Short version, I am looping. There are many things that have triggered my loop. This particular one is about love, loss, rejection, and connections being broken without any warning. I am feeling emotions from last week being with my mom and her leaving. Several tragedies that have happened in the last few days and the overwhelming stress I am feeling in my life has contributed to my loop. I know this, it does not stop my loop or the painful heartbreak I feel.

I will be fine, I just need to ride it out and process what I can. (Try to get some solitude!)

In my quest, I went into research mode again about broken hearts. I have done this before. I read all sorts of things about it. Maybe this time around I will be enlightened. Ironically, my heart feels full and overflowing. I do not want to call it love; it feels more like bubbling golden liquid that has the consistency of honey, with the gentle fragrance of calla lilies.

“For my part, I prefer my heart to be broken.It is so lovely, dawn-kaleidoscopic within the crack.” ― D.H. Lawrence

I kind of knew, but I did not understand that there are many people who “have” someone in their real life and in a secret life. I am not judging at all, it is something that I did not know. I have had my own struggles with love because I have only had the experience of the feeling of romantic love – I guess, what people would call “falling in love” once. It just did not happen for me, I believe the reason is because I need to feel deep connection and simpatico for that to be achieved. I’ve only had that happen once in my life and it did not work out for many reasons I suppose.

As I read the words of others who are struggling with this in their life as well my heart hurts.My situation is a little bit different because I did not understand that I was having feelings of love in a romantic way. I mean, I did but given my past history and those unknown feelings it was extremely confusing. Still is. It did not help that I felt as though I was rejected without reason from that person. So it confused me even more.

I wonder if others have felt that too though. I wonder if those who have fallen for someone other than, the person that they are with, or they just have not found that impactful love feeling is because they did (do) not know what it is like to love and be loved.

I am babbling, no real answers can come of it, I think. Other than, love is an emotion. It develops and can be nurtured. We all have to begin with learning to accept ourselves which leads to an understanding of empathy and love. However, I find it all too complex and would rather find pleasures in the cosmos and writing poetry because they never reject me and in my mind they love me dearly. Hee hee

Although, what would we humans be if we were all to find our “soul mate” and live happily ever after? Would we accomplish anything at all? Would we ever write great and tragic stories? Would we discover amazing new truths, or would we be too busy complaining about how happy we are? Ha ha ha I do not know.

Yesteryear 

the whisper of my voice,

will never clamor into your ears,

a touch of my dripping lips,

will never know desire again,

my eyes, had once seen beauty,

but now they dredge in dark,

and once I danced in pleasure -

it only broke my heart

~~~~~~~~~~

I read this last night and I am reading it again. RUBAIYAT OF OMAR KHAYYAM By Omar Khayyam

Funny, this song just popped into my head.

dawn rose, stole my stoic grin -
still breath, beneath a clouded moon
once upon a time, I believed

when stardust kissed my sighs,
and the sun told me how lovely it was,
but angels fell as meteors

a caged up heart began to shrink;
once upon a blooming universe -
I sat beneath the raining waves
dreaming of galaxies where I belonged,
and talking planets healed

yet, as colors from a black hole
sank deeply into my ether -
spiral galaxies whispered quantumly,
Still believe 

dusk unfurled, scratching down my gladiator teeth
tearing a lavish frown,
into the trails of a shooting star,
I clipped my wings -
rising on a pink moon

love me!
love me -
like there is no tomorrow,
dream of me,
dream ME -
as though you will never see me again,
breathe in me,
breathe into me;
knowing it will be my last breath,
kiss me!
kiss me!
as if it was your first, (and last)
touch me,
touch me;
with your fingerprints that burn through my flesh,
keep me,
keep me, penetrating your veins,
until the last star falls from the sky,
wait for me,
wait until the quantum leaps,
place us into the same world

~~~~~~~~~~~

That just came out as I was listening to the song above. I just let it come out. We’ll see if it gets edited.

These were all effects from the excitement and “reintroduction” of my mom into my everyday life on Sat. Then, from going out with her and my grandma for several hours yesterday, eating food that I knew would mess with me and going places where my sensory functions would be accosted, as well as being around too many people.

The good news, I did not sit and muse over negative thoughts. Instead, I put it on my facebook page that I was feeling invisible and I received some great comments that reminded me why I was feeling these things. It allowed me to focus on positive ways to cope and no longer feed the negativity. I feel much better now and my exercise class really helped too.

So I must head off to relax and prepare to go to the zoo tomorrow. Again, I am very excited, but with that comes “happy anxiety” which can have negative affects – note to self: Remember your brain is processing A LOT; your brain has not even caught up with your emotions. Prepare for that too!

I want to write a poem to go along with this image. It makes me happy.

Two Lost Lovers by Gabriela Caranfil

This song was on the radio while on my way home from spin class tonight. Love it! Good night! 

