Not Sure…

I am not really sure what I am going to write. I am in an awkward mood. I feel overcome with emotion, but I am not sure what the emotions are or why I am feeling this way.

After I wrote that, this came out. I will share my sciencey, psychology, spiritually, or otherwise type things tomorrow. I suppose.

I was listening to this Explosions In The Sky - Take Care Take Care Take Care – (Full Album.

~~~~~~~~~~~

My heart is full of what I would describe as a loving type of emotion, while longing to feel connection. The disconnect is causing me to feel lost… more like wandering in a way. I am neither happy or sad, a momentary lapse of grayish, to crimson, to burgundy, to  eggplant color, swimming into yellow – reaching out for white and hoping for black.

Not black in a bad way, it is a sense of leaping into a vortex of the unknown; still terrified of the possibility of complete nothingness or utterly everything!

I hold onto the colors as emotions, walking briskly by each face that I have encountered in my lifetime. I have forgotten so many, so many never saw me. I am alone. I am raging with colors and dancing in puddles of mirrors that expose my nakedness, but I never know that I am naked.

I fear, I call out to someone to touch me. Please, let someone know me! There is no one. I look in the mirror shrouded in hues of all and the face is so unfamiliar. Solely, known to ME.

Listening to all the voices, shaking out their vibrations to each other. I am on another plane – my silence is like chaos to them. My eyes are spirals falling into the deep. My mouth speaks confusion in their world.

Where are my friends? Calls out my membranes while I squeak as a mouse in the corner of my room. I do not belong.

What is this love you speak of? My tears whisper through the dewdrops in the morning. I do not know how to be loved by them. I cannot love like them.

Will I ever know what it is like to have what they claim, touch, comfort, peace, the knowing of being adored? My flesh types out into the never-ending quills – ink is solid on the core of keyboards!

I cried on the inside filling my salt-water body with raindrops from the heavens to reach the Universal longing of something BIGGER than, the nothing that tries to escape into my brain cells. They light up my neural pathways, clicking - bouncing, ticking-tapping, zinging-ringing, flaring sparks that cannot be described.

Am I alone? My sweat quivered down my forehead.

Silence struck and I lay bare, beneath the Sun. Glimmering teeth waiting for the walkway to appear. Waiting, waiting for it to appear…

Abiding while my heart bud flowered, unfolding petals, releasing fragrance of want. Wanting something that had no name and all names at once. Each smooth petal being stroked to life, I found my air within the body of someone who was not, never, there.

Singing leaves cradled my bursting stamen floating to catch the ear of my watering Dream. I danced, releasing – letting go of the nothing that I clung to, ripping the roots from my form gently handing them into the arms of all, who looked upon me as nothing at all.

Whimpering petals, fell to the gust of wind hoping to bring back a seed of hope. They drifted on words claiming, “She knows of love. She knows…”  

Find me. My eyelashes batted into the vortex – the reflective mirror.

Is that You? Whispered the creases in my lips.

Look closer, listen quietly. My plumping cheeks quaked, and I cried!

Falling into my slumber of solace, I cried. I cried into my isolated hands. Weeping for a Love to come that never came. A realization that it was never meant for me. Never meant for me. All the qualities of sight meant nothing in the depths of hindsight. I fell to my knees, screaming and cursing the very world in which I do not belong!

Ripping apart my flesh, shaving down to my bones, I spewed, “Lick my wounds you evil disillusionment!” Sinking into my colorful spirals, finding peace where I do not belong.

I am alone.

I find no solace in loving with no love in return. I will find comfort in the only eyes that know me, hiding behind the mirror, calling out my name. Unraveling scars, opening lids that have been closed out of fear. I am soothed in knowing, that I do know of love.

I am comforted in knowing the naked body that stands in front of the mirror, twirling with streaming colors that fill the air with laughter, wonder, life, despite having no arms to wrap around the frame. These lips will curve, through despair, I will cry into the cups of the ocean, and scoop my secretions from the dewdrops that share my words. Blowing them into waterfalls of connection – somewhere.

Too Busy!

I have a lot of stuff going on. I really want to write, but I cannot. Bummer. (I may later.) Instead, I will leave this poem and some Nirvana to remember Kurt Cobain since, I did not get to share the other day. Nirvana helped me through some serious depressive episodes throughout my life. I cannot explain it, but somehow I felt comfort in the pain.

