I Found My Breath

“I found my breath” is the phrase that filled my mind today. I am not exactly sure what it means, but what I do know is that today I am one-step closer to feeling more comfortable in myself. I mean, I am starting to recognize a lot more of myself. There was such a huge foggy cloud covering my image and memory that I forgot many things that I enjoy.

I forgot many things that I value and do not value. I forgot how strong I am. I forgot how independent I am. I forgot that I know what it is like to be valued. I forgot that I do know how to love. I forgot many, many things.

Last night while, I was in my cycle class I was reminded how much I enjoy working out. I forgot how athletic I am. I had to stop working out because it interfered with someone’s plans and I was made to feel that it was not important because they do not enjoy any sort of physical activity.

The cycle (spin) class I do is extremely intense. My aunt leads it and she is a beast! She pushes us so much in that hour that it feels like we have just done about three days worth of Insanity Workout. Lol! Actually, I do not know that for sure. I have never done that workout I have only seen glimpses of the infomercial. BUT the spin class is intense. Ok, what I noticed last night is that my self-talk has changed during the workout.

I found myself the last three times being able to stand and climb huge hills that I could not do before. I knew that I was doing much better, but I also had not realized how much I was doing before. I had been spinning at the max speed for weeks, but I did not feel comfortable running, or doing standing climbs. I did not think I could do it. Until three weeks ago, when I said to myself “You are a dancer; there is no reason why you cannot do this.”

A’ha! I remembered that I am a dancer. I have a dancer’s body. My legs are strong, my body is strong. I have danced since I was little, I became serious at the age of five, though I could not pursue the dancing career I wanted to, I never stopped dancing. Last night, I heard myself say, “You can do this you are a dancer!” I realized that the last three weeks instead of feeling weak and unable I remembered that I am capable.

I love to dance and that has been stolen from me. I love to write and that joy has (had) been stolen from me too. There was a comment said to me in a derogatory way about my writing and it caused me to shutdown. I do to love write and I believe it has been my subconscious fighting inside of me to bring myself back.

However, I had lost all joy in my writing a while ago. It was no longer something that brought me joy; it had become something that I had to do in order to survive. It was my way of exposing things that had been hidden. I still use my writing for that. I am sure I will for my entire life. When I write I connect to my emotions and thoughts. It makes me more self-aware.

The truth is it was not stolen from me, I only found it easier to hide away what I am good at because it made my life less complicated. I spoke with several of my family members who helped remind me of other parts that I have kept tucked away. It made a difference being reminded of how strong and capable I am. It made a difference being reminded how powerful my voice is and to use it. I forgot, but today I feel as though I found my breath.

I feel as though I am breathing new air.

I read a blog post the other day, I wish I could remember it, but they said something like, you cannot see clearly, until you have hit complete bottom. It’s when you have reached that point of complete exasperation that you have to choose to either stay at the bottom or make the change. (But do not be naive of how difficult it will be, you must be willing to go through all that it takes to get back up.)

I thought I have hit the bottom several times in the last many years, but for some reason I had not hit that point of demanding myself to change. I am there now because I am a fighter. Despite what has been spoken over me for years. I do not like to fight, it goes against who I am, but I am a fighter for my existence. I do have a fire inside of me to fight for people’s lives. I see the value in others. Now I am fighting to gain my life back.

I realized for the first time that even though I have been bullied, abused, ignored, invalided, then some and what not, I have still accomplished a lot. I have done many things to be proud of – I am excited to what I accomplish having a little bit of self-esteem!

I am breathing!

Here is one of the new songs for our playlist with spin class The Black Eyed Peas - Pump It. I do not usually listen to The Black Eyed Peas, but this song works great for pushing  you during a standing run on a stationary bike. (Her version is like 4 minutes long!) It reminds me of my club days when I danced for hours and hours nonstop. Oh, yeah…

This song popped into my head out of nowhere today Nazareth - Hair of the Dog. I have not heard it in ages, but it is one that I used to sing when my first boyfriend would tick me off. Ha ha ha Maybe that’s why it popped in my head, I am getting my humph back! I have no idea what the song is about, alcohol or something?? I’ll look it up later. (giggle, giggle snort)

Epiphany

This week has been quite an emotional challenge for me. I was unaware of this until today when I was overcome with tears, realizing that once again, I have blatantly been rejected by certain family members. For most of my life I assumed that somehow I was at fault.

