Not Sure…

I am not really sure what I am going to write. I am in an awkward mood. I feel overcome with emotion, but I am not sure what the emotions are or why I am feeling this way.

After I wrote that, this came out. I will share my sciencey, psychology, spiritually, or otherwise type things tomorrow. I suppose.

I was listening to this Explosions In The Sky - Take Care Take Care Take Care – (Full Album.

~~~~~~~~~~~

My heart is full of what I would describe as a loving type of emotion, while longing to feel connection. The disconnect is causing me to feel lost… more like wandering in a way. I am neither happy or sad, a momentary lapse of grayish, to crimson, to burgundy, to  eggplant color, swimming into yellow – reaching out for white and hoping for black.

Not black in a bad way, it is a sense of leaping into a vortex of the unknown; still terrified of the possibility of complete nothingness or utterly everything!

I hold onto the colors as emotions, walking briskly by each face that I have encountered in my lifetime. I have forgotten so many, so many never saw me. I am alone. I am raging with colors and dancing in puddles of mirrors that expose my nakedness, but I never know that I am naked.

I fear, I call out to someone to touch me. Please, let someone know me! There is no one. I look in the mirror shrouded in hues of all and the face is so unfamiliar. Solely, known to ME.

Listening to all the voices, shaking out their vibrations to each other. I am on another plane – my silence is like chaos to them. My eyes are spirals falling into the deep. My mouth speaks confusion in their world.

Where are my friends? Calls out my membranes while I squeak as a mouse in the corner of my room. I do not belong.

What is this love you speak of? My tears whisper through the dewdrops in the morning. I do not know how to be loved by them. I cannot love like them.

Will I ever know what it is like to have what they claim, touch, comfort, peace, the knowing of being adored? My flesh types out into the never-ending quills – ink is solid on the core of keyboards!

I cried on the inside filling my salt-water body with raindrops from the heavens to reach the Universal longing of something BIGGER than, the nothing that tries to escape into my brain cells. They light up my neural pathways, clicking - bouncing, ticking-tapping, zinging-ringing, flaring sparks that cannot be described.

Am I alone? My sweat quivered down my forehead.

Silence struck and I lay bare, beneath the Sun. Glimmering teeth waiting for the walkway to appear. Waiting, waiting for it to appear…

Abiding while my heart bud flowered, unfolding petals, releasing fragrance of want. Wanting something that had no name and all names at once. Each smooth petal being stroked to life, I found my air within the body of someone who was not, never, there.

Singing leaves cradled my bursting stamen floating to catch the ear of my watering Dream. I danced, releasing – letting go of the nothing that I clung to, ripping the roots from my form gently handing them into the arms of all, who looked upon me as nothing at all.

Whimpering petals, fell to the gust of wind hoping to bring back a seed of hope. They drifted on words claiming, “She knows of love. She knows…”  

Find me. My eyelashes batted into the vortex – the reflective mirror.

Is that You? Whispered the creases in my lips.

Look closer, listen quietly. My plumping cheeks quaked, and I cried!

Falling into my slumber of solace, I cried. I cried into my isolated hands. Weeping for a Love to come that never came. A realization that it was never meant for me. Never meant for me. All the qualities of sight meant nothing in the depths of hindsight. I fell to my knees, screaming and cursing the very world in which I do not belong!

Ripping apart my flesh, shaving down to my bones, I spewed, “Lick my wounds you evil disillusionment!” Sinking into my colorful spirals, finding peace where I do not belong.

I am alone.

I find no solace in loving with no love in return. I will find comfort in the only eyes that know me, hiding behind the mirror, calling out my name. Unraveling scars, opening lids that have been closed out of fear. I am soothed in knowing, that I do know of love.

I am comforted in knowing the naked body that stands in front of the mirror, twirling with streaming colors that fill the air with laughter, wonder, life, despite having no arms to wrap around the frame. These lips will curve, through despair, I will cry into the cups of the ocean, and scoop my secretions from the dewdrops that share my words. Blowing them into waterfalls of connection – somewhere.

Too Busy!

I have a lot of stuff going on. I really want to write, but I cannot. Bummer. (I may later.) Instead, I will leave this poem and some Nirvana to remember Kurt Cobain since, I did not get to share the other day. Nirvana helped me through some serious depressive episodes throughout my life. I cannot explain it, but somehow I felt comfort in the pain.

A Birthday Present

By Sylvia Plath 

What is this, behind this veil, is it ugly, is it beautiful?
It is shimmering, has it breasts, has it edges?

I am sure it is unique, I am sure it is what I want.
When I am quiet at my cooking I feel it looking, I feel it thinking

‘Is this the one I am too appear for,
Is this the elect one, the one with black eye-pits and a scar?

Measuring the flour, cutting off the surplus,
Adhering to rules, to rules, to rules.

Is this the one for the annunciation?
My god, what a laugh!’

But it shimmers, it does not stop, and I think it wants me.
I would not mind if it were bones, or a pearl button.

I do not want much of a present, anyway, this year.
After all I am alive only by accident.

I would have killed myself gladly that time any possible way.
Now there are these veils, shimmering like curtains,

The diaphanous satins of a January window
White as babies’ bedding and glittering with dead breath. O ivory!

It must be a tusk there, a ghost column.
Can you not see I do not mind what it is.

Can you not give it to me?
Do not be ashamed–I do not mind if it is small.

Do not be mean, I am ready for enormity.
Let us sit down to it, one on either side, admiring the gleam,

The glaze, the mirrory variety of it.
Let us eat our last supper at it, like a hospital plate.

I know why you will not give it to me,
You are terrified

The world will go up in a shriek, and your head with it,
