Heads up: This is a block of text that I normally do not do on this blog, but it seems that my mind needed to get it out. I cannot really share some things on my other blog I do share some of those tidbits here. It’s kind of my secret place. (kind of) Ok, not really I am horrible with keeping secrets! Ha ha ha It does have less traffic.
I have not had such intense and vivid dreams in a while.
It could be that I had hidden myself from myself for so long. It was much easier to not feel and suppress anything than to look at what I had become in reality. As well as all of the things I was trying to escape from. The truth is I became a shell of myself. It was the only way I could survive my world – it was the only way I learned how to live in the world. I took on an identity and convinced myself to believe that identity. Now I am suffering the consequences of a lifetime of suppression.
I am dealing with the pains of accepting myself.
I think that the dream I had the other night was a reflection of my fears and the uncomfortable feelings of accepting me and the changes that I am making in my life. I heard before “You have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.” I do not recall where. I thought it was a good mantra though. I do not recall all of my dream, but I do remember the part that woke me up in tremendous turmoil.
I will share what I remember.
A person from the post office called me and said that I needed to come down there right away. They had intercepted a package that was to be delivered to my house. They said that they had to open it and they found video footage of me doing horrible things, hurting people. I did not understand why they would have opened it so I asked them why they did. They informed me that the package gave clear indications that it had the potential of being dangerous.
“Whoever sent it has a strong hatred toward you.”
I found this to be so odd and I asked what the package looked like to give them such an impression. They refused to tell me and when I requested to see it, they refused. They said that there was no way they were going to let me look at the package – it was that bad. I was very confused and asked what the video footage had on it. They said it was of a woman harming people at one moment the woman was burning someone with a cigarette. I do not remember what else they said.
As they described it I was emotionally distraught.
I said that I would never do any of those things that they had mentioned. For some reason, they believed me and did not feel that the woman was actually me. They had the impression that someone who hated me was trying to set me up. Still I was worried. I started combing over my memory trying to remember if I had caused any harm to anyone. At one point, I got so confused and unsure as to if I had ever done those things even though I knew that I never had.
I started to question my character and myself.
I started to take on the blame for those actions that I had never done. I knew it, the post person who did not know me knew it, but for some reason I started to doubt. It was triggered by my fear of another person hating me. I failed to mention that in the dream I was also doing what I enjoyed. My life felt on track, and my head was calm and clear. In my dream, the package and the accusations started to cause me to doubt and fold into fear.
I wanted to go down there to see the package.
I wanted to see the video because I could not stand the thought of someone hating me. I then, was overwhelmed with fear that maybe, just maybe I was the horrible evil person that they had videotaped. Maybe I had done all of the rotten and hurtful things the person who hated me so much said. Without even seeing the video or the package, my mind started to accept this about myself.
Right before I woke up, I felt uneasy and confused.
I was battling my conflicting feelings of knowing for a fact that was not me and I never did any of those things, and the feelings of doubting myself and questioning my integrity and character.
I think the dream was self-explanatory.
I have been much bolder in speaking out my feelings and my needs. I am not allowing people to say things to me or about me in sidling words that are not true. I am not accepting things that have been spoken to me over the years because now I see them and know what they mean. Before I was confused. It is as in my dream, I was told things, critical jokes were made, or offhanded comments were made that caused me to question and doubt myself.
It is scary and hard to stand up against these things.
I feel guilty for speaking up and at times, I feel as if I am going to be attacked with words, or forms of passive-aggressive language/body language that I do not understand. Every day I am pressing forward, changing my perception of myself, and changing how I react. My calmness is frightening to some, but that is who I truly am a person who is mostly calm, peaceful, and one who seeks harmony.
I have missed my calm self very much.
I cannot even recall the last time she has been around. My life has been stuck in survival mode for decades. I struggle with anxieties, loops, and negative thoughts and I am fairly certain that I always will, however, my ability to self-sooth and find peace in the midst of my chaos is what I have missed for so many years. Before I spent all of my time escaping into worlds and fixations. I felt that they were the only things I could trust.
I lost all trust in myself.
The reality is that I was trying to escape from the “false me.” I wish I had learned this stuff earlier, I find that being in the now is not so bad. Many things caused me to be traumatized over the past decades and forced me to shut down into protection mode. What I called “losing my joy” was not that at all. I had lost my contentment. Any self-assurance that I did have before had been dwindled into nothing.
I lost myself, my ability to trust myself, and most of all my voice.
In the past ten years or so I really stuffed down any remembrance of my true self. It caused me to slip into a daze and lose my many other skills. There are so many things that contributed this happening – I am very thankful that I can look at them as learning lessons now instead of things to be fearful of. I had no idea all of this was going to come out. Oh, well I will leave it. Possibly, it can help others.