However, I had people get angry when I shared with them what had happened. In my confusion, I assumed they were angry at me not at how the people were treating me. This morning, I finally understood this. I finally, got all of the times that frustration and anger were expressed.

It was not because I did something wrong, it was because I was spending so much of my energy on people who clearly did not spend that much energy on me. As a matter-of-fact, they have not given much thought at all.

That brings me to the root of the issue, I did not want to accept that they did not think of me. It felt far worse to accept that they cared so little of my existence than, to believe that they were purposely hurting me.

No, they never gave a damn. I take that back, they did and have when it served their purpose, but other than that I am just a blip in their world. I am a nuisance of things they want to forget and escape from – I am a constant reminder of something, but I cannot give true clarity to what without them being honest with me.

And they never will, no matter how many times I ask. Yes, I have asked. I have been bold enough to say it, watching their eyes squirm and leave me into far off places. I have forced them to look at me and tell me what they have done is wrong and that I never deserved it. I have. They twisted my words, tried to contort my memories, and they denied all of their actions with untruths manipulated through guilt and fear.

They could not face their guilt or fear. It is far to easy to believe that you are a good person then, to do the work that it takes to realize how much you need to change. One could be a good person to others, but treat another with complete contempt. Hm…

I do not deserve to be treated as if my existence is burdensome. I do deserve for people who have wronged me to step up and admit it, but I know it will not happen. The only that can happen is if a person is willing to face themselves. I am tired of ripping myself apart and taking the blame for other people.

I am working through this stuff. I am taking a deep breath, feeling the pain, and accepting the collapse of relationships that I thought existed. I will eventually learn not to be engulfed with the pain of rejection.

On another note … I am chipper. I feel quite good about this epiphany it will help me to heal and also, rightfully place any emotions of anger. Anger is poison it is fueled by hurt, my hurt is from unrealistic expectations. Not because they are idealistic or grandiose, nope, because these people are incapable of even giving me the tiniest bit of validation or respect. So I free them and I free myself.

Just because Carl Jung – Synchronicity

Not sure why, but old school Garbage is floating through my veins. Been a long time.

1998 Flashback!

This morning, I did not feel like getting on my computer so I decided to turn on the TV just to see what was on. I flipped and found nothing, but then I landed on a movie that I did not know, at least for a moment.

It had Meg Ryan in a bookstore, I was captured by the bookstore and decided to click info to see what it was – “You’ve Got Mail.” (insert eye roll) Back when this movie came out I had no desire to see it and up to this day I had not either. Anything with “romantic comedy” in can will usually send me running, but when I saw Tom Hanks, I decided to have a watch and see what all the hoop-la was about. Movie Trailer.

I watched the movie, gagged, snorted, got a little teary-eyed, scoffed at myself, and then, felt happy for the characters at the end of the movie. I concluded that I do not like romantic comedies because they are not real. They are only dangling carrots for our brains to wish upon some star that will never reach us.

It is not real life. They skip all the hard parts. They skip all the horrible heartache you go through when the fantasy is over. They trick, tease, push the button of endorphins and make you desire some ideal thing that does not exist.

Or does it? I am not the person to ask. I know nothing and manage to live on the balance of believing and disbelieving at the same time. OH! How I want to believe. OH! How I want to feel, experience  live such lovely wonderful treasures of love that so many people claim to feel while saying, “I married my best friend!”

Or, “He/She is the love of my life! There is no other ever in existence who could satisfy such desires and perfection in the gaping heart of mine!”

My heart, yes, it desires such things. I believe many hearts do. I do not think many actually get to experience the wholeness of this desire. But what do I know, I fail miserably at relationships and I am busily trying to heal what feels like my broken parts (I am far from broken.) so I can know how to love myself.

I was struck with emotion after I had finished watching the movie. It had too many parallels in my own life. It caused me to experience the characters emotions, even if I thought parts were cheesy. I am not that hardhearted. I then, realized that to some people emails mean substantially less than they do to me…

There are times, like today, when I force myself to watch such flicks to see what other people like about them. I think I get it. It is kind of like romance novels, though they would do nothing for me, they do bring great pleasure to a large amount of people. I have not understood this, but I find great pleasures in other things and I can appreciate their enjoyment of books or movies that bring them happiness.

