speculation
From among us we have sent out
Into the enervating dusk
One little whining beast
Whose longing
Is to slink back to antediluvian burrow
And one elastic tentacle of intuition
To quiver among the stars

The impartiality of the absolute
Routs      the polemic
Or which of us
Would not
Receiving the holy-ghost
Catch it      and caging
Lose it
Or in the problematic
Destroy the Universe
With a solution

Ted musings for tonight.

 Neel Burton – The Anatomy of Melancholy: Can depression be good for you? 

Seeking some brain stirrings with music!

(language warning.) Pearl Jam – Save You

Blackbird ~ Eddie Vedder

Good night!

Unfixable

deliquesce

my cheeks are stained yellow,
remembrance of a sunrise -
it drove its swelling heat,
down; down into a stream,
of hope; twist of love -
waste?
I think Not!
as fixed as possible,
with the dealings of the sunset -
yet to come; never to arrive,
deliquescent haste,
frail and flail
my delicate heart,
hold gently,
please; love, adoration’s!
cup this heavy artery,
collect my tears,
these amber lights;
glare upon you -
fulvous delicacy; {me}
walking into a sunset
existence of amour,
lead to the path, lovely;
time holds no bounds,
fixing such a shredded being – as I
I know,
I have found a meaning,
through the sunrise,
clapping gleaming tears,
whirling into the echoes of sunsets,
coughing out rivers of gold!
springing out my words,
they cannot be retrieved;
vividly existing -
finally, I exist

~~~~~~~~~~~

That just came out as I listened to a song that was posted on another blog that I read tonight. I have stayed far away from the band for a while. I find it ironic that a song that I have deep connections to pop up when I least expect them, or rather I would prefer they not appear in my life. I do have music anxiety as well as movies and even books at time.

I have no idea how long it has been since I listened to the song. I became afraid of it. Lol! I decided that I should listen to it to face my fears. I share it below. I am glad I did. That poem is interconnected to the song; I believe I used several of the words that are in the song as well. So, it is greatly inspired I would say. hee hee

I have been working on my poetry book for days now. It has been published several times, but the formatting keeps getting out of whack and it is bothering me very much. I have continued to edit it and then, publish it, but it is not looking the way I want it to. Oh, well I will have to let it go. Maybe this last round will work.

I did not realize the intense emotions I was feeling from that along with the three post series I wrote on my other blog. Apparently, I dealt with and settled many issues that had caused me great fears in those posts.

I still have my anxieties and fears, but they do not feel so scary or rage my body and mind with fear. I am working on my self-esteem and actually comprehending that I have value.

Nice.

So maybe I am fixed in some way, but I am pretty sure I never needed to be fixed. I just needed to find all of my missing parts – the pieces of myself that I had hidden away. I also, (still need to) deal with trauma I had experienced in my life. (I am still finding my parts. Ha ha that sounds funny.)

The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Self-esteem vs. Self-respect

The Hidden Sources of Attraction

TEDxCMU – Jonathan Fields – Turning Fear Into Fuel

Here is the song. It is such a great song I do not think I will ever tire of it – I hope to not become of afraid of it anymore.

“All external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure, these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” 

~From his Stanford commencement speech. Steve Jobs, 1955-2011

Quietude

I feel silent, but peaceful. I will only share some things.

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You

FREE YOURSELF FROM EMOTIONAL DEBT: MOVE BEYOND PAIN FROM THE PAST

I will never understand the social rules, but I get her humor because I am the one who is floundering about while everyone else knows what is going on.

I know I am being completely random. There have been so many distressing things that I have been exposed to the last two weeks that I wanted to be in control of the randomness for once.

You cannot find peace by avoiding life. ~ Virginia Woolf

HEY!

HEY!

Today is one of those days,
my heart is bursting with some radiant joy -
someone out there may call it l-o-v-e!
I sit in wonder what on earth am I loving?
I wish I understood that word,
and everything wrapped (warped) into it.

Foolsih tales and mystic dreams fall off plastered smiles,
I don’t even know how to fake it -
IT! spreading spurious hugs all over the place,
no, I am incapable of doing such things.

But, I flutter about, as a dainty butterfly,
roaming in quizzical fields,
I still do not love
for such a word is callous to me
nothing more than, fraud(ulence.)

How explosive my adoration’s are,
they pretend to have some use,
oh, how they forge, and trick
