Holy Smokes! I did not realize that I have had this blog for a year now. My first post was actually, on Jan. 16th 2012. I read through some of my January posts, and concluded that I wanted to share one for this post in celebration.
I have been busy working on my third poetry book. Hint, it is packed full of feelings of love and adoration with twistings of how our minds can play with us drizzling happy chemicals into our brain waves trying to satisfy deep desires.
I could say they are love poems, but they are much more than that – to me anyway. So what better post to share than one that talks about my fascination with Eros and Psyche.
Unfortunately, I cannot get the picture gallery to work so all of the pictures are sitting in the middle of this post. If you click on the title of the post you can see the gallery, I mention this because I really enjoy watching the pictures flow in moving gallery form.
Ok, I must be off and write another post, work on some poetry, and listen to some fine tunes. Oh, and I have been working on my facebook page, feel free to go and click “like.” I am working on sharing and interacting more on it. Mind Retrofit Happy, happy joy, joy! You can see my smiling face on it too. Hee hee
Hm… I believe I have stopped talking about my obsession with double numbers. (I like triple numbers too.) I love to see double numbers and when I see them they always make me smile. Today happened to be filled with many encounters with double numbers, that usually happens to me when good things are falling into place for me.
I feel connected and happy when this happens. I feel that way right now. La la la Here is the post.
I get obsessive with mythology at times. I am in a current obsessive state. I will usually take one at time and dissect it in my mind, then research the history about the myth, and locate images of art as well. I also seek out music that is inspired by the tales. I enjoy finding new interpretations through art and looking at the images from the past up to now. It is my entertainment. My last obsession was Echo and Narcissus.
I have read many of the Greek and Roman myths, but there was a season when I stopped. They are new and fresh to me again, and even better because I have so many more resources that I did not have before. Tweeky!!
Ha ha I just saw a clip of Fight Club.(iTunes, not youtube – own it) I cannot find it, but the narrator’s boss asks if he can get an icon in cornflower blue.(“Can I get the icon in cornflower blue?”~Boss) I guess you had to be here with me… or maybe I should not share the tidbits of things I find amusing while sitting alone at my computer? Ha!
“And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.” ~ Narrator
I am currently reading Survivor (1999) by Chuck Palahniuk. Such a strange and wonderful type person. I do find some of his writings rather disturbing, but that is what is so fabulous about it. It forces my mind to step out for a walk into places I was a little afraid to venture into.
So, I went to their site about the puzzles and then, their blog, and was consumed in braininess happiness. Love, love, love
This is a complete babble post to clear my mind because, guess what? I finished the first two poetry books in my series last night! Book cover and all. I hope to publish them today and have them up by tomorrow sometime. There are six in there series. I will write more about them on my poetry blog when I am ready. Very excited and happy that I completed what I set out to.
The other four are all set up I only need to edit and create book covers for them. I want to take them a little slower because they have several new poems and ones that I have not shared. I need to comb over them some more.
I wanted to cherish this moment and try to keep my momentum going by doing a quick mind dump.
I played outside for a while yesterday too. I was freezing, but hey, snow is fun! I froze my tushy and then, piled a bunch of clothes on to warm up. It’s all good. Pictures?
I have shared several posts about my dreams. I found interesting tidbits regarding owls and dream interpretation. However, I had another dream last night about an owl. It was the strangest thing though, he went to sleep. I will share the dream in a moment. I never give up a chance to talk about how much I love owls.
I love those creatures. I have four animals that I have a deep affinity for, owls, ravens (crows), wolves, and cats. I feel a kinship in a way with them. Lately, I have also had images of wolves soar through my mind. I have a special connection with wolves and a particular dream I had when I was in my twenties.
I shared about it on one of my other blogs titled “Dreams.”
Let me just say, my dreams are normally a definite sign that I am processing and connecting. The dreams stir a whole bunch of stuff up in my subconscious and start to uncover things that I have kept hidden from myself. I hope that I will find this time around many things becoming settled and peace of mind.
My dream from last night.
I was asleep in my bed, as I awoke I noticed that my bed was outside under a massive tree. It felt as if it were around midnight, I looked up and saw a shadow then, it manifested into my dad. He was talking to me about all of the things that he needed to do, and shared some information about people in our lives. As he was talking, a huge bird came walking up – the creature came straight for me.