A Birthday Present

By Sylvia Plath 

What is this, behind this veil, is it ugly, is it beautiful?
It is shimmering, has it breasts, has it edges?

I am sure it is unique, I am sure it is what I want.
When I am quiet at my cooking I feel it looking, I feel it thinking

‘Is this the one I am too appear for,
Is this the elect one, the one with black eye-pits and a scar?

Measuring the flour, cutting off the surplus,
Adhering to rules, to rules, to rules.

Is this the one for the annunciation?
My god, what a laugh!’

But it shimmers, it does not stop, and I think it wants me.
I would not mind if it were bones, or a pearl button.

I do not want much of a present, anyway, this year.
After all I am alive only by accident.

I would have killed myself gladly that time any possible way.
Now there are these veils, shimmering like curtains,

The diaphanous satins of a January window
White as babies’ bedding and glittering with dead breath. O ivory!

It must be a tusk there, a ghost column.
Can you not see I do not mind what it is.

Can you not give it to me?
Do not be ashamed–I do not mind if it is small.

Do not be mean, I am ready for enormity.
Let us sit down to it, one on either side, admiring the gleam,

The glaze, the mirrory variety of it.
Let us eat our last supper at it, like a hospital plate.

I know why you will not give it to me,
You are terrified

The world will go up in a shriek, and your head with it,
Bossed, brazen, an antique shield,

A marvel to your great-grandchildren.
Do not be afraid, it is not so.

I will only take it and go aside quietly.
You will not even hear me opening it, no paper crackle,

No falling ribbons, no scream at the end.
I do not think you credit me with this discretion.

If you only knew how the veils were killing my days.
To you they are only transparencies, clear air.

But my god, the clouds are like cotton.
Armies of them. They are carbon monoxide.

Sweetly, sweetly I breathe in,
Filling my veins with invisibles, with the million

Probable motes that tick the years off my life.
You are silver-suited for the occasion. O adding machine—–

Is it impossible for you to let something go and have it go whole?
Must you stamp each piece purple,

Must you kill what you can?
There is one thing I want today, and only you can give it to me.

It stands at my window, big as the sky.
It breathes from my sheets, the cold dead center

Where split lives congeal and stiffen to history.
Let it not come by the mail, finger by finger.

Let it not come by word of mouth, I should be sixty
By the time the whole of it was delivered, and to numb to use it.

Only let down the veil, the veil, the veil.
If it were death

I would admire the deep gravity of it, its timeless eyes.
I would know you were serious.

There would be a nobility then, there would be a birthday.
And the knife not carve, but enter

Pure and clean as the cry of a baby,
And the universe slide from my side.

I love this song covered by Nirvana, originally written by Lead Belly (Huddie Ledbetter)  his version here Where Did You Sleep Last Night.

Fear

I have been disturbed by my sudden spurts of feeling fatigued and tired. I do know that there are physical factors to this. Such as my diet, I am anemic and I have not had the proper foods that I need in the last week or so because of funds. I have tried to fill my body with iron rich foods, but I have limited foods to choose from, I hope I will be able to get what I need this weekend.

The weather plays into this as well. The fluctuating warm then, cold and warm then, freezing type of weather drains my body and my mind. I cannot get my body to find a balanced temperature and I already have issues with being cold all the time. This can drain my body as well.

Then, there is my environment. I have a lot of energy pulled from me on an hourly basis that has not been replenished. I also, have to keep an active mind and refute mentally any negativity that comes my way. All of this plays into my exhaustion. I understand this, but it still surprises me. I do not know why I cannot remember that all of this affects the body, spirit, and mind.

When this happens, I feel my anxieties start to rise. I have been able to find ways to help with this, but here is what I have now observed, it has spun into fear. I do have valid reasons to feel the emotion of fear, but I should not allow it to spiral into anxiety and then, panic.

I am trying to get a grip on it.