Bossed, brazen, an antique shield,

A marvel to your great-grandchildren.
Do not be afraid, it is not so.

I will only take it and go aside quietly.
You will not even hear me opening it, no paper crackle,

No falling ribbons, no scream at the end.
I do not think you credit me with this discretion.

If you only knew how the veils were killing my days.
To you they are only transparencies, clear air.

But my god, the clouds are like cotton.
Armies of them. They are carbon monoxide.

Sweetly, sweetly I breathe in,
Filling my veins with invisibles, with the million

Probable motes that tick the years off my life.
You are silver-suited for the occasion. O adding machine—–

Is it impossible for you to let something go and have it go whole?
Must you stamp each piece purple,

Must you kill what you can?
There is one thing I want today, and only you can give it to me.

It stands at my window, big as the sky.
It breathes from my sheets, the cold dead center

Where split lives congeal and stiffen to history.
Let it not come by the mail, finger by finger.

Let it not come by word of mouth, I should be sixty
By the time the whole of it was delivered, and to numb to use it.

Only let down the veil, the veil, the veil.
If it were death

I would admire the deep gravity of it, its timeless eyes.
I would know you were serious.

There would be a nobility then, there would be a birthday.
And the knife not carve, but enter

Pure and clean as the cry of a baby,
And the universe slide from my side.

I love this song covered by Nirvana, originally written by Lead Belly (Huddie Ledbetter)  his version here Where Did You Sleep Last Night.

Just Feeling Poetry

Busy days for me. I am a little bummed though because I have not been able to catch up on my blog reading. I had hoped to this evening, but nope. Hopefully, tomorrow I will have a little time. It makes me quite jolly to go around reading and seeing what others have to share.

This week is rather full to though so I suppose I must not pressure myself. I have a lot of social activity this week so I may need to get a lot of sleep and have “brain” resting time.

I am very pleased with the “social” progress I have been making lately, and being able to keep my boundaries set. My mind is still clear, but slowly similar circumstances are trickling their way into my psyche.

However, I am staying focused and determined to keep my mind from getting clouded and confused again.

James Fenton is my poet of choice this evening.

This song has been stuck in my head for days. The other song that got stuck inside of my head was Skid Row - Youth Gone Wild. Car radio shuffle pulls up tunes indeed… Whoa, whoa, whoa We are the youth gone wild! Whoa, whoa, whoa We are the youth gone wild! lol!

Pondering-Processing-Poetry…

I haven’t much to say, just keeping my mind focused and moving forward. Onward and upward!

Sylvia Plath - Conversation Among The Ruins

Through portico of my elegant house you stalk
With your wild furies, disturbing garlands of fruit
And the fabulous lutes and peacocks, rending the net
Of all decorum which holds the whirlwind back.
Now, rich order of walls is fallen; rooks croak
Above the appalling ruin; in bleak light
Of your stormy eye, magic takes flight
Like a daunted witch, quitting castle when real days break.

Fractured pillars frame prospects of rock;
While you stand heroic in coat and tie, I sit
Composed in Grecian tunic and psyche-knot,
Rooted to your black look, the play turned tragic:
Which such blight wrought on our bankrupt estate,
What ceremony of words can patch the havoc?

SYLVIA PLATH “Conversation Among the Ruins” Study Guide

I Am of Few Words

Tonight I have few words. I am still processing and trying to settle my thoughts. Feeling a little fragile … it should pass soon, soon I hope. I have been soaking up poems from others and enjoying it very much not only on blogs, but visiting the poets from the past. They can rebirth me at times and help bring balance to my teetering thoughts.

I will share only one. I am not exactly sure how I feel about it, or if I even have an interpretation, but I liked the way it made me feel and the visuals it placed into my mind.

Human Cylinders

BY MINA LOY

The human cylinders
Revolving in the enervating dusk
That wraps each closer in the mystery
Of singularity
Among the litter of a sunless afternoon
Having eaten without tasting
Talked without communion
And at least two of us
Loved a very little
Without seeking
To know if our two miseries
In the lucid rush-together of automatons
Could form one opulent wellbeing

Simplifications of men
In the enervating dusk
Your indistinctness
Serves me the core of the kernel of you
When in the frenzied reaching out of intellect to intellect
Leaning brow to brow       communicative
Over the abyss of the potential
Concordance of respiration
Shames
Absence of corresponding between the verbal sensory
And reciprocity
Of conception
And expression
Where each extrudes beyond the tangible
One thin pale trail of speculation
From among us we have sent out
Into the enervating dusk
One little whining beast
Whose longing
Is to slink back to antediluvian burrow
And one elastic tentacle of intuition
To quiver among the stars

The impartiality of the absolute
Routs      the polemic
Or which of us
Would not
Receiving the holy-ghost
Catch it      and caging
Lose it
Or in the problematic
Destroy the Universe
With a solution

Ted musings for tonight.

 Neel Burton – The Anatomy of Melancholy: Can depression be good for you? 

Seeking some brain stirrings with music!

(language warning.) Pearl Jam – Save You

Blackbird ~ Eddie Vedder

Good night!

Unfixable

deliquesce

my cheeks are stained yellow,
remembrance of a sunrise -
it drove its swelling heat,
down; down into a stream,
of hope; twist of love -
waste?
I think Not!
as fixed as possible,
with the dealings of the sunset -
yet to come; never to arrive,
deliquescent haste,
frail and flail
my delicate heart,
hold gently,
please; love, adoration’s!
cup this heavy artery,
collect my tears,
these amber lights;
glare upon you -
fulvous delicacy; {me}
walking into a sunset
existence of amour,
lead to the path, lovely;
time holds no bounds,
fixing such a shredded being – as I
I know,
I have found a meaning,
through the sunrise,
clapping gleaming tears,
whirling into the echoes of sunsets,
coughing out rivers of gold!
springing out my words,
they cannot be retrieved;
vividly existing -
finally, I exist