At first, I could not tell if it was a red-tailed hawk, or an owl. Finally, I could see it and it was a magnificent owl. Its eyes were golden and bright, they pierced into my spirit. My dad continued to talk, not noticing the owl. His wings were rich with color and when it turned to its side it had a few feathers hidden into it that looked like a shimmery turquoise/darkish green color.
He looked at me for a moment then, hopped into my bed. He laid down upon my pillow, and covered himself up with my blankets. He went straight to sleep. I looked at my dad who was still talking, I could not understand what he was saying, and he was unmoved by the whole owl situation. I was excited and wanted to get a picture of him. I do not recall what happened for a few minutes.
I wanted to get a picture of the owl and did not want to wake him – I was so afraid that he was going leave. I ended up finding a camera, but it was my old one that was broken. I asked someone to go get my other camera. I am not sure it may have been my cat that I asked. (Dreams are funny.) Somehow I got the camera, my dad said he had to go at this point. He was telling me about church and my sister and the way I should talk to her when she is upset.
He walked off, my eyes caught the a glimpse of the sky. It was a blend of radiant reds mixed with purples, the moon was full and glowing very bright. The other half of the sky was a mix of dark blues and blackish and purples, with white fluffy clouds blended. I said my good-bye’s to my dad, his body faded into the distance. He turned into a dark shadow that seemed to fall into the other side of the earth.
I looked back at the owl he was still there. He did not leave, but he stayed quietly sleeping in my bed. I had a constant fear and worry that he was going to leave – I desperately wanted him to stay. I was frantic about getting pictures because I felt as if he would disappear at any moment. I wanted to capture him on image so I would never lose that moment.
I could not get my camera to work. I never got a picture of him. I decided to lay down and go to sleep next to him. We laid together facing opposite directions and I went to sleep too. I had the sense that he had no intentions of leaving. I woke up to that.
I took a bazillion pictures yesterday and I took video of leaves flying gently through the air. Later, they started to rush out of the trees as if they were on some sort of mission to hit the ground. It was fantastic to watch. It was surreal, beautiful, quiet, and the sun was warm on my face. I wanted to be one of those dried up leaves floating through the air ever so gently. I wanted to share one of the videos, but it was taking a decade to upload. Maybe I will some other day.
Here are a few photos that I found soothing, I thought maybe some others would find them peaceful too.
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Pleasant tune to listen to, both sad and beautiful.
Well I had no idea that one of my all time favorite songs was written while watching High Fidelity! After my recent post Between Real & Fantasy, where I give high praises about the movie, I feel that I MUST share. Simply because, that is all. Because is a good reason – I am sure of it. Fidelity (song) about the song.
Here is the song… a song that cracks open my innards while filling it with splashing auroras at the same time.
I am filled with a lot of confusion and turmoil at the moment. It is quite played at this point. Yesterday, I believe, I saw this next image on my facebook feed. (Originally, I saw it on Inner Aspie’s feed, but then I saw it somewhere else as well so I linked to that page on the image.)
I share this because my anxiety is literally flooding my mind with negative thoughts. I am redirecting myself as much as possible, but sometimes there are so many things to filter through that it makes it almost impossible – almost. It definitely feels as if it is impossible.
How is this linked to the above song? The lyrics reached down into me the first time I heard it and pulled innermost parts of my being back up for air. However, my mind plays tricks on me. My anxieties and fears of being hurt create outlandish tales to try to protect my brittle heart. It has not been treated well in this life so I do have legitimate reasons for such fears.
The night I heard the song for the first time, I cried. It reminded me of someone and it hurt terribly. Several months ago, I became afraid of the song. I do that sometimes. I become afraid of movies, songs, poems, books, etc… Because they trigger utmost pains. Sometimes I go to things that hurt me on purpose trying to dull my pain. It does not work – it makes it worse and sends me into more confusion, pain, anxiety, and stories that my mind makes because I feel like I am missing something.
I feel that I am missing something, but I do not know what. It can cause my brain to loop and send me into dark paths because I do not understand and I do not have answers to feed my brain. Since I have missing pieces I fill it with something, anything just to make all of it stop and allow me to move on. However, that is only a short fix. In time, I end up at the same exact place. Like now, here I listened to this song again and it triggered me to go and look up the word fidelity. Links and definitions below.
I have been pondering the word again for multiple reasons and for my own random research that I do for fun. I am trying something different this time around. In the past, when I pondered such words or my emotions when listening to such a lovely song, I approached it with the perspective of me having little value.
