(I accidently published this earlier. I was not finished. It ended up being much longer than I expected. Processing mode. :-/)
It has been an interesting several days. I am not sure how to express all that I have encountered or even how to process it. I do know that by this afternoon, I sat on a Wall-E blanket soaking up the sun, reading about how “broken bonds” affect those of us who are Aspergers (Autistic) folks.
It gave me many answers, but it also made me very sad. I am sure that was triggered more so by all of the social confusion and social interactions that I have had lately. Even with positive ones, they drain me. I need time to process and regulate my emotions.
I dealt with some pretty hefty emotional traumas this past weekend in regards to high school years. I feel quite good about it. However, it does not change the fact that I have had to be on the phone last week and this week reliving some of my situations as a kid, with my own kids in regards to school and teachers. I feel a little defeated. I am working through it, but it has been a little harder to work through because of the last few days.
I am also, very shaky overall with the breaking bonds thing. I get very frustrated and confused as to why I get so attached to some things or people and other things or people I am perfectly fine if they left my life. I decided to go through some of my books and do a book giveaway, but that has made me start to panic. The thought of letting them go hurts my heart.
I must give some away; I have read some of them so much that I can no longer extract more information from them. They would be beneficial in the hands of another, yet I am feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of letting go. Let some go, I must. I will. I do think my anxieties are triggering such a response.
My day was ruined from the moment I got up and I have been scratching at all the good things to spin it around. It is better. I am drained. So enough about all of that on to some happier (kind of, well partially) times in my life.
The picture I shared the other day of me in California was actually at the end of 2002. I got mixed up because I went out to California twice and now I cannot recall if I went out both times in 2002 or once in 2002 and 2003. It really doesn’t matter; I just find it bothersome when I forget such details.
I have pictures from 1993 as well. I found them when I was looking for something and I had a flood of memories. In 1993, I met my boyfriend T. Very long story; he was not the best to me. We lived together for a while, but thanks to him, I got to travel to Sweden. He was hired to help a Swedish restaurant owner who wanted to establish similar restaurants akin to T.G. I. Friday’s.
Even longer story there… my boyfriend ended up coming home with me after my two week visit. Basically, he was fired for unlawful things so his employment was terminated and he was sent home. It was supposed to be long-term employment, I believe. I know it was supposed to be at least six months to a year, trial type of thing. He had only been there several months when I came to visit. Oh, well all things work out.
I share a little about that boyfriend because it was in 2002 when he contacted me. It had been over five years since we had any contact. I assumed he never thought of me again. He was a bit nervous trying to find me, but he was able to and made contact. He shared that while in Chicago visiting a mutual friend from our past, this friend asked him if he had ever talked to me again. I left the state that we were in abruptly and said my goodbye’s a couple of weeks before I moved. I had not seen him in almost a year I believe prior to the good bye.
That was the last time I saw him, in 1997. I was a little confused to hear from him. He expressed that he and this friend had been talking about marriage (he had not yet been married) and my name came up.
I still did not catch on that he would be interested in me in any way other than, being friends. There are too many details and it is too long to go into, but he and I parted ways as friends. I told him that we were in two different places in our lives and it just would not work. The good news was that I received apologies for many things.
Part of my struggle with him was that he was constantly telling me what was wrong with me. He did things like, take me to a “classy” German restaurant to “teach” me how to properly use utensils and order food. He compared me to Swedish women and made me feel inadequate in so many ways. I am the opposite of the Swedish girls he would point out. I am rather petite, brunette, brown eyes, olive skin… The comparisons made me feel unattractive and worthless.
This was another reason why I assumed he never gave me a thought. There was so much that had to be fixed! I thought he would find someone who not such a catastrophe.
He shared with me that he could not remember a lot, but that he probably did that because he felt insecure about being with me. He told me then how attractive he thought I was. By that time, I was numb. It had been too long. I had too much pain to believe that he meant those words. I could not believe that he would ever find me as attractive as he claimed.
I knew that he meant it – my mind could not grasp it. I think that has to do with years upon years of men in my life doing that to me. They have flirted, or made comments to other women while I was right there as if I did not matter. It hurts and it is confusing. They compared or told me ALL the things that I needed to fix about myself, directly or indirectly.
I did not realize that I needed to process that. I suppose you never really know what triggers will manifest. When your mind and spirit are ready to heal things comes out. They must be dealt with if there is to be healing.
Back to my original topic on broken bonds, they can be positive ones or negative ones. I have only understood at this moment that a bond that I struggle deeply with is letting go all the times men have said or done things to make me feel less than. Whether in looks, intellect, humor, spirituality, as a peer, you name it. I have latched onto men as an authority of who I am and what I look like. Not on purpose, and not completely, but enough to have affected my self-esteem and question my worth.
Come to think of it I have done this with women too. I actually, knew this already I was just unable to comprehend the true inflictions that I have carried deep inside my soul. I know that school memories trigger feelings of ugliness and rejection. I am sure that is playing a role in this at the moment.
I will be processing that for a while, maybe? I feel much better getting all of that out.
I will share some of my old pictures now. There is one where I am sitting with my friend M. M. was a stoner. Whenever he was not at work, he was stoned. He was very laid back and that drove me nuts. Still he was a nice guy and part of my group of friends that I have many positive memories from. I am a bit intense and hyper at times, though I had many stoner friends the joke was that I ruined their buzz with all my “hyperness.” Hee hee
He would bother me by getting into my space. In the picture, he was sitting TOO close to me and he thought it was funny. On that particular night, I did not care because everyone agreed to go to my favorite club. It played music like Depeche Mode, NIN, White Zombie, Smashing Pumpkins, and other types of music like them. It was also the first night I saw T.
He worked at the restaurant we went to before heading to the club.
Reflecting on life makes me feel so small. It consumes me in thoughts of our galaxy, leading me into questions of the purpose of human existence and my own existence. It makes my chest ache with questions of why, only to come full circle at some point into peace with it all. At the moment, I am hovering in limbo in between 1993-2002. So many bonds were created and destroyed, by my doing or by others and it still hurts.
However, pictures always make me smile and I do love looking into the past.