~~~~~~~~~~~

That just came out as I listened to a song that was posted on another blog that I read tonight. I have stayed far away from the band for a while. I find it ironic that a song that I have deep connections to pop up when I least expect them, or rather I would prefer they not appear in my life. I do have music anxiety as well as movies and even books at time.

I have no idea how long it has been since I listened to the song. I became afraid of it. Lol! I decided that I should listen to it to face my fears. I share it below. I am glad I did. That poem is interconnected to the song; I believe I used several of the words that are in the song as well. So, it is greatly inspired I would say. hee hee

I have been working on my poetry book for days now. It has been published several times, but the formatting keeps getting out of whack and it is bothering me very much. I have continued to edit it and then, publish it, but it is not looking the way I want it to. Oh, well I will have to let it go. Maybe this last round will work.

I did not realize the intense emotions I was feeling from that along with the three post series I wrote on my other blog. Apparently, I dealt with and settled many issues that had caused me great fears in those posts.

I still have my anxieties and fears, but they do not feel so scary or rage my body and mind with fear. I am working on my self-esteem and actually comprehending that I have value.

Nice.

So maybe I am fixed in some way, but I am pretty sure I never needed to be fixed. I just needed to find all of my missing parts – the pieces of myself that I had hidden away. I also, (still need to) deal with trauma I had experienced in my life. (I am still finding my parts. Ha ha that sounds funny.)

The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Self-esteem vs. Self-respect

The Hidden Sources of Attraction

TEDxCMU – Jonathan Fields – Turning Fear Into Fuel

Here is the song. It is such a great song I do not think I will ever tire of it – I hope to not become of afraid of it anymore.

“All external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure, these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” 

~From his Stanford commencement speech. Steve Jobs, 1955-2011

Quietude

I feel silent, but peaceful. I will only share some things.

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You

FREE YOURSELF FROM EMOTIONAL DEBT: MOVE BEYOND PAIN FROM THE PAST

I will never understand the social rules, but I get her humor because I am the one who is floundering about while everyone else knows what is going on.

I know I am being completely random. There have been so many distressing things that I have been exposed to the last two weeks that I wanted to be in control of the randomness for once.

You cannot find peace by avoiding life. ~ Virginia Woolf

HEY!

HEY!