I watched the video longing to be valued and loved with such intensity as is felt in the song. However, I did not feel as if I deserved that type of love, value, or even respect from another person. I have struggled for a long time with wanting to feel valued, but I have managed to continue to seek value from people who disregard my worth.
I have said it over and over again that, I do see my value and accept that I matter, but then I cause myself to eradicate all of that by looking for others to show me that I matter to them. This is a horrible cycle. I read a couple of article about self-esteem.
Back to the song, when I first heard the song it was a trigger of being completely rejected. In my mind, I was rejected for sharing myself and I did not know why. It was the first time I had felt that I was free to be myself and then, the rug was pulled out from under me. I did not understand it, I still don’t, but it was one of the worst pains I ever felt in my life. It seemed that I had no value. I could not read or comprehend motives, reasons, or actions.
Still it was also a moment in time when I actually felt a romantic love. It was all new to me and it felt so good. It felt safe, it felt comfortable, but then it was cut short and not explained in way that I could understand. I took the blame all of these years. I made up stories just to make the pain stop, the only way I knew how – to attack myself mentally.
Today, I am working very hard at stopping that. I did not deserve to be treated with such disregard. I had value and I wished I would have understood that then, yesterday even. Today is today and I brushing off the dust, getting back up, and starting all over again. I use this story because it is one that has attacked me for years, but I have other situations throughout my life that loop around my head as well.
They are all familiar. They are all destructive. They are all things that float in my head that I should not believe.
Here are the definitions of fidelity I pondered on.
2: the degree to which an electronic device (as a record player, radio, or television) accurately reproduces its effect (as sound or picture)
fidelity (n.) early 15c., from M.Fr. fidélité (15c.), from L. fidelitatem (nom. fidelitas) “faithfulness, adherence,” from fidelis ”faithful, true,” from fides ”faith” (see faith).(Online Etymology Dictionary)
Fidelity is the quality of being faithful or loyal. Its original meaning regarded duty to a lord or a king, in a broader sense than the related concept of fealty. Both derive from the Latin word fidēlis, meaning “faithful or loyal”.
In modern humanrelationships, the term can refer to sexual monogamy. In western culture this often means adherence to marriagevows, or of promises of exclusivity or monogamy, and an absence of adultery. However, some people do not equate fidelity in personal relationships with sexual or emotional monogamy. (For example, see polyamory and Open marriage.) Often, however, females inShakespeare are associated with it in a negative sense, such as “She is with little fidelity“. For example, Bertram accuses Helena of having “little fidelity” in All’s Well That Ends Well. (Wiki)
Sharing another song, it was my anthem for a while, but I think I am done with that. Yeah, but I still dig this song very much. It is rock awesome.
I love that title I will have to use it at some point. I got it from this lovely image.
I definitely want to write something inspired by this. It is fabulous!
I think I am going to attempt the poetry style Nonet pretty soon. I have been having fun trying out new styles and learning the rules.
I was also led to the movie High Fidelity today… Great movie. Great book High Fidelity. I am a big fan of Nick Hornby. Funny how life messes with me. Another fabulous soundtrack as well.
What does that have to do with nonets and poetry rules? I have no idea I am just rambling.
“It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.” ~ Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
“What came first – the music or the misery? Did I listen to the music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to the music? Do all those records turn you into a melancholy person?” ~ Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
“It’s no wonder we’re all such a mess, is it? We’re like Tom Hanks in Big. Little boys and girls trapped in adult bodies and forced to get on with it. ” ~ Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
So many great quotes I could go on and on. I will watch the movie again. I am too busy reading other things at the moment. There is nothing like a good flick to shake up all your guts and question fantasy and reality. I still haven’t a clue about anything, but I will tell you one thing, I am tired of my heart hurting so much and being confused by people. I am reevaluating my friendships and relationships, again, (blah!) with another new perspective. How many layers do I have? Come on already! I want to shout inside of myself and say, “Hey! would you please just get to the bottom because I am tired of all of this hooey!”
In retaliation of my imagination I watched this Brian Greene: Making sense of string theory. I figured I needed to get back into my science mind and quite possibly stay there forever! I kid, I kid. However, it is much less painful living there and rather entertaining. Ok, I am done. I just wanted to write a quicky and move on.