]]> http://tidbits8.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/resting-tonight-but-first/feed/ 0 mindretrofit8 Two Lost Lovers by Gabriela Caranfil http://tidbits8.wordpress.com/2013/05/11/short-sweet/ http://tidbits8.wordpress.com/2013/05/11/short-sweet/#comments Sun, 12 May 2013 01:52:33 +0000 mindretrofit8 http://tidbits8.wordpress.com/?p=4396 Continue reading →]]> My mom came into town this morning and I am elated! It has been almost a year since I have seen her. She helps me feel more balanced because she “gets’ how to talk to me and I “get” how to talk to her. We are both Aspergers women, though we are very different in many ways, we are able to communicate with each other easily.

Most of the time, very rarely do we have issues anymore – growing up was a different story. However, we were two undiagnosed Aspergers women who had no idea what so ever that we were Autistic AND the world was extremely confusing, chaotic, stressful, and painful.

It still is, but now we understand why (somewhat) and that makes it a little better. It has definitely, helped us understand that there is nothing wrong with us. Self-acceptance has allowed us to find better coping mechanisms. As well, as being all right with ones that in the past had been frowned upon, now we say, “That’s how I do it.” We are individuals with our own way of doing things. This has helped us to accept each other also.

That’s all I am saying about that right now. I am tuckered out – it was a full day. Grand and awesome and I want to keep it going for the rest of the week. That means I need to squeeze in any amount of downtime as much as possible. Even a few minutes of solitude and quiet will help!

For some reason, all week long wherever I went this song has been playing. I am not sure if the entire town has the same cd mix that they play in their store, or what. I became very suspicious when scanning through the car radio the song came on several different stations. Is there an OMD conspiracy in this town??

It does morph me back into my many watchings of Pretty in Pink… Dang! I confess I still love that soundtrack and the movie. I do, I do!

I could not let it go, I just discovered that they released an album earlier this year. Go figure. I had no idea now I am intrigued to go have a listen. Hee hee

Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark ”English Electric”

I find myself watching them with complete intrigue. I cannot put my camera down and you can find me lurking, sneaking, and peering around my windows to try to catch the best shots of these birds that I am so fond of. They are not full grown yet so they still have some sleek shimmery blue around their heads and the sun makes some lovely colors over their feathers.

If I am not obsessing about the crows, it is with other birds, the squirrels, the flowers, the trees, the ants, I find myself talking to them as if they will respond. Parts of me feel that they do know what I am saying and will respond in some way. However, I do know that the animals and the rest of nature will not be having a conversation with me.

I feel that I am seeking to find connection within myself and with the world. My day is much better in comparison to the several that I have had. I am feeling more at peace, but when in this state I am vulnerable and easily confused by people’s “sudden” personality changes.

I realized today that this confusion is brought on because in my need for order and stability I tend to categorize people. I study their behaviors personalities, actions, etc… so I will not be taken off guard. In my logical thinking, I know that this is ridiculous people are not going to stay constantly the same. I know this based on my observations as well; many times, I am able to recognize their ”loops” and not be thrown by what feels to me to be a “sudden change.”

However, when I feel that my world is in utter chaos and I have lost all control over my environment then, ALL people seem chaotic and confusing. I assume that is why I am looking to nature for comfort. I want peace, order, stability, familiarity, and solace. I find it in the quietude and chaos of nature. I understand nature’s chaos, it is not so complicated to figure out, and normally the chaos can be logically explained quickly.

Human chaos cannot – there is too much wrapped into it and too many complexities to discern, dissect, and explain. Then, again humans can be quite simplistic too and very much explained by looking to nature. There is my infinite riddle of no answers, chaotic musings, with the simplicity of everything and nothing at all. I am babbling – seems my words are coming back to me and messing with my head! Ha ha ha

After I wrote that, this came out. I will share my sciencey, psychology, spiritually, or otherwise type things tomorrow. I suppose.