Today is one of those days,
my heart is bursting with some radiant joy -
someone out there may call it l-o-v-e!
I sit in wonder what on earth am I loving?
I wish I understood that word,
and everything wrapped (warped) into it.

Foolsih tales and mystic dreams fall off plastered smiles,
I don’t even know how to fake it -
IT! spreading spurious hugs all over the place,
no, I am incapable of doing such things.

But, I flutter about, as a dainty butterfly,
roaming in quizzical fields,
I still do not love
for such a word is callous to me
nothing more than, fraud(ulence.)

How explosive my adoration’s are,
they pretend to have some use,
oh, how they forge, and trick
scattering about like spider monkey’s -
swinging me here to there.

My eyes rolling into the back of my head,
my tongue thrashes, HEY!
then, clicking and ticking with venom,
it screams, “How about someone adore me today?”
Nah, I am fine as I roll that snake back up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was all wrapped up in my head. It made me laugh so I am leaving it. I am feeling good today, though rather frustrated that I have not been able to consume much information lately. Oh, well I guess I have been doing other things with my time. It is good for me to step away from the computer for a while and rest my brain.

I did see the last fifteen minutes of the movie Tenderness this morning. It had me at “psychopath” I can get sucked into any kind of psychological thriller. I thought it was interesting, but I am not so sure I need to watch the whole thing. I got a good nugget of things to ponder from the quote at the end by the character Russel Crowe played.

“My wife likes to say there are two kinds of people, those chasing pleasure and those running from pain. Maybe she’s right, I don’t know. What I do know is this: Pleasure helps you forget. But pain, pain forces you to hope. You tell yourself this can’t last. Today could be different. Today something just might change.” ~ Lt. Cristofuoro

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a strange dream about a German man who was rich and had plans to take care of me. It was an interesting dream for several reasons.

I am not into material possessions so I found it odd that my dream made a point to acknowledge that he was “rich.” I assumed with money or possessions, possibly it meant something else.

I never saw the man even though we met, I cannot recall ever seeing him. I know that we were in the same room because he gave me two necklaces as a gift. One was a gold chain simple and plain, the other was mixed with silver tiny balls that had designs on them along with other pinkish gems. I found it odd because I do not like gold, I am not the biggest fan of pink, and I do not usually wear necklaces.

However, I knew that the message of the dream meant more than the material thoughts that I was having. There were more details to the dream, but I need to get busy onto other things so I will not go into it. Still I did not want to forget about it because I feel like I am telling myself something. This will help trigger my mind when I can think about it some more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you can tell I am doing what I call “mind jumps.” I leap from one train of thought to the next rapidly, but in my mind they are all linked. Not everyone can catch my connections, but I understand them.

It does not matter how many years have passed, whenever; I hear this song it rips into my soul. I will never tire of it.

And now to lighten up the mood.

Letters

Just ramblings in my mind… I must be off to other adventures this evening, but these letters floating, pounding, wrestling through the entrails of my mind must come out.

thirst! dry throat,

waiting, questing,

fill this body -

misty thoughts rampage

why don’t you just say,

say, say

say

what is hidden away

eyes red, flowing

could you hurt me anymore?

quietness

vanished into some off dream

the sun blares down,

my cavity; open wound

raging heat against my scars

say, say

say

will you ever come my way?

starving! hungry belly

desires folded up

white tablecloth splattered,

with tears

red spots,

will not wash out!

damned spot! 

me

will not wash clean,

of you

or the vibrations -

your existence

say, say

say

will you ever love me that way?

nary,

I am a spot

unclothed, in the presence of this world

for amusement?

am I betrayed?

say, I let my words fly

they fly away

and you watch, with smiles

as me,

the spot

cripples in pain

~~~~~~~~

That is all. Those words were stuck in my head, now they are out. Maybe I will play with them later, but for now I SAY later, tater! Hee hee

Happy Dance!

Woot! I have heard back from the two artists, I requested to use their images for my next set of poetry books. They do offer their work freely with the images I chose, but I wanted to get permission and offer some sort of compensation. I am excited because I adore both images very much.

Igniting my passions! I hope that by working on these books that I will push my creativity.  I want to break through the walls of my imagination. I know that I have a pretty decent imagination, but I would like to keep trying to pry it open more and more. I would like to pull out those stories and poems that I have been too scared to write. I think I may have gotten a “passion” bug from watching this.

Isabel Allende

“I’m aware of the mystery around us, so I write about coincidences, premonitions, emotions, dreams, the power of nature, magic.” ~ Isabel Allende 

I Lost 

I

have

dripped too

far into

my vanquish, shall I;

shall I, walk into the echoes?