I am neither deep nor philosophical today. Well… mostly. All of the critters and creatures fluttering about this fine first day of November have intrigued me. Birds have been flying about, clusters of crows and sparrows have been popping close by. The squirrels are plain silly and a hoot to watch.
The sun made such fabulous paintings across, through, and around the trees, houses, and leaves. The clouds are little gliding poofs, leading into huge blankets of white. All of nature is out there telling stories and prattling here and there.
I went outside to take some pictures and the birds were chattering so much it felt like tickles in my ears. I could not see them, but they were so loud and busy. Finally, a sparrow swooped down close to my head, landed on the roof and stared at me. I tried to take a picture, but he flew off as quickly as he came. After that, all of the sudden the jabbering stopped. It turned to complete silence – it was quite fascinating. The next thing I saw was a swarm of dots gliding across the sky to the other side of the street.
Birds are so funny. I then, decided to go to the back and try to capture some photos of the stirrings going on back there. I got a few pictures, but most of the critters were too fast for me. Still they were very entertaining.
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I went scavenging around in my itunes and looky who I forgot about.(I forget what music I have.)The Civil Wars. Grand, grand they are. I love how they have such enchanting lyrics in some songs, and others can cut through your soul. They spill wonderful stories and can be so inspirational. I have only shared two here. Some of their music makes me feel as if I am floating in a mystical place. I find them delightful.
here’s a note underneath your front door that I wrote twenty years ago
Yellow paper and a faded picture
And a secret in an envelope
There’s no reasons
No excuses
There’s no secondhand alibis
Just some black ink on some blue lines and a shadow you won’t recognize
Oooh
Oooh
Oooh
Oooh
In the meantime I’ll be waiting for twenty years and twenty more
I’ll be praying for redemption and your note underneath my door
And your note underneath my door
If only I had the words, if only I could gather and sort them properly. If only I was able to know what I feel – able to spill and sew them into some nifty, airy quilt. My friends, who have been able to pour out of my fingertips, have left me dull and fading. Neither happy nor sad fills my bones. I do not find solace or rest – oddly enough, I feel as a white blank page. No pen to stroke me, no ink to drag against my white canvas – leaving residue of thought.
Curiously, I sit in the dark, thinking vacant thoughts. It seems somehow that I should be sitting in a parlor room void of humans, a single desk and chair, one candle lit, and melting. The slow flame leaving shadows on the wall and over my eyes. Surrounded by crackling wood in a fire, the only source of warmth, penniless, with my cat, determined to fill my page.
Indeed, there are times when I feel an echo of time, ringing sounds of yesteryear, of a me that used to live.
That is all. I am feeling melancholy, but too chipper about my new book and monkey pants to be a stale face. I wrote out how I was feeling in that tidbit up there. It does not really help since I am unsure as to how I am feeling. I wish my heart would not ache on so many occasions with no explanation. Oh, well I do not have much more to say at the moment. I will leave with a quote, a poem, some fine pictures, and possibly a song.
A lovely day/evening to you!
“No one and nothing can harm us, child, except what we fear and love.”
―from The Wreath, by Nobel Laureate Sigrid Undset
Have patience, O my sorrow, and be still.
You asked for night: it falls: it is here.
A shadowy atmosphere enshrouds the hill,
to some men bringing peace, to others care.
While the vile human multitude
goes to earn remorse, in servile pleasure’s play,
under the lash of joy, the torturer, who
is pitiless, Sadness, come, far away:
Give me your hand. See, where the lost years
lean from the balcony in their outdated gear,
where regret, smiling, surges from the watery deeps.
Underneath some archway, the dying light
sleeps, and, like a long shroud trailing from the East,
listen, dear one, listen to the soft onset of night.
I found this haunting beauty of a song to go with such reading pleasantries… lovely, yes, yes.
I have so much that I want to write, but I am afraid I do not know where to start. The words are jumbling, twisting, vibrating, and colliding. I am strangely happy, yet I feel I should be sad. I am sure my sadness will come soon enough and flutter off as quickly as it came only to return again as I giggle through tears, and laugh looking dismal. Dramatics does run through the blood of poets, right?
Took a few billion pictures today, but I really want to go driving around and capture the amazing images of all of the trees around my neighborhood. Such glorious beauty! Today I gathered photos from my backyard. I picked up a zillion leaves and examined their colors, veins, and stems for fun. I also raised them to the sun’s rays to see through them, or to watch the light bounce off of them. Such fun! That is all I am collecting words for later.
