Feeling Chipper (Babbling)

Not sure if my sinus/head cold whatever, what have you, mind mess is making me happy, but I am feeling very chipper at the moment. I thought I would share this Nick Hornby’s Pep Talk; maybe someone else needs a “pep talk?” Nick Hornby is rock awesome. I enjoy his writings and I find him to be an interesting person because he is so dullishly human. That makes the best types of people.

Nothing grand and spectacular, but that is exactly what makes us so magnificent! In the boring, mundane tasks of life, we live amazing adventures. There was a movie that I liked very much, the movie was a bit grim, it was about an evil spirit that latched onto people through touch, turning them into killers.The movie is Fallen (1998). 

I found the movie fascinating for several reasons. I have always been intrigued by serial killers, spiritual things that seem to have no explanations, mystery/thriller films can grab my attention – even cheesy ones! It feeds some sort pleasure spot in my brain, probably because I watched so much Alfred Hitchcock while growing up. Speaking of which, look at this! Hitchcock, woot! I do want to see this.  Hitchcock is another person who I enjoy to read about and watch biographies.

Anthony Hopkins, yay!

So, the movie Fallen, what is my tangent? Whenever I think of this movie or if I am out and about people watching while doing my shopping, the concept of being affected by another person is triggered in my mind. There have been many occasions when I felt as if I was morphed into another realm, seeing inside of the person I just had contact with. I normally do not let people touch me because I am highly sensitive to their emotions and it does feel like parts of them are latching on to me.

I think this is another reason why this movie has been one that stuck in my brain. I have had people touch me and then, all the sudden I became angry, giggly, sad, happy, and I would have no idea why. It happened often when I would pray for people, I could literally go from feeling very content and happy to depressed and as though my heart was broken into pieces.

This can happen without touching people also. Their words, even if fictional, can sink into my core and I will feel and become the emotion of the character. I have struggled with this, but after pondering over it a bit, I think I should grab hold of it as a gift and funnel it into writing. For years, I have been confused by it. I have been confused by my emotions. They are all jumbled being mixed up with others, I suppose. There have only been a few times in my life when I was not confused by what I felt and I understood it fully.

I became confused for other reasons, but my emotions I knew because they were so distinct and clear. That does not happen for me very much. It makes me chipper to think upon some those times and know what I felt in those moments. I will cling to them and embrace them with all of my heart.

Look, I know that I am babbling and quite honestly, I do not know if I am making any sense, but I feel like I need to write this gibberish out. Maybe someone knows what I am talking about or maybe they will get entertainment from my dullishly humdrum musings. La la la

Nick Hornby on His Relationship with Music

For some reason I have Nick Hornby and David Gray connected in my mind. I cannot think of one without the other. They have a similar feel to me – I am not sure how to explain it. Kind of like a silvery, bluish, sparkly tealish color of trails that dance about. Song for the day. (It is triggering a poem.) LOVE these lyrics! David Gray – Foundling Lyrics

While I am at it I am posting some pictures … I think they are jolly.

So Much!

I have so much that I want to write, but I am afraid I do not know where to start. The words are jumbling, twisting, vibrating, and colliding. I am strangely happy, yet I feel I should be sad. I am sure my sadness will come soon enough and flutter off as quickly as it came only to return again as I giggle through tears, and laugh looking dismal. Dramatics does run through the blood of poets, right?

Took a few billion pictures today, but I really want to go driving around and capture the amazing images of all of the trees around my neighborhood. Such glorious beauty! Today I gathered photos from my backyard. I picked up a zillion leaves and examined their colors, veins, and stems for fun. I also raised them to the sun’s rays to see through them, or to watch the light bounce off of them. Such fun! That is all I am collecting words for later.

Chow!

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Happy Is As Happy Does?

I do not understand that idiom, but I will go with it. I am transitioning from a looping negative state into a happier balanced mind. I am so happy to see Curiosity made it and is happily roaming around Mars for our intriguing pleasures. The delight for all of us grounded to the planet we currently call home. It is good to see Mars getting its rightful attention being that it is a love interest of mine. I wrote a poem about him you know, Mars.

Joel Levine: Why we need to go back to Mars

Infinity makes me happy.

Pictures from the weekend. 

