“I found my breath” is the phrase that filled my mind today. I am not exactly sure what it means, but what I do know is that today I am one-step closer to feeling more comfortable in myself. I mean, I am starting to recognize a lot more of myself. There was such a huge foggy cloud covering my image and memory that I forgot many things that I enjoy.
I forgot many things that I value and do not value. I forgot how strong I am. I forgot how independent I am. I forgot that I know what it is like to be valued. I forgot that I do know how to love. I forgot many, many things.
Last night while, I was in my cycle class I was reminded how much I enjoy working out. I forgot how athletic I am. I had to stop working out because it interfered with someone’s plans and I was made to feel that it was not important because they do not enjoy any sort of physical activity.
The cycle (spin) class I do is extremely intense. My aunt leads it and she is a beast! She pushes us so much in that hour that it feels like we have just done about three days worth of Insanity Workout. Lol! Actually, I do not know that for sure. I have never done that workout I have only seen glimpses of the infomercial. BUT the spin class is intense. Ok, what I noticed last night is that my self-talk has changed during the workout.
I found myself the last three times being able to stand and climb huge hills that I could not do before. I knew that I was doing much better, but I also had not realized how much I was doing before. I had been spinning at the max speed for weeks, but I did not feel comfortable running, or doing standing climbs. I did not think I could do it. Until three weeks ago, when I said to myself “You are a dancer; there is no reason why you cannot do this.”
A’ha! I remembered that I am a dancer. I have a dancer’s body. My legs are strong, my body is strong. I have danced since I was little, I became serious at the age of five, though I could not pursue the dancing career I wanted to, I never stopped dancing. Last night, I heard myself say, “You can do this you are a dancer!” I realized that the last three weeks instead of feeling weak and unable I remembered that I am capable.
I love to dance and that has been stolen from me. I love to write and that joy has (had) been stolen from me too. There was a comment said to me in a derogatory way about my writing and it caused me to shutdown. I do to love write and I believe it has been my subconscious fighting inside of me to bring myself back.
However, I had lost all joy in my writing a while ago. It was no longer something that brought me joy; it had become something that I had to do in order to survive. It was my way of exposing things that had been hidden. I still use my writing for that. I am sure I will for my entire life. When I write I connect to my emotions and thoughts. It makes me more self-aware.
The truth is it was not stolen from me, I only found it easier to hide away what I am good at because it made my life less complicated. I spoke with several of my family members who helped remind me of other parts that I have kept tucked away. It made a difference being reminded of how strong and capable I am. It made a difference being reminded how powerful my voice is and to use it. I forgot, but today I feel as though I found my breath.
I feel as though I am breathing new air.
I read a blog post the other day, I wish I could remember it, but they said something like, you cannot see clearly, until you have hit complete bottom. It’s when you have reached that point of complete exasperation that you have to choose to either stay at the bottom or make the change. (But do not be naive of how difficult it will be, you must be willing to go through all that it takes to get back up.)
I thought I have hit the bottom several times in the last many years, but for some reason I had not hit that point of demanding myself to change. I am there now because I am a fighter. Despite what has been spoken over me for years. I do not like to fight, it goes against who I am, but I am a fighter for my existence. I do have a fire inside of me to fight for people’s lives. I see the value in others. Now I am fighting to gain my life back.
I realized for the first time that even though I have been bullied, abused, ignored, invalided, then some and what not, I have still accomplished a lot. I have done many things to be proud of – I am excited to what I accomplish having a little bit of self-esteem!
I am breathing!
Here is one of the new songs for our playlist with spin class The Black Eyed Peas - Pump It. I do not usually listen to The Black Eyed Peas, but this song works great for pushing you during a standing run on a stationary bike. (Her version is like 4 minutes long!) It reminds me of my club days when I danced for hours and hours nonstop. Oh, yeah…
This song popped into my head out of nowhere today Nazareth - Hair of the Dog. I have not heard it in ages, but it is one that I used to sing when my first boyfriend would tick me off. Ha ha ha Maybe that’s why it popped in my head, I am getting my humph back! I have no idea what the song is about, alcohol or something?? I’ll look it up later. (giggle, giggle snort)