The healing process that I am going through manifests a cycle of emotions on a daily basis; this also contributes to my feeling tired and drained. I understand that this is “normal” in the process and someone shared with me that I am dealing with the shock of reality with many things. Read this: Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Causes and Effects, Symptoms and Treatment

And this Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Causes, Symptoms, Effects, and Treatment (linked to full article):

Regardless of its source, an emotional trauma contains three common elements:

it was unexpected
the person was unprepared
there was nothing the person could do to prevent it from happening

It is not the event that determines whether something is traumatic to someone, but the
individual’s experience of the event. And it is not predictable how a given person will react to a particular event. For someone who is used to being in control of emotions and events, it may be surprising – even embarrassing – to discover that something like an accident or job loss can be so debilitating.

I have talked about trauma on my other blog before; however, once again I am seeing with “new eyes” this time around. My mind has made other shifts that have allowed me to view things with a new perspective, a healthier perspective. Who knows what I will learn the next time around!

My body and mind are responding with many of the affects of emotional shock and then transitioning back to feeling doubtful, then reality setting in. It’s a lot to process.The good thing is that I understand this. I am able to move forward, ride it out, and use healthy coping mechanisms to help myself. It is still hard to remember some days and I still have to work through looming fearful thoughts. When I feel this fear, I always ask myself what am I afraid of? Sometimes I know other times I do not. I have also noticed that the fear can come upon me when someone triggers my self-doubt.

When I start to accomplish many things on my own there is a pattern of words being spoken to me. Such as things like “You cannot understand such and such because you do not know what “healthy” such and such looks like or means” Insert boundaries, relationships, love, communication, acceptance, etc … I know that these words are not true, but they are hard to battle some days. They fill my mind with fear and doubt.

I do know that is not healthy. So what am I doing about this? Well reading of course! As well, as allowing my body to feel the physical and emotional responses with all of this. I am not running or trying to find ways to escape, though my researching could be some form of escape … it still helps me and I do not allow myself to spend tons of time on it anymore.

I read these and thought they had some good information.

How to Handle Fear

10 ways to reduce fear 

How to face a fear and handle a phobia

Are You Addicted to Fear?

Overcoming Fear: The Only Way Out is Through

I am not a fan of saying, “overcoming” because it implies that it will never happen again. Fear will happen again. As well as anxiety. These are normal responses to uncertainty and they are things that tell your body and mind that something is wrong. Anger is not wrong either what makes these things turn into something wrong is how we respond to them. Any of them that become off balance can produce negative outcomes.

I spent many years feeling that I was wrong for feeling these things that I should be “healed” from them. The reality is I have been in constant states of uncertainty, trauma, and stress and until that was discovered, acknowledged, and accepted I was unable to move forward. When I was freed from the deception that I was wrong for feeling those things, and that I have valid reasons for experiencing them then, I found that I started to move into more positive and productive ways of thinking. This is still a life-long process.

Life is unpredictable!

I am overcoming denial, but learning how to process fear along with all my other emotions.

I am on a Fiona Apple music kick today. I am also feeling my inner Boudicca (& A Bit of Philosphy). Ha ha ha

The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere

I have no idea why I remembered that poem tonight. I had a wonderful day. I cannot tell you when the last time I felt like I had a wonderful day. I have felt confident today. I noticed today that my mind is seriously changing. A situation happened that started to fill me with anxiety. I felt unknown fear. I felt afraid and I stopped and asked myself what I was afraid of.

I discovered that I was afraid of someone else’s possible reaction. Then, I thought to myself what can they do to me? If they do anything negative they have much more to lose than I do. I will not be at fault for their response. So I sat there thinking – I have nothing to fear because I am not responsible for their actions or attitudes. I did nothing wrong so why on earth would I feel so frightened?

The fear left and my confidence filled me.

I wanted to finish another post on my other blog tonight, but I haven’t the time. And I am not feeling anxious about that, as I normally do.

I had a great time at my spin class. I have been challenging many of my social anxieties and forcing myself to do them and continue to do them. Such as talking to people I do not know and making phone calls without working myself up before I do it. I have found that it is not so scary. I still need down time, but it is not so scary.

I am remembering things, I am remembering me.

That is why I found it very interesting that the poem The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow popped in my head. It was a poem that I had to memorize in fourth grade. We did not have to memorize the whole thing, but I did anyway. I loved it! I remember being so nervous because we were going to have to say it a loud from memory. I always messed up when reading a loud. My words would stumble and jumble. My tongue would become a giant mass of incapable muscle.

