Pictures & Stuff of The Past

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(I accidently published this earlier. I was not finished. It ended up being much longer than I expected. Processing mode. :-/) 

It has been an interesting several days. I am not sure how to express all that I have encountered or even how to process it. I do know that by this afternoon, I sat on a Wall-E blanket soaking up the sun, reading about how “broken bonds” affect those of us who are Aspergers (Autistic) folks.

It gave me many answers, but it also made me very sad. I am sure that was triggered more so by all of the social confusion and social interactions that I have had lately. Even with positive ones, they drain me. I need time to process and regulate my emotions.

I dealt with some pretty hefty emotional traumas this past weekend in regards to high school years. I feel quite good about it. However, it does not change the fact that I have had to be on the phone last week and this week reliving some of my situations as a kid, with my own kids in regards to school and teachers. I feel a little defeated. I am working through it, but it has been a little harder to work through because of the last few days.

I am also, very shaky overall with the breaking bonds thing. I get very frustrated and confused as to why I get so attached to some things or people and other things or people I am perfectly fine if they left my life. I decided to go through some of my books and do a book giveaway, but that has made me start to panic. The thought of letting them go hurts my heart.

I must give some away; I have read some of them so much that I can no longer extract more information from them. They would be beneficial in the hands of another, yet I am feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of letting go. Let some go, I must. I will. I do think my anxieties are triggering such a response.

My day was ruined from the moment I got up and I have been scratching at all the good things to spin it around. It is better. I am drained. So enough about all of that on to some happier (kind of, well partially) times in my life.

The picture I shared the other day of me in California was actually at the end of 2002. I got mixed up because I went out to California twice and now I cannot recall if I went out both times in 2002 or once in 2002 and 2003. It really doesn’t matter; I just find it bothersome when I forget such details.

I have pictures from 1993 as well. I found them when I was looking for something and I had a flood of memories. In 1993, I met my boyfriend T. Very long story; he was not the best to me. We lived together for a while, but thanks to him, I got to travel to Sweden. He was hired to help a Swedish restaurant owner who wanted to establish similar restaurants akin to T.G. I. Friday’s.

Even longer story there… my boyfriend ended up coming home with me after my two week visit. Basically, he was fired for unlawful things so his employment was terminated and he was sent home. It was supposed to be long-term employment, I believe. I know it was supposed to be at least six months to a year, trial type of thing. He had only been there several months when I came to visit. Oh, well all things work out.

I share a little about that boyfriend because it was in 2002 when he contacted me. It had been over five years since we had any contact. I assumed he never thought of me again. He was a bit nervous trying to find me, but he was able to and made contact. He shared that while in Chicago visiting a mutual friend from our past, this friend asked him if he had ever talked to me again. I left the state that we were in abruptly and said my goodbye’s a couple of weeks before I moved. I had not seen him in almost a year I believe prior to the good bye.

That was the last time I saw him, in 1997. I was a little confused to hear from him. He expressed that he and this friend had been talking about marriage (he had not yet been married) and my name came up.

I still did not catch on that he would be interested in me in any way other than, being friends. There are too many details and it is too long to go into, but he and I parted ways as friends. I told him that we were in two different places in our lives and it just would not work. The good news was that I received apologies for many things.

Part of my struggle with him was that he was constantly telling me what was wrong with me. He did things like, take me to a “classy” German restaurant to “teach” me how to properly use utensils and order food. He compared me to Swedish women and made me feel inadequate in so many ways. I am the opposite of the Swedish girls he would point out. I am rather petite, brunette, brown eyes, olive skin… The comparisons made me feel unattractive and worthless.

This was another reason why I assumed he never gave me a thought. There was so much that had to be fixed! I thought he would find someone who not such a catastrophe.

He shared with me that he could not remember a lot, but that he probably did that because he felt insecure about being with me. He told me then how attractive he thought I was. By that time, I was numb. It had been too long. I had too much pain to believe that he meant those words. I could not believe that he would ever find me as attractive as he claimed.

I knew that he meant it – my mind could not grasp it. I think that has to do with years upon years of men in my life doing that to me. They have flirted, or made comments to other women while I was right there as if I did not matter. It hurts and it is confusing. They compared or told me ALL the things that I needed to fix about myself, directly or indirectly.

I did not realize that I needed to process that. I suppose you never really know what triggers will manifest. When your mind and spirit are ready to heal things comes out. They must be dealt with if there is to be healing.