scattering about like spider monkey’s -
swinging me here to there.

My eyes rolling into the back of my head,
my tongue thrashes, HEY!
then, clicking and ticking with venom,
it screams, “How about someone adore me today?”
Nah, I am fine as I roll that snake back up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was all wrapped up in my head. It made me laugh so I am leaving it. I am feeling good today, though rather frustrated that I have not been able to consume much information lately. Oh, well I guess I have been doing other things with my time. It is good for me to step away from the computer for a while and rest my brain.

I did see the last fifteen minutes of the movie Tenderness this morning. It had me at “psychopath” I can get sucked into any kind of psychological thriller. I thought it was interesting, but I am not so sure I need to watch the whole thing. I got a good nugget of things to ponder from the quote at the end by the character Russel Crowe played.

“My wife likes to say there are two kinds of people, those chasing pleasure and those running from pain. Maybe she’s right, I don’t know. What I do know is this: Pleasure helps you forget. But pain, pain forces you to hope. You tell yourself this can’t last. Today could be different. Today something just might change.” ~ Lt. Cristofuoro

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a strange dream about a German man who was rich and had plans to take care of me. It was an interesting dream for several reasons.

I am not into material possessions so I found it odd that my dream made a point to acknowledge that he was “rich.” I assumed with money or possessions, possibly it meant something else.

I never saw the man even though we met, I cannot recall ever seeing him. I know that we were in the same room because he gave me two necklaces as a gift. One was a gold chain simple and plain, the other was mixed with silver tiny balls that had designs on them along with other pinkish gems. I found it odd because I do not like gold, I am not the biggest fan of pink, and I do not usually wear necklaces.

However, I knew that the message of the dream meant more than the material thoughts that I was having. There were more details to the dream, but I need to get busy onto other things so I will not go into it. Still I did not want to forget about it because I feel like I am telling myself something. This will help trigger my mind when I can think about it some more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you can tell I am doing what I call “mind jumps.” I leap from one train of thought to the next rapidly, but in my mind they are all linked. Not everyone can catch my connections, but I understand them.

It does not matter how many years have passed, whenever; I hear this song it rips into my soul. I will never tire of it.

And now to lighten up the mood.

Letters

Just ramblings in my mind… I must be off to other adventures this evening, but these letters floating, pounding, wrestling through the entrails of my mind must come out.

thirst! dry throat,

waiting, questing,

fill this body -

misty thoughts rampage

why don’t you just say,

say, say

say

what is hidden away

eyes red, flowing

could you hurt me anymore?

quietness

vanished into some off dream

the sun blares down,

my cavity; open wound

raging heat against my scars

say, say

say

will you ever come my way?

starving! hungry belly

desires folded up

white tablecloth splattered,

with tears

red spots,

will not wash out!

damned spot! 

me

will not wash clean,

of you

or the vibrations -

your existence

say, say

say

will you ever love me that way?

nary,

I am a spot

unclothed, in the presence of this world

for amusement?

am I betrayed?

say, I let my words fly

they fly away

and you watch, with smiles

as me,

the spot

cripples in pain

~~~~~~~~

That is all. Those words were stuck in my head, now they are out. Maybe I will play with them later, but for now I SAY later, tater! Hee hee

Happy Dance!

Woot! I have heard back from the two artists, I requested to use their images for my next set of poetry books. They do offer their work freely with the images I chose, but I wanted to get permission and offer some sort of compensation. I am excited because I adore both images very much.

Igniting my passions! I hope that by working on these books that I will push my creativity.  I want to break through the walls of my imagination. I know that I have a pretty decent imagination, but I would like to keep trying to pry it open more and more. I would like to pull out those stories and poems that I have been too scared to write. I think I may have gotten a “passion” bug from watching this.

Isabel Allende

“I’m aware of the mystery around us, so I write about coincidences, premonitions, emotions, dreams, the power of nature, magic.” ~ Isabel Allende 

I Lost 

I

have

dripped too

far into

my vanquish, shall I;

shall I, walk into the echoes?