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Lovely song.

Anna Ternheim – Terrified

No one I’ll rather be with than you
Never say the word but our eyes always do
My head explodes and my mind’s a mess
And I’m dying to move like young boys do

No one I’ll rather be with than you
Away with the bothers and the saddest of news
Sober or not, high and down below
Days you know but nothing flows

You see me like no one saw me before
You see me like no one saw me before
And this part terrifies me so

No one makes me free like you make me
I speak my mind, I’m honest and I’m cruel
I lay out my cards, I’m a joke, I’m a fool
But the beast in me sleeps oh so peacefully, oh so peacefully

You see me like no one saw me before
You see me like no one saw me before
You see me like no one saw me before
You see me like no one saw me before

Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Smiling.

I’ve Lost My Words

I seem to have lost any flow. Too much of this, too much of them, too, too, too, I want to play outside and be left alone for a decade and then, come back and see if it is worth wild to come indoors.

I have been absorbing this album High Violet- The National.

Oooooohhh! Making me feel good.

The To-Be-Forgotten by Thomas Hardy

I
I heard a small sad sound,
And stood awhile among the tombs around:
“Wherefore, old friends,” said I, “are you distrest,
Now, screened from life’s unrest?”

II
–”O not at being here;
But that our future second death is near;
When, with the living, memory of us numbs,
And blank oblivion comes!

III
“These, our sped ancestry,
Lie here embraced by deeper death than we;
Nor shape nor thought of theirs can you descry
With keenest backward eye.

IV
“They count as quite forgot;
They are as men who have existed not;
Theirs is a loss past loss of fitful breath;
It is the second death.

V
“We here, as yet, each day
Are blest with dear recall; as yet, can say
We hold in some soul loved continuance
Of shape and voice and glance.

VI
“But what has been will be –
First memory, then oblivion’s swallowing sea;
Like men foregone, shall we merge into those
Whose story no one knows.

VII
“For which of us could hope
To show in life that world-awakening scope
Granted the few whose memory none lets die,
But all men magnify?

VIII
“We were but Fortune’s sport;
Things true, things lovely, things of good report
We neither shunned nor sought … We see our bourne,
And seeing it we mourn.”

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Sometimes You Just Gotta Hush

Oooooo, I’m a jammin’ to some Deep Purple cause that’s what I am feeling. I dig them, you know. Deep purple… eggplant I suppose.

Why “hush?” I am not sure it is the word that popped into my brain when I sat down to my computer. I heard in a quieted voice “hussshhhh” and immediately a poem started brewing. The color purple swarmed around in my head and by then, I had the song crawling all through my brain stem.

I thought of the butterfly that came by today while I was outside, who fluttered all about sucking up nectar from the flowers. It flew in and out, around, in between, playing flapping close and then, far from me. When butterflies do this to me, they always have a story to tell. I am known around these parts as the “Butterfly Chaser.” All the butterflies know me even in their short life span. They like to come and visit. I have only seen a few since I have arrived however, it has been too hot.

I have not seen such a prized treasure as I had today. She was so lovely indeed. She allowed me to get close enough to see the white dots on her thorax. A perfect beauty that sucked up all of my attention – grabbing me with its eloquence and revealing magnificent tales, she had seen. She sucked on purple flowers – quite possibly that is a reason for my purple mind invasion. I was quiet, and hushed as I observed her details and movements.

She tickled passed my face and arms at times. She was here most of the afternoon. It was one of those times in life that seemed to stand still for hours. A great gift from the heavens to enjoy the company of a soft spoken, elegant creature. I scooped up her stories, filed them away, and will pulling from them in the future. She had a copious amount of chronicles to flap and flitter about. Divine tales to unfold in my mind.

Here she is.

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Geez! I love this song!

Mesh notes seeping,
overflowing my core.
Hypnotized covered eyes,
sealed with butterfly wings -
brushing against my lids.
Soaked into musical vapors.
Fill my bones,
soothing voice.
Drive solace home,
my solace that swept in,
from dots of a beauteous thorax.
Liturgy of fantasies written,
in the lines of wings,
all about this daze.
Mesmerizing tunes,
spilling songs of you.
Antennas lurching harmony,
whisking in the storm clouds -
bouncing above my head.
Thunder pounding in the distance,
drumming keys,
in sync with butterfly wings,
glued into my eyes.
Forelegs snapping to the notes,
eyes looking into mine.
Spreading a knowing melody,
the creatures all know of you and I.