But I was more horrible at memorizing anything and speaking in front of the class.

When I first read the poem I found the story so exciting. I loved how the words flowed. They flew easily from my mouth. I practiced at home every night. When I said my part of the poem it came out perfectly. I felt proud. My enthusiasm was a bit too much for the other kids, but my teacher actually smiled. I remember that. Fourth grade was one of the best school years I ever had, until around the end.

The group of girls who I had connected with and were my first real interactions with friendship ended up not being my friends any longer. I cannot recall everything that happened now, I do know, but I cannot recall it in this moment. However, what I do remember is that awesome day that I got to recite a poem in class that I absolutely enjoyed.

I find it interesting too that I could memorize it because I have such difficulty with memorization. That is how much that poem meant to me. I still remember much of it – not all.  What a delightful memory!

Cool down song from manic spinning class. I dig it.

Tired …

I am rather tired. I feel quiet, but my head is going a thousand miles.

I will rest. Joy all around!

I Found My Breath

“I found my breath” is the phrase that filled my mind today. I am not exactly sure what it means, but what I do know is that today I am one-step closer to feeling more comfortable in myself. I mean, I am starting to recognize a lot more of myself. There was such a huge foggy cloud covering my image and memory that I forgot many things that I enjoy.

I forgot many things that I value and do not value. I forgot how strong I am. I forgot how independent I am. I forgot that I know what it is like to be valued. I forgot that I do know how to love. I forgot many, many things.

Last night while, I was in my cycle class I was reminded how much I enjoy working out. I forgot how athletic I am. I had to stop working out because it interfered with someone’s plans and I was made to feel that it was not important because they do not enjoy any sort of physical activity.

The cycle (spin) class I do is extremely intense. My aunt leads it and she is a beast! She pushes us so much in that hour that it feels like we have just done about three days worth of Insanity Workout. Lol! Actually, I do not know that for sure. I have never done that workout I have only seen glimpses of the infomercial. BUT the spin class is intense. Ok, what I noticed last night is that my self-talk has changed during the workout.

I found myself the last three times being able to stand and climb huge hills that I could not do before. I knew that I was doing much better, but I also had not realized how much I was doing before. I had been spinning at the max speed for weeks, but I did not feel comfortable running, or doing standing climbs. I did not think I could do it. Until three weeks ago, when I said to myself “You are a dancer; there is no reason why you cannot do this.”

A’ha! I remembered that I am a dancer. I have a dancer’s body. My legs are strong, my body is strong. I have danced since I was little, I became serious at the age of five, though I could not pursue the dancing career I wanted to, I never stopped dancing. Last night, I heard myself say, “You can do this you are a dancer!” I realized that the last three weeks instead of feeling weak and unable I remembered that I am capable.

I love to dance and that has been stolen from me. I love to write and that joy has (had) been stolen from me too. There was a comment said to me in a derogatory way about my writing and it caused me to shutdown. I do to love write and I believe it has been my subconscious fighting inside of me to bring myself back.

However, I had lost all joy in my writing a while ago. It was no longer something that brought me joy; it had become something that I had to do in order to survive. It was my way of exposing things that had been hidden. I still use my writing for that. I am sure I will for my entire life. When I write I connect to my emotions and thoughts. It makes me more self-aware.

The truth is it was not stolen from me, I only found it easier to hide away what I am good at because it made my life less complicated. I spoke with several of my family members who helped remind me of other parts that I have kept tucked away. It made a difference being reminded of how strong and capable I am. It made a difference being reminded how powerful my voice is and to use it. I forgot, but today I feel as though I found my breath.

I feel as though I am breathing new air.

I read a blog post the other day, I wish I could remember it, but they said something like, you cannot see clearly, until you have hit complete bottom. It’s when you have reached that point of complete exasperation that you have to choose to either stay at the bottom or make the change. (But do not be naive of how difficult it will be, you must be willing to go through all that it takes to get back up.)

I thought I have hit the bottom several times in the last many years, but for some reason I had not hit that point of demanding myself to change. I am there now because I am a fighter. Despite what has been spoken over me for years. I do not like to fight, it goes against who I am, but I am a fighter for my existence. I do have a fire inside of me to fight for people’s lives. I see the value in others. Now I am fighting to gain my life back.