Back to my original topic on broken bonds, they can be positive ones or negative ones. I have only understood at this moment that a bond that I struggle deeply with is letting go all the times men have said or done things to make me feel less than. Whether in looks, intellect, humor, spirituality, as a peer, you name it. I have latched onto men as an authority of who I am and what I look like. Not on purpose, and not completely, but enough to have affected my self-esteem and question my worth.

Come to think of it I have done this with women too. I actually, knew this already I was just unable to comprehend the true inflictions that I have carried deep inside my soul. I know that school memories trigger feelings of ugliness and rejection. I am sure that is playing a role in this at the moment.

I will be processing that for a while, maybe? I feel much better getting all of that out.

I will share some of my old pictures now. There is one where I am sitting with my friend M. M. was a stoner. Whenever he was not at work, he was stoned. He was very laid back and that drove me nuts. Still he was a nice guy and part of my group of friends that I have many positive memories from.  I am a bit intense and hyper at times, though I had many stoner friends the joke was that I ruined their buzz with all my “hyperness.” Hee hee

He would bother me by getting into my space. In the picture, he was sitting TOO close to me and he thought it was funny. On that particular night, I did not care because everyone agreed to go to my favorite club. It played music like Depeche Mode, NIN, White Zombie, Smashing Pumpkins, and other types of music like them. It was also the first night I saw T.

He worked at the restaurant we went to before heading to the club.

Reflecting on life makes me feel so small. It consumes me in thoughts of our galaxy, leading me into questions of the purpose of human existence and my own existence. It makes my chest ache with questions of why, only to come full circle at some point into peace with it all. At the moment, I am hovering in limbo in between 1993-2002. So many bonds were created and destroyed, by my doing or by others and it still hurts.

However, pictures always make me smile and I do love looking into the past.

Smashing Pumpkins – Zero

The Smashing Pumpkins – Today

Holy Cow!

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I say that a lot. I am not really sure why, it is a phrase that has stuck with me. Like fiddlesticks and fahrvergnügen. That is not what I intended to write about, but I could not think of another title at the moment and I am feeling a little in awe.

I plan on writing a post on my other blog about this in more depth tomorrow, but I HAD to write something tonight because it is a big deal for me. I ended up going to my old high school this evening to watch my niece perform in her choral. When I discovered that it was going to be there, yesterday evening, I began to have PTSD (C-PTSD) symptoms because of all of the trauma that I experienced during the four years I was at that school.

The short version by going there tonight, I was not only able to enjoy myself, but it helped to remove many fears and anxieties that I have been holding onto. I feel really good at the moment and cannot wait to write everything out to help me process even more tomorrow.

For now though, I have had a very long day that was only part of the day so I better go take some down time. My brain would not let me until I wrote something!

Real quick “happy dance, big smile, some hand clapping, and a WOOT!” to end this evening.

In honor of my school days, here is a tune that I thought had one of the best intros, but I cannot find it on YouTube. I could only find this video – it is missing the first minute of the rock awesome intro. Oh, well. Rock on Extreme! Lol!

Creative Words Only

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This has been another week full of all sorts of mind consuming issues and seeking direction.The moon kept me up all night. My anxiety is starting reel. I feel alone. Time to work on some positive coping skills. It is tired in here. :-)

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I dwell inside your

being, living as crystal

wells, feel my shimmer?

~~~~~~~~

Good night sweet Love, she called
her tears tasted of dreams,
her laughter zinged as violins,
her heart fused with kaleidoscope skies,
she never knew her Love had been long, long gone;
being a hue of naive saved her

~~~~~~~~~

I got a pair of

skinny jeans Levi’s, and they

are fine, thanks Good Will

$2.50 delights, never thought

I would say that, not a fan -

[of skinny jeans, Good Will; yes]