Oh, I am going to put that on my poetry blog…

And this song is what I am feelin’ now! Woot!

Dreaming In My New Yard

I am officially obsessed with my new yard. I cannot stop going back there and exploring, but I need to pay attention because apparently the ticks are bad and there is a bout of West Nile infested mosquitoes around these parts. Mosquitoes never bite me; very few bugs seem to enjoy the tasty treat of my skin, or blood. I must be bitter.

I have several pictures flowing in the slideshow of my new yard. The sky is grand every morning. The clouds are new and lively. I have critters all over the place. There are all kinds of flowers, and plants.

I am a little worried about the landscaping. I am horrible at keeping plants, and flowers alive. I just do not have the knack for it. I made sure in the lease that the owner took care of all the wonderful landscaping. I will mow the lawn and hopefully my uncle will help me a bit with his awesome lawn equipment to chop down the humongous weeds that are becoming a forest of their own. The property manager or owner did not do much upkeep on the lawn. We are in a drought and things are dying. Limbs from these gargantuan trees are falling…

Among the living in my fairy tale yard are dying things. I find myself exploring dead critters, and memorized by dying flowers. I seem to find such beauty in life and death. It fills my head with stories and make-believe worlds that I long to live in forever. This is what I remember about my childhood – my escapes. The difference now is that no one is allowed to steal my stories from me anymore.

I found an ant nest as well. My picture looks like dirt, but it is really tons and tons of ants. I could not stop watching them. Busily rushing and flooding to get to somewhere, but I could not locate where. There was a hornet on his back, it looked like he was cleaning himself but I could not tell. I do believe I got way too close to him. I cannot help myself I must study and examine creatures.

There are so many worlds going on underground. So many worlds around me. So many creatures living and stirring about as I stomp upon the ground waking them into the world of giants that has not been around here for months. I hear the birds and squirrels all chattering and checking our movements out when they think we are not moving.

We are the gossip of the trees.

Baucis and Philemon live in my backyard, or possibly the Two Trees of Valinor.

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The Butterfly Circus

I tend to be quite cynical when it comes to “inspirational” type of flicks, or certain types of sayings. I am not when they seem to be full of impact. However, there are certain types that feel like cotton candy to me, or marshmallow fluff. It confuses me when I see others hem and haw all over it. I am feeling like “Negative Nelly” pointing out the absurdity I see, or asking why they think it is so awesome. I wish I could explain it better, but I do not think I can. It doesn’t feel real to me, it feels sugary and pink. That is the best I can articulate what it feels like.

When I decided to watch the short film this morning I was not sure what it was going to be like. I tried to keep my cynicism at bay, and watch with an open mind. I try to do that at all times - that is why it so disappointing to me when I feel like I have been covered in sap after watching something inspirational. I did not feel that way watching this short film. (20 minutes) I am not a fan of the circus, but I think I would totally love “The Butterfly Circus.” I think I would belong there.

I am sharing some pictures I took recently.

Beauty in my world.

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Another One Lurking In The Drafts…

I found this lurking in my drafts from April. I guess I was feeling mushy. Who knows? I really like the songs though! I am sure they had something to do with my mood that day.

Sometimes my heart feels like it needs to explode. I unravel — my pains flare, and unfold into lovely flying doves. I smile at light, manifesting smiles through my brokenness and share my delight with the world. It is too much to have emotions that have no words. They curl into rippling laughter, and spheres of dropping tears. So I laugh on, and share my joys and pain, dancing in spirit with all of those who know what I am talking about.

My music seems a little melancholy today. It is digging and churning up my heart, but only because I am planting some lovely sunflower seeds. Hee hee (I am listening to all kinds of things today.)

I share my brightness today, flowing and pouring out colorful splashes into the world.

I can’t remember how I found Anneke van Giersbergen. ??? Strange I cannot recall. (That bothers me can you tell?) I like her softer music. She made me feel quiet. I think this first song is my favorite.