It does not bring me happiness. In a way it makes me very sad because I do not like to enjoy things that I know will only bring me a moment of pleasure. I would assume never to see it again. Just go! Stop teasing me happiness, pleasures, waking desires just leave! I would rather be a dull statue than to feel.

Ah, that is not true either. It is only my protective coating trying to keep me safe and sound so I will not feel heartache anymore. My life, is complicated. I am very thankful that I am in a position for the first time in my life where I get to sort out what I want. I have never had that.

So I am dreaming…

I have no idea what I will dream up next, but today I appreciate my loneliness in a strange, painful yet, more understanding way. I have no idea how to explain what I am feeling. It looks red. Maybe something like this?

1998 Songs.

This one is from City of Angels’ soundtrack, I did watch that movie and found the story line interesting, but I think the analytical part of my mind took over.

It’s Been A Year!

Holy Smokes! I did not realize that I have had this blog for a year now. My first post was actually, on Jan. 16th 2012. I read through some of my January posts, and concluded that I wanted to share one for this post in celebration.

I have been busy working on my third poetry book. Hint, it is packed full of feelings of love and adoration with twistings of how our minds can play with us drizzling happy chemicals into our brain waves trying to satisfy deep desires.

I could say they are love poems, but they are much more than that – to me anyway. So what better post to share than one that talks about my fascination with Eros and Psyche.

Unfortunately, I cannot get the picture gallery to work so all of the pictures are sitting in the middle of this post. If you click on the title of the post you can see the gallery, I mention this because I really enjoy watching the pictures flow in moving gallery form.

Ok, I must be off and write another post, work on some poetry, and listen to some fine tunes. Oh, and I have been working on my facebook page, feel free to go and click “like.” I am working on sharing and interacting more on it. Mind Retrofit Happy, happy joy, joy! You can see my smiling face on it too. Hee hee

Hm… I believe I have stopped talking about my obsession with double numbers. (I like triple numbers too.) I love to see double numbers and when I see them they always make me smile. Today happened to be filled with many encounters with double numbers, that usually happens to me when good things are falling into place for me.

I feel connected and happy when this happens. I feel that way right now. La la la Here is the post.

Fascinated With Eros and Psyche

I get obsessive with mythology at times. I am in a current obsessive state. I will usually take one at time and dissect it in my mind, then research the history about the myth, and locate images of art as well. I also seek out music that is inspired by the tales. I enjoy finding new interpretations through art and looking at the images from the past up to now. It is my entertainment.  My last obsession was Echo and Narcissus.

I have read many of the Greek and Roman myths, but there was a season when I stopped. They are new and fresh to me again, and even better because I have so many more resources that I did not have before. Tweeky!!

http://www.mithraeum.eu/monumenta/eros_y_psyche

http://www.teresaneptune.com/gallery2.html

art.com (Cupid and Psyche, 1889 William Bougeureau)

http://blackeri.deviantart.com/art/Eros-Psyche-9709929

Psyche Revived by Cupid’s Kiss (Louvre) (1797)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupid_and_Psyche

I listened to these while watching the images. BUT I did find some music from the ballet Cupid and Psyche 1938.

I found this Berners: Sirenes (Les) / Cupid and Psyche (Miriam Blennerhasset, David Lloyd-Jones & RTE Sinfonietta) on iTunes you can preview the album.

Lord Berners

Many more images and several of the images I have are at this site.
Images of Cupid and Psyche

Cupid and Psyche  This one comes from one of my favorite sites Internet Sacred Text Archive.

Here is their about page Internet Sacred Text Archive.

I know, I know a lot of links I cannot help myself. I think I am addicted. I have several poems stirring.  The clock says 2:44pm Sweet!

Feeling Dapper

(Warning: Rant) 

I just wanted to use the word dapper.  I am starting to feel back to my (un)normal-self today. Thankfully, because it was really getting to me; my head is having some strange pains though. They are very sharp, quick, and painful. It could be stress, start of migraines, or nothing at all. Who knows? I have been resting though because I REALLY do not want to deal with that.

I need to get myself focused again, but my loops have been distracting me. I am taking control of them, but still it is hard to wrestle with your mind, well, my mind anyway. I have so many things I want to accomplish this week and this coming weekend.

BUT, my mind keeps wandering into self-image issues. So many people have been making negative comments about their appearance lately on my personal facebook page.