I realized for the first time that even though I have been bullied, abused, ignored, invalided, then some and what not, I have still accomplished a lot. I have done many things to be proud of – I am excited to what I accomplish having a little bit of self-esteem!

I am breathing!

Here is one of the new songs for our playlist with spin class The Black Eyed Peas - Pump It. I do not usually listen to The Black Eyed Peas, but this song works great for pushing  you during a standing run on a stationary bike. (Her version is like 4 minutes long!) It reminds me of my club days when I danced for hours and hours nonstop. Oh, yeah…

This song popped into my head out of nowhere today Nazareth - Hair of the Dog. I have not heard it in ages, but it is one that I used to sing when my first boyfriend would tick me off. Ha ha ha Maybe that’s why it popped in my head, I am getting my humph back! I have no idea what the song is about, alcohol or something?? I’ll look it up later. (giggle, giggle snort)

6 or 9?

The other day I had a number 6 or 9 on my tomato. Sometimes numbers appear to me in the strangest of ways. Another odd thing about it is that when numbers appear in these quirky ways soon after I have some huge mind shift. Some would believe this to be a spiritual dynamic. Others would deem it coincidence, for me I like to take it all in and just enjoy the moment. I had a six or it could have been a nine too, appear in my dirty dish water back August 2011,  Lessons Through Whatever. Funny, I think I was being reminded of my own words because I seemed to have lost this truth that I wrote about then.

“A major thing that I have learned is that love of self is actually quite important. You need to be able to love who you are in order pour out your love to others.  An ancient teaching that has only manifested in truth for me recently.”

Since, I do enjoy researching spiritual type of things, (special interest, I am an open-skeptic ) and I adore numbers I looked around at some things.

Number 6 - Harmony, beauty, nurturing, love, marriage, family, responsibility, understanding, sympathy, healing, empathic, perfectionist, order, duty, comfort, service.

or was it …

Number 9 - Endings, completion, humanitarian, compassionate, romantic, selfless, generous, philanthropic, loving, wisdom, idealist, artistic, spiritual healer, all allowing, other worldly, blending.

or …

(Quicky) Bible Numerology The Meaning of Numbers in the Bible

Ok, that was my short fun. I read a lot more, but I will not share them. I enjoy reading these things, I always have. I do not really know why, but hey, I don’t really have to have a reason.

I have some pictures of snow that came and went within hours, my tomato, and some paintings that I have been working on. I am not sure I am finished yet, but I took pictures so I’ll share. I like this song it is calming.  Good night!

I’ve Been Quiet, Again

I had not noticed how quiet I have been on my blogs. I seemed to have fallen into a mini-shutdown without realizing it. I was posting quite frequently for a long time. In the last two months, I have not been sharing as much. I have not had the time, or I have been too tired to do so. It is affecting my brain. I have a bunch of jumbled thoughts that need to get out, but I have been unable to collect them in posts that I feel make sense.

They could make sense I am just unsure if they actually do. I wrote a couple of posts for my other blog, but I have not published them. I have been able to write poetry and that is always a good thing for me.

However, I feel stifled in being able to write and share what is going on in me. Some of it is because I cannot express it; I do not know how to articulate my thoughts into sentence structures. I can write out my visuals and blast of emotions through my poetry, but it does not feel satisfying. I have felt the urge to paint again; I started painting today after someone sucked the joy right out of me.

I wish I had the ability to control this. I want to be able to not allow other people’s actions, words, or emotions affect me in such a way, but it was directed toward me. No matter how hard I try, I am still in a fragile state and it upsets me that I can feel deflated by words of another.

I will work through this. I will get there. It is very difficult at the moment though because I have not had contact with my online friends, or my family that I can confide in for about a week. I see this as an opportunity to find my own strength. Bottom line I am the only one who can change my thinking and control how I am affected – it is hard.

Sometimes, I just feel like crying because I wish so much that I had a friend. Just one good friend that I could talk to and hang out with. Oh, well, I don’t so I will focus on changing myself and move forward. I see another positive in that limitations can provoke creativity. I can use my perceived limitations and filter my creativity into something. Who knows what will come of it.

It could be nothing, or it could be a post, poem, a story, a painting, maybe I need to dance??

I am on a “creative” research kick. It won’t last long it is just a spark for the day. It is one of my loops to help get me motivated.