Then this one Anneke van Giersbergen – Circles and then, Anneke van Giersbergen, Sunny Side Up.

The song below was on my youtube feed and I instantly loved it. It is all eery and goth feeling. Penetrating some intense love vibes. I felt this music today…it could be because it is all cloudy and rainy outside. That can make feel a little “too deep” in my emotions. Come back sun!  

A bit of sunshine through song gettin’ some of my bluegrass on Peter Rowan Bluegrass Band – The Raven I love these guys, they make me dance. I found them through this bluegrass blog I found too long ago to remember. My listening ears are all over the place…drifting and swimming, I’ll wave as I pass by.

Some Recent Pictures

I have not shared many of my pictures recently. I have captured some really lovely pictures of the sky and some critters. I did take a picture of a rainbow that appeared right before a tropical storm hit. I wasn’t able to get the colors very well though. The sky turned yellow, but it changed so quickly that I missed it. However, I did get the purplish sky right before the rain came down.

One of the sunset pictures reminds me of an Egyptian eye. There are some fabulous sunrays and cloud pictures. I wish I had a better camera to truly capture the beauty that I see. I think my camera did a pretty good job though.

I went to the beach today and got some grand shots. I have to say though – my mom took the coolest picture. I am a bit apprehensive to share it because it is the back of me, but the reflection on the sand looks so awesome! The water and clouds look amazing to me. I made it black and white so I would not feel so self-conscious.

This image reflects much of what I feel. I am not sure how to explain it, but it feels like my mom actually captured a true moment of me being me. (Even if it is only my backside. Lol!) In a way, I feel disconnected like that is not me at all and it is a person who is about ready to walk straight into the sea never return. At the same time I feel utterly connected and whole with myself. Strange. The image makes me feel very happy. I love water, and I love the ocean.

I also took pictures of the inside of the house alarm system the other day because I thought it was fascinating and I liked looking at all of its details. I have a picture of my computer with my background of Toothless…I thought it was funny. He has green eyes. The beach made me think of Moby today. I am not sure why.

I watched Infinity the other night. “A chronicle of the life of Richard Feynman and his relationship with his wife, Arline.” You can watch the whole thing here Infinity. I am not sure if it can be watched in other countries. The movie had a slow pace, but it was a very endearing film. Matthew Broderick seemed to play Richard Feynman very well. I do have a great fondness for Richard P. Feynman. (I think ol’ Dick was an Aspie, at least he had very many traits. I am only speculating. )

Picture time!

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Long Day

I had a very long day, managed to get lost and a little late for an appointment…at least, I discovered a cool spider hanging out on the bushes in the parking lot. I tried to get a good picture, but couldn’t. I have one that is alright.

Later, I went to the beach and took some pictures as well. My mom and I saw a creepy black thing bobbing in the water. It freaked us out, at one point it looked like black hair floating and I thought it may be a head. I know I have a morbid imagination sometimes. I went to investigate, but it looked really creepy and like it was coming after me so I ran off…to get my camera! No, no I am jumping ahead. Several minutes later it had washed up on the shore. We went over to check it out and it looked like some creepy creature. It kind of reminded me of a bunch of stag beetles. I thought possibly at any moment the cluster was going to start pulling apart and come after me!

So I did what any normal person would – I went to get my camera! On my way back to the weird monster, I watched two girls stop and investigate it. They were getting pretty close and I wondered if they knew what it was. I asked them and the one girl said that it was shark egg cases. WHAT? I asked her how she knew that and she said that when she was younger she had a “slight shark” obession. Her friend said, “a slight obsession?” Then, the girl laughed and said, “Ok, I know everything there is to know about sharks.”

She put a circle around them and wrote “Shark eggs.” I got a picture before the water washed it away. I will add here that after our first few moments of interaction I am fairly certain she is an Aspie. There was some sort of kindred feeling and understanding that happened that I have discovered with other people on the spectrum, or at least people with many similarities. She however, had multiple clues to help me come to a “feeling” that she may be an Aspie. SO shark egg cases! Wow, coolest thing ever! I found some other creature type things, well the shell of something I am not sure what it was either. The clouds looked like a painting today. Sweetness!

This is all I could share today. My brain is fuzzy.

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I listened to these while writing. Good Night!