To that I say, “Well played advertisers! You have succeeded at making people, mainly women, feel inadequate and ugly unless they are skinny, with a partner, have a bunch of meaningless relationships, are sexually promiscuous, or lack any intelligence, unless of course, it is used to manipulate and control people in order to get some chocolate or new shoes.”

OK! Maybe my run-on sentence was too much of a generalized rant, but it’s out there.

I watched this today and thought it was very insightful.

I am so disconnected from my body because of the way my brain is connected and how it processes. I have struggled with anorexia, dysmorphia, and being surrounded by women who have NEVER said anything good about their image, come to think I have never experienced a male in my life that has a healthy self-image either. I have both men and women in my family who struggle with their image.

And this pisses me off! It makes me angry that today, I realized that no matter what I look like, what they look like, they will constantly pick apart and compare. I hate thinking about it. I do not want to be force fed self-image issues at every nook and cranny of my environment, but it is not going away. It has always been here and it will forever be here.

It can be here, but I do need to waste time worrying about it. I will keep on doing what I do. If people start to self-deprecate, well they will get an ear full of my statistics and, “Stop worrying about that stuff!” Good grief! Go feed your mind and stop worrying about what you look like.

Find peace in yourself.

I plan to grow old embracing my wrinkles, laugh lines, my nose and ears growing, and maybe a bit of skin flab. I’ve earned them!  You can’t fight the aging process we are all decaying, why be insecure about that? What a waste of time and energy. Although, it does make some people very rich with all of their youthful promises.

Don’t get me wrong in this fine rant of mine. I think we should take care of our bodies and try to be as healthy as we can be. That gives us a better quality of life, being obsessive or finding our worth solely based on outward appearance does not.

Do I use a bit of Olay? Why yes, I like my skin to look shiny and springy, it makes my skin feel good, but that is part of staying healthy too. Taking care of your skin, eating good foods, but not depriving yourself of some indulgence once or twice, maybe ten times a month! Ha ha ha Getting exercise is good for the body and the brain.

My rant is focused on the obsessiveness of our society with social “norms” and unrealistic ideals of women. (Closely following men and children.) I am sick of ideals, let’s be real!

Alright, I am done. Sorry you all got an ear full; I just had to get that out. I am tired of people making me feel like something is wrong with me because I do not obsess over how I look, or spend hours working out, or that I do not sit around picking myself apart. I have too many other things to do AND I spent enough wasted years doing that, thank you very much. I am done. I got good forty or more years in me I am going to spend them on what I want to.

I watched this too. Write your story, change history – Brad Meltzer

Heard this song today, good one.

Thought jump. How’s about some Arctic Monkeys? R U Mine?

Fatigue-Panic!

Wowsers! I have not been able to do anything all day. I have several posts and stories rippling through my head, but I cannot get them out. I wanted to get some things done around the house, but NO, my body was unwilling to move anymore than regular tasks of the day.

I am not sure why I feel so fatigued. It could be the aftermath of anxiety, stress, and overexertion – I never know how much I am actually doing throughout the day.

So I wrote that part yesterday, I was unable to finish because I got too tired and filled with body aches. Possibly the drastic weather changes along with everything else? I don’t know.

BUT today I have more energy… problem is, my mind went into overdrive with anxiety. I went from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. No kidding. I have been looping again about a past situation because I am working on a post about anxiety, fear, and stress. Whenever I write about that it always stirs up my anxiety. I am writing about things that cause me anxiety. BLAH! I need to in order to help the anxiety, but it can also have this effect if I am already feeling off.

Feeling physically off has caused the anxiety to increase. I managed to convince myself that a person I care about never, ever, wants to have anything to do with me again. In the state of irrational panic I turned one of my posts into private without thinking.

After I calmed from my panic state, I realized that it seemed rather silly to do such a thing and went back to turn it to public. ONLY to discover that it now went to people that have subscribed to my blog. Ahhhhhh!! I then, panicked because I felt vulnerable. It was ok when I felt that it was safely hidden behind several years of other posts, but to have it out there today? Well, that was too much.

Given my state of anxiety, which can so easily thrust itself into panic today, I will leave the post private until I feel safe again. AND this my friends is the wonderful, jolly, adventures you get to experience with an anxiety disorder.