David Lynch: Consciousness, Creativity and the Brain 

The Creative Personality

How Limitations Influence Creativity

Phil Hansen: The art of the imperfect

I shared this next video before, but I like to refresh my memory with things because I can always find something new and fresh from things have read, watched, or listened to before. I am ever progressing in my thoughts and changing so my perspectives will as well.

My mind is still peeling off layers and trying to defend its ground at the same time. It takes a lot of energy. I’ve shared this song before, but it felt like a right song for me tonight.

Words, take her with you
Let her rest in your rhyme
Words, take her away
Somewhere, beyond time

Words, ease her breathing
Lay her softly on the floor
There, let her linger
And listen like ever before

Leave her windows uncovered at night
And fill her room with the city lights
As they illuminate the sky
It reminds her of the people outside
Cause she won’t sleep unless she heals her loneliness

Walk with her beneath the tree tops
Create new paths and memories
Show her, how the sunlight
Glances through the gaps between the leaves

Words, help her change the world
In only one verse
Tell her to reach for the stars
And to always put love first

Leave her windows uncovered at night
And fill her room with the city lights
As they illuminate the sky
It reminds her of the people outside
It reminds her of the people
It reminds her of the people
It reminds her of the people outside

Sometimes …

Sometimes I publish before I think …I still have issues with knowing how much to share and how much not to share. I tend to spew out things especially, when I am overwhelmed with fuzziness and desperately trying to keep my mind on solid ground. I do it to make it real to me, but there are times I really should just sit on what I write and keep it in my drafts – I have issues with realizing the repercussions of how open I can be.

I am still learning to set boundaries with others and myself. I have gotten much better with this, however, I have realized yet another entire jar of boundaries that I did not have set. This requires my mind to catch up, I can be years ahead of myself and not even know it!

I live, I learn, I put back into drafts. Hee hee I am NOT staying quiet, only being more cautious.

Here is what I am up to. According to this first video, I am on the right track! Yay! I have started an emotional journal. I do have to stay on mental task daily otherwise; I can easily slip into the spirals of anxiety. Since, I am not very good at reading other people’s facial expressions I have to rely on my body’s responses and my instincts. My “gut” feelings used to be spot on for the most part, I am honing in on my skills again with a new (renewed) trust in myself. (Also, relying on my trustworthy supporters.)

Mindfulness: How to Call Off the Emotional Attack Dogs

“What I’m going to tell you now, if you don’t do every day, you’ll fall off.  You got to practice it all the time.  It’s like being a concert pianist.  It doesn’t stick unless you practice it.”

Google As Sherlock Holmes’s Filing System

The High Price of Materialism (I was just curious to watch it and thought I would share.)

All right, that is all for tonight. Of course, I am wandering the internet in other research fun. Because it-is-fun!! Weee! Lol! I am tired of writing right now though. I have a poem, story, or something swimming around in my head trying to connect, but I cannot seem to get it out yet. I need to visit my short story blog soon and let the words flow. Soon …

For now, here are some tunes I am listening to. Nighty-night!

Angus and Julia Stone – And The Boys

Angus and Julia Stone – Black Crow [Official Music Video]

The White Stripes - ‘Seven Nation Army’

Stellar Revival – The Crazy Ones (One of the songs in my cycle class, it’s pretty good for spinning. )

Just Feeling Poetry

Busy days for me. I am a little bummed though because I have not been able to catch up on my blog reading. I had hoped to this evening, but nope. Hopefully, tomorrow I will have a little time. It makes me quite jolly to go around reading and seeing what others have to share.

This week is rather full to though so I suppose I must not pressure myself. I have a lot of social activity this week so I may need to get a lot of sleep and have “brain” resting time.

I am very pleased with the “social” progress I have been making lately, and being able to keep my boundaries set. My mind is still clear, but slowly similar circumstances are trickling their way into my psyche.

However, I am staying focused and determined to keep my mind from getting clouded and confused again.

James Fenton is my poet of choice this evening.

This song has been stuck in my head for days. The other song that got stuck inside of my head was Skid Row - Youth Gone Wild. Car radio shuffle pulls up tunes indeed… Whoa, whoa, whoa We are the youth gone wild! Whoa, whoa, whoa We are the youth gone wild! lol!