Well I had no idea that one of my all time favorite songs was written while watching High Fidelity! After my recent post Between Real & Fantasy, where I give high praises about the movie, I feel that I MUST share. Simply because, that is all. Because is a good reason – I am sure of it. Fidelity (song) about the song.
Here is the song… a song that cracks open my innards while filling it with splashing auroras at the same time.
I am filled with a lot of confusion and turmoil at the moment. It is quite played at this point. Yesterday, I believe, I saw this next image on my facebook feed. (Originally, I saw it on Inner Aspie’s feed, but then I saw it somewhere else as well so I linked to that page on the image.)
I share this because my anxiety is literally flooding my mind with negative thoughts. I am redirecting myself as much as possible, but sometimes there are so many things to filter through that it makes it almost impossible – almost. It definitely feels as if it is impossible.
How is this linked to the above song? The lyrics reached down into me the first time I heard it and pulled innermost parts of my being back up for air. However, my mind plays tricks on me. My anxieties and fears of being hurt create outlandish tales to try to protect my brittle heart. It has not been treated well in this life so I do have legitimate reasons for such fears.
The night I heard the song for the first time, I cried. It reminded me of someone and it hurt terribly. Several months ago, I became afraid of the song. I do that sometimes. I become afraid of movies, songs, poems, books, etc… Because they trigger utmost pains. Sometimes I go to things that hurt me on purpose trying to dull my pain. It does not work – it makes it worse and sends me into more confusion, pain, anxiety, and stories that my mind makes because I feel like I am missing something.
I feel that I am missing something, but I do not know what. It can cause my brain to loop and send me into dark paths because I do not understand and I do not have answers to feed my brain. Since I have missing pieces I fill it with something, anything just to make all of it stop and allow me to move on. However, that is only a short fix. In time, I end up at the same exact place. Like now, here I listened to this song again and it triggered me to go and look up the word fidelity. Links and definitions below.
I have been pondering the word again for multiple reasons and for my own random research that I do for fun. I am trying something different this time around. In the past, when I pondered such words or my emotions when listening to such a lovely song, I approached it with the perspective of me having little value.
I watched the video longing to be valued and loved with such intensity as is felt in the song. However, I did not feel as if I deserved that type of love, value, or even respect from another person. I have struggled for a long time with wanting to feel valued, but I have managed to continue to seek value from people who disregard my worth.
I have said it over and over again that, I do see my value and accept that I matter, but then I cause myself to eradicate all of that by looking for others to show me that I matter to them. This is a horrible cycle. I read a couple of article about self-esteem.
The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance
At Last—a Rejection Detector!
Back to the song, when I first heard the song it was a trigger of being completely rejected. In my mind, I was rejected for sharing myself and I did not know why. It was the first time I had felt that I was free to be myself and then, the rug was pulled out from under me. I did not understand it, I still don’t, but it was one of the worst pains I ever felt in my life. It seemed that I had no value. I could not read or comprehend motives, reasons, or actions.
Still it was also a moment in time when I actually felt a romantic love. It was all new to me and it felt so good. It felt safe, it felt comfortable, but then it was cut short and not explained in way that I could understand. I took the blame all of these years. I made up stories just to make the pain stop, the only way I knew how – to attack myself mentally.
Today, I am working very hard at stopping that. I did not deserve to be treated with such disregard. I had value and I wished I would have understood that then, yesterday even. Today is today and I brushing off the dust, getting back up, and starting all over again. I use this story because it is one that has attacked me for years, but I have other situations throughout my life that loop around my head as well.
They are all familiar. They are all destructive. They are all things that float in my head that I should not believe.
Here are the definitions of fidelity I pondered on.
Definition of FIDELITY (dictionary)
1a : the quality or state of being faithful
2: the degree to which an electronic device (as a record player, radio, or television) accurately reproduces its effect (as sound or picture)
fidelity (n.) early 15c., from M.Fr. fidélité (15c.), from L. fidelitatem (nom. fidelitas) “faithfulness, adherence,” from fidelis ”faithful, true,” from fides ”faith” (see faith).(Online Etymology Dictionary)
Fidelity is the quality of being faithful or loyal. Its original meaning regarded duty to a lord or a king, in a broader sense than the related concept of fealty. Both derive from the Latin word fidēlis, meaning “faithful or loyal”.
In modern human relationships, the term can refer to sexual monogamy. In western culture this often means adherence to marriagevows, or of promises of exclusivity or monogamy, and an absence of adultery. However, some people do not equate fidelity in personal relationships with sexual or emotional monogamy. (For example, see polyamory and Open marriage.) Often, however, females inShakespeare are associated with it in a negative sense, such as “She is with little fidelity“. For example, Bertram accuses Helena of having “little fidelity” in All’s Well That Ends Well. (Wiki)
Sharing another song, it was my anthem for a while, but I think I am done with that. Yeah, but I still dig this song very much. It is rock awesome.