Sigh… deep breath, calming the mind, breathing slowly.

Onto other thoughts.

Let me just tell you that I break all of the rules for body language. Everyone reads me wrong. As a matter-of-fact this morning I had my body completely turned away from the person talking to me, I was hunched over, cradling my arms, and looking out the window. The person got slightly irritated with me and asked, “Are you even listening to me?”

Of course, I was! I told them so. I was processing all that they had to say. What we were talking about filled my head with visuals and ideas that I need to implement in order to make a plan successful. I had to drift into the minds of children and seek their motivators in order to process because the whole system that needs to happen is for children.

I could not listen to the person and process all of the many visuals, ideas, and many resources I read while looking at the person too. I needed to watch the rain drops fall on the ground. I needed to be absorbed in how the light glistened off the puddles. I needed to be caught up in the wind as it blew passed the bushes. Those things helped me stay focused.

I also needed my body curled up and hunched over to feel like a turtle in a protective shell. It felt like words were flying at me left and right. It felt like an assault of information pummeling me in every direction. I could not handle it. In my mind, the respectful thing to do was turn away and be an active listener instead of shutting down and going into protective mode.

We are all different. However, I find the information in this TED video to be helpful in order to engage with others and remind myself how I respond or express myself could give off the wrong impression to others. That can remind me that we could be miscommunicating and that we could be “reading” each other wrong. Instead of internalizing that information, I can ask!

I am certain, I can learn this – I am not so certain I can change ALL of my behaviors to appease the masses.  I will study this video, among other resources.

Sigh…

For several weeks, there have been a mass of information regarding that-soul-mate-connection, or “the one” type of stuff popping around the blogosphere. I like to tell myself that it is all fantasy and just the wild imaginations of people. However, I fall heavily into those imaginations because well; they feel so good and right. OK! So I play along with my brain and heart and allow myself to feel pleasures I had tucked away so many years ago, gave to only one, and have no ability to pull them away from that long lost deary of mine.

Makes for great writing and wonderful heartbreaking emotions. I think that may be what it is all about having that kindred spirit that is always just out of reach so that creativity overflows and fills the earth and our lives with some sort of hope. Really, I am just babbling and being silly.

It is true the questions, articles, and videos have been passed around in the internet circles that I frequent which, inevitably gets my mind wandering and yearning. Egad! The yearning! Ha ha ha So I was off reading some blogs tonight and I got to Benjamin at Expressions of my life – An evolution of art. He is a great artist and though he does not think of himself as a poet, he surely pours out some beautiful pieces.

In one of them, he wrote about the type of instant connection that has the feel of a soul mate so to speak. They were beautiful words, you should pop over and have a read as well as look at his art. Fabulous! The poem resonated with me deeply, but it really struck me when I saw the song he shared. The person who captured my heart so long ago probably does not even remember, but he shared that song with me.

I remember the first time I heard it. One of the lyrics says, “Feels like lightning running through my veins” that is exactly what it felt like when I listened to the song and looked at the person across from me. It was a painful delight that can only be felt once. It was too new, too fabulous, too lovely, too scary, too everything and full of wonderment and excitement. It is one trigger that I am willing to feel heartbreak just to relive all the pleasure that comes with it.

I do not know if that makes any sense, but I share this for all of those people who have ever had that “one-time” moment of something that changed your world so intensely it could never be recreated.

Sigh… of glimmering jollity and to happy memories that can never be taken away.

To the year I felt something new, amazing, and so, so good. “Won’t ever have to say goodbye”

Had to add this version. Poit!

Well Hello

Oh, a lovely new sound for me. I was not really a fan of this original song, but this version has a nice, eerie, sensual feel that I like.

I am overwhelmed by several things today. My body and mind feel accosted by too many sensory and emotional touches. I had to go to three different stores and that is never fun for me, but all of the holiday excitement and rush was too much. It’s like I am an empath who just soaked in the emotion of every person in this town. My head hears laughter, cries, angers, disappointment, frustrations, joy, love, etc… all swimming and consuming my innards.

It’s too much to bear or feel and I wish my filters were working properly, but they are not. However, I am feeling lighthearted and at ease. I suppose that is good.

I have been up to some things I will share.