crazy aunt, convinced me it

was a good idea, pause…

I suppose they are comfortable,

my knee high boots? perfect!

~~~~~~~~~~

I just have to laugh at that last one. HA! I am a goof!

Great Gatsby

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I really want to see the new movie The Great Gatsby Trailer. This is one I would like to see in the theater. I do not like going much anymore because it is too loud and expensive, but I may just go for this one. Maybe. I am interested in seeing how closely they stick with the story or deviate from it. I enjoy that sometimes with movies. However, I was terribly upset when that happened with Interview with a Vampire, years ago. :-)

For some reason, I was irate at all of the “important” details they had left out. I got over it, I was still young and my special interest at the time was vampires. Along with Anne Rice. It felt like such a betrayal to spin her words into such a film. Ha ha ha I do not do that any longer. Now I have made it into a game with movies to see how far off they swayed from the true writings. I especially, like to go and research after watching a movie that is about a real life person. I am amazed at the fabrications that go into these films “based on true stories.” Key word based. 

Seriously, I need to stop posting tonight. I have too much to do! :-)  Good Evening all!

A Boundless Moment

He halted in the wind, and — what was that
Far in the maples, pale, but not a ghost?
He stood there bringing March against his thought,
And yet too ready to believe the most.

“Oh, that’s the Paradise-in-bloom,” I said;
And truly it was fair enough for flowers
had we but in us to assume in march
Such white luxuriance of May for ours.

We stood a moment so in a strange world,
Myself as one his own pretense deceives;
And then I said the truth (and we moved on).
A young beech clinging to its last year’s leaves.

Robert Frost

‘Cause I Am Silly Like That

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Today is one of those days that I cannot leave my posts ending in odd numbers. I have all of them ending in even numbers, except for the one that I will post a little while later that will not end in an even number, but when I add the numbers together it will equal 8 and I am ok with that. Because I love the number 8! There are certain days when I am ok with ending in odd numbers. I normally, have all of them ending with the same number though odd or even. :-/ Yes, I just admitted that. One of my quirks. :-)

So this post made everything even today!

“Someone Special“

I wake up to the sound of rain upon my sill
Pick up the pieces of my yesterday old thrill
Can I deliver this used up shiver
To how I pronounce my life
And I leave it up to faith to go by its own will

Back row to the left, a little to the side
Slightly out of the place
Look beyond the light, where you’d least expect
There’s someone special

A foggy morning greets me quietly today
I smell a fragrance in the wind blowing my way
And ever further I run to find her
I yearn to define my life
Placing my faith in chance to meet me in half way

Back row to the left, a little to the side
Slightly out of the place
Look beyond the light, where you’d least expect
There’s someone special

And she’s here to write her name
On my skin with kisses
In the rain, hold my head and ease my pain
In a world that’s gone insane

Back row to the left, a little to the side
Slightly out of the place
Look beyond the light, where you’d least expect
There’s someone special

Thoughts & Music

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I am drawn to all music styles, today I am soaking in the band Poets of The Fall. I have heard them before, but it was only briefly and I could not take the vibrations that struck my soul when I heard them. I like the way his voice wiggles through my veins mixed with the instruments digging into my emotions. Nice.

The first song made me tear up a bit, but I think it was because I had just read this a couplet. Reading those words made me emotional. It was beautiful to read and it triggered a post that I have been leaving in the back of my mind for weeks. I went in search of the story. I found several things, but I will not link to them all Dialogue between the Fisherman and the Woodcutter. However, what Joy wrote in her post deeply resonated with me.

A chapter titled “Broken Bonds” in the book Safety Skills for Asperger Women recently triggered my post that I have been meshing around that connected to the post I read earlier. I will share a little from the book, but I plan to devote an entire post to help me process.

“Probably because of our perseverating nature, when we find a bond, we grow to it like ivy to a tree. It isn’t an evil obsession perseveration. It’s more like a cherished luxury, a solid sense of honest-to-goodness wonder, to know there is someone out there with whom we can share our true selves in ways that are accepted and, if we are lucky, cherished. Too often we are told we are too challenging or difficult to be around.” ~Liane Holliday Willey, EDD 

“When bonds are broken, taken away, left behind or forced from our hand for any reason, it is devastating.”  ~Liane Holliday Willey, EDD 

Back to the first song making me tear up. I am not exactly sure why, it could be many reasons. I have had a very difficult week. I am hoping this next week is much more pleasant. I am working on a post for my other blog to help me process the laws for my state about standardized testing and accommodation for my son.

I do not share much on here about my children. Because this is a place where I want to have free Angel thoughts,(and I have an entire other blog that is devoted to sharing about them and our life.) but reading all of that information and trying to think of ways to get accommodations written into his IEP are heavy on my mind. There is a lot to process and learn.

This is my “break” post from all of that! :-)  I am feeling very good despite the week that I just had – that is a positive. On this, fine Sunday, that is freezing and I will say I am not happy about that; I leap with a jig and say, “Yippie!”