Stefana Broadbent: How the Internet enables intimacy

Why the World Doesn’t End – Tales of Renewal in Times of Loss

Ron Eglash: The fractals at the heart of African designs

TEDxGrandRapids – Layli Miller-Muro – Innovate: Justice

Dancing in the Flames: Marion Woodman (Interesting documentary)

In search of the Brontes Part 1 – 1/6

Self-Interrogation by Emily Bronte

The evening passes fast away,
‘Tis almost time to rest;
What thoughts has left the vanished day,
What feelings, in thy breast?

“The vanished day? It leaves a sense
Of labour hardly done;
Of little, gained with vast expense, -
A sense of grief alone!

“Time stands before the door of Death,
Upbraiding bitterly;
And Conscience, with exhaustless breath,
Pours black reproach on me:

“And though I’ve said that Conscience lies,
And Time should Fate condemn;
Still, sad Repentance clouds my eyes,
And makes me yield to them!

“Then art thou glad to seek repose?
Art glad to leave the sea,
And anchor all thy weary woes
In calm Eternity?

“Nothing regrets to see thee go -
Not one voice sobs “farewell,”
And where thy heart has suffered so,
Canst thou desire to dwell?”

“Alas! The countless links are strong
That bind us to our clay;
The loving spirit lingers long,
And would not pass away!

“And rest is sweet, when laurelled fame
Will crown the soldier’s crest;
But, a brave heart, with a tarnished name,
Would rather fight than rest.”

“Well, thou hast fought for many a year,
Hast fought thy whole life through,
Hast humbled Falsehood, trampled Fear;
What is there left to do?”

“‘Tis true, this arm has hotly striven,
Has dared what few would dare;
Much have I done, and freely given,
But little learnt to bear!”

“Look on the grave, where thou must sleep,
Thy last, and strongest foe;
It is endurance not to weep,
If that repose seem woe.

“The long war closing in defeat,
Defeat serenely borne,
Thy midnight rest may still be sweet,
And break in glorious morn!”

Catfish

I do not normally frequent channels such as MTV any longer. Let’s just say, it is not what it was when I was growing up. I do not watch much TV anyway unless it is a specific connection to my current fixations… well and past fixations or if I want to relax and try to get my brain to stop connecting, fixating, spinning, spiraling what have you. However, that usually does not happen and anytime I watch something it ends up sparking some thought that sends me into a trail of googling obsessions.

Anyway, one of my pass times when I have the TV on is flipping through the channel. It drives people batty. It always has, but I confess I like stopping for a moment, popping to the next channel, sitting on the menu scroll for a while, popping onto another channel. Click, click, click… why? I do not know, but I have always done it even when all I had was a little black-and-white TV with a turn knob. Yes, I would click through all three or four channels. I rather liked the clicking sound, I can hear it now. Click-fuzz-buzz-whisper-whisper-poltergeist-click

So sometime last week I was sitting in my living room having some quiet time, wanting to be enthralled in a book, but my mind could not focus. I started clicking through the channels and was caught by the title “Catfish.” The reason being that I was brought up around catfish. I was considered a “River Rat.” I was a child who loved the river. I went with grandparents as often as I could to their river camp. Interestingly, I hate eating fish. I do like fish though. I just do not like eating them.

The river camp always had the smell of catfish cooking. I hated it! However, I found the fish fascinating. I thought catfish were a grand fish to observe and feel. They were slimy and smooth. I just remember them always looking gray. Those memories were the ones that caused me to pause on the channel. After I paused, I became even more interested. You must go have a read or watch the trailer about this particular film. Especially, if you have had an online romance good or bad. I will tell you it triggered my already paranoid mind and sent me spiraling into many doubts and worries.

I am fairly cautious, but I am quite capable of being extremely gullible and I feel I may have fallen for a trick or two. I really do not know. The thought makes me feel sick because I have had people trick me so much in real life. If I were one of these people who were deceived in an online relationship like this… I have no words. I just feel awful for them.

Here is the trailer.

While there is speculation that the film is fake, I think that it really does not matter if it is or not. The bigger picture here is that it is possible and people fall for online “fake” romance or friendship all the time. People get taken advantage of everyday and now there is even more available outlets to do so. I find this confusing, mean, and so, so wrong. I cannot fathom doing that to a person. Whether they do it for emotional needs, financial gain, or to boost their ego, whatever the reason all of it just seems wrong.

I have been suspicious of online dating, facebook, my space, etc… But I am prone to being paranoid about such things. My mom tried e-harmony looking for companionship because she does not do that well with female friendships. I was able to witness the process and it made me all kinds of nervous. She did meet someone, but he wanted more than what she wanted and eventually she had to hurt him. It was an interesting process, but she will never do that again.

The online dating places seem to be everywhere and there are all kinds for anyone’s interest. I would think that might be a little better than connecting with a facebook person. Although, anyone can pretend to be anyone they want to be. The thing that intrigues me is why.

Why do people live these multiple lives? Why do they deceive and create wonderful tales and allow another person to fall in love with them? I mean, it seems inevitable that if you become “everything” that the person is looking for then, they will fall in mad passionate love. Then, there is the element of responsibility of the person “falling.” Why are they so quick to fall for a person that they barely know? Why do they believe every detail or not question the “lack” of detail from the other person?

Many of us want to believe in love. Many of us in the hidden particles of our being believe that there is a “one.” This could be the driving force. That makes me wonder why we want to believe in this thing called “love.” I wonder if it has more to do with us feeling so disconnected from ourselves that we are looking for that other half to help us feel whole. Really, I know nothing. I am the least of any who can speak about things dealing with romantic love and such. It hurts me to even think of it now.

My heart has been broken – that is all I know of love. It quite possibly will be all I ever know of that type of love. So be it. This does not stop me from desiring it for others. When I watched Catfish TV Show the other night, I truly wished for her benefit that it were true.

I knew that it wasn’t. I still kept hoping. It was clear that it was bad news from the get go. I am not sure if I will continue to watch the show. It was more of a psychological experiment on my part. I have my reasons and my mind meanderings that led me to want to watch it. I do not feel that it was good or bad. I did think that it was shown in a positive light how people can recover from such trauma and to see, at least, why one person chose to deceive another person in such a way. I think it can be a good resource to get people “thinking” about who and what they are sharing with this “unknown” entity on the internet.

It should also raise the question, “Why wouldn’t I want to check this person out?” What are the motives behind not wanting to seek the truth about the person behind the internet face?”

I choose to look at the positive aspects of the show and use it as a reminder to be cautious on the internet trails. Not paranoid.

I did find a new tune from the show that I REALLY like. (And Jack & The Bear – Riddles In The Dark from the same band.) They have a similar sound to Mumford & Sons in some ways, so no surprise that I would like them. I will leave with that. Wow! I did not intend to write such a long post! See ya!

Extraneous (Short Rant)

I think that is the word that describes how I feel today – extraneous. Some days I feel as though I am irrelevant. Irrelevancy to anyone or any particular thing. It is not an issue of feeling important to someone or needing to feel valued, it is more of a matter-of-fact thinking that it does not matter if I am here or not. Whether in space or time or through the invisible online forces that I am connected to.

I do not think that I am the only one who goes through these thoughts. However, I must admit I do not like them. They make me feel like crud. I wish they would vanish as quickly as they came. I do believe that my family interactions yesterday may have triggered these thoughts. I feel as though I live a double life with them. They have no interest in who I am nor do they take pleasure in the things I take pleasure in. Upon my meandering thoughts today, I realized that every time I get around them or see them interact with each other it makes me feel like such a foreigner.

I have thought this before, but it has seemed to come into full fruition in my mind. And I confess I do not like being the outcast all the time. I do not like being an outsider with my own genetic pool or what seems like, with the majority of the human race. There are days like these when I wish I knew what the hell was going on around me. I wish I understood the looks, the cues, and the words that people are saying to me. I wish I understood how people felt about me and that it would stick. I wish that I would not go into a spiral of confusion based on a single action or a single email interaction.

I wish my brain could make sense of what people mean. It is such a painful experience to live in a foreign land when the foreigners think that you look, think, and talk just like them. Then, again, if I were to be like them I may lose the way I see the world. I confess that some days my world is so rock awesome that I would not trade it for anything. I am not sure they balance out the ones where I hate feeling so isolated though. However, they are worth it to have them and write what comes pouring out of my veins.

I do appreciate those who read my feeble thoughts and enjoy them. I suppose I need to take a deep breath and accept a little bit more of me today. It feels so daunting at times and so lonely, sigh… woe is me and the tears fell.

Maybe some good writing will come out of all of this. I have this poem stuck in my head today.