I was listening to this Explosions In The Sky - Take Care Take Care Take Care – (Full Album.

~~~~~~~~~~~

My heart is full of what I would describe as a loving type of emotion, while longing to feel connection. The disconnect is causing me to feel lost… more like wandering in a way. I am neither happy or sad, a momentary lapse of grayish, to crimson, to burgundy, to  eggplant color, swimming into yellow – reaching out for white and hoping for black.

Not black in a bad way, it is a sense of leaping into a vortex of the unknown; still terrified of the possibility of complete nothingness or utterly everything!

I hold onto the colors as emotions, walking briskly by each face that I have encountered in my lifetime. I have forgotten so many, so many never saw me. I am alone. I am raging with colors and dancing in puddles of mirrors that expose my nakedness, but I never know that I am naked.

I fear, I call out to someone to touch me. Please, let someone know me! There is no one. I look in the mirror shrouded in hues of all and the face is so unfamiliar. Solely, known to ME.

Listening to all the voices, shaking out their vibrations to each other. I am on another plane – my silence is like chaos to them. My eyes are spirals falling into the deep. My mouth speaks confusion in their world.

Where are my friends? Calls out my membranes while I squeak as a mouse in the corner of my room. I do not belong.

What is this love you speak of? My tears whisper through the dewdrops in the morning. I do not know how to be loved by them. I cannot love like them.

Will I ever know what it is like to have what they claim, touch, comfort, peace, the knowing of being adored? My flesh types out into the never-ending quills – ink is solid on the core of keyboards!

I cried on the inside filling my salt-water body with raindrops from the heavens to reach the Universal longing of something BIGGER than, the nothing that tries to escape into my brain cells. They light up my neural pathways, clicking - bouncing, ticking-tapping, zinging-ringing, flaring sparks that cannot be described.

Am I alone? My sweat quivered down my forehead.

Silence struck and I lay bare, beneath the Sun. Glimmering teeth waiting for the walkway to appear. Waiting, waiting for it to appear…

Abiding while my heart bud flowered, unfolding petals, releasing fragrance of want. Wanting something that had no name and all names at once. Each smooth petal being stroked to life, I found my air within the body of someone who was not, never, there.

Singing leaves cradled my bursting stamen floating to catch the ear of my watering Dream. I danced, releasing – letting go of the nothing that I clung to, ripping the roots from my form gently handing them into the arms of all, who looked upon me as nothing at all.

Whimpering petals, fell to the gust of wind hoping to bring back a seed of hope. They drifted on words claiming, “She knows of love. She knows…”  

Find me. My eyelashes batted into the vortex – the reflective mirror.

Is that You? Whispered the creases in my lips.

Look closer, listen quietly. My plumping cheeks quaked, and I cried!

Falling into my slumber of solace, I cried. I cried into my isolated hands. Weeping for a Love to come that never came. A realization that it was never meant for me. Never meant for me. All the qualities of sight meant nothing in the depths of hindsight. I fell to my knees, screaming and cursing the very world in which I do not belong!

Ripping apart my flesh, shaving down to my bones, I spewed, “Lick my wounds you evil disillusionment!” Sinking into my colorful spirals, finding peace where I do not belong.

I am alone.

I find no solace in loving with no love in return. I will find comfort in the only eyes that know me, hiding behind the mirror, calling out my name. Unraveling scars, opening lids that have been closed out of fear. I am soothed in knowing, that I do know of love.

I am comforted in knowing the naked body that stands in front of the mirror, twirling with streaming colors that fill the air with laughter, wonder, life, despite having no arms to wrap around the frame. These lips will curve, through despair, I will cry into the cups of the ocean, and scoop my secretions from the dewdrops that share my words. Blowing them into waterfalls of connection – somewhere.

It has been an interesting several days. I am not sure how to express all that I have encountered or even how to process it. I do know that by this afternoon, I sat on a Wall-E blanket soaking up the sun, reading about how “broken bonds” affect those of us who are Aspergers (Autistic) folks.

It gave me many answers, but it also made me very sad. I am sure that was triggered more so by all of the social confusion and social interactions that I have had lately. Even with positive ones, they drain me. I need time to process and regulate my emotions.

I dealt with some pretty hefty emotional traumas this past weekend in regards to high school years. I feel quite good about it. However, it does not change the fact that I have had to be on the phone last week and this week reliving some of my situations as a kid, with my own kids in regards to school and teachers. I feel a little defeated. I am working through it, but it has been a little harder to work through because of the last few days.

I am also, very shaky overall with the breaking bonds thing. I get very frustrated and confused as to why I get so attached to some things or people and other things or people I am perfectly fine if they left my life. I decided to go through some of my books and do a book giveaway, but that has made me start to panic. The thought of letting them go hurts my heart.

I must give some away; I have read some of them so much that I can no longer extract more information from them. They would be beneficial in the hands of another, yet I am feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of letting go. Let some go, I must. I will. I do think my anxieties are triggering such a response.

My day was ruined from the moment I got up and I have been scratching at all the good things to spin it around. It is better. I am drained. So enough about all of that on to some happier (kind of, well partially) times in my life.

The picture I shared the other day of me in California was actually at the end of 2002. I got mixed up because I went out to California twice and now I cannot recall if I went out both times in 2002 or once in 2002 and 2003. It really doesn’t matter; I just find it bothersome when I forget such details.

I have pictures from 1993 as well. I found them when I was looking for something and I had a flood of memories. In 1993, I met my boyfriend T. Very long story; he was not the best to me. We lived together for a while, but thanks to him, I got to travel to Sweden. He was hired to help a Swedish restaurant owner who wanted to establish similar restaurants akin to T.G. I. Friday’s.

Even longer story there… my boyfriend ended up coming home with me after my two week visit. Basically, he was fired for unlawful things so his employment was terminated and he was sent home. It was supposed to be long-term employment, I believe. I know it was supposed to be at least six months to a year, trial type of thing. He had only been there several months when I came to visit. Oh, well all things work out.

I share a little about that boyfriend because it was in 2002 when he contacted me. It had been over five years since we had any contact. I assumed he never thought of me again. He was a bit nervous trying to find me, but he was able to and made contact. He shared that while in Chicago visiting a mutual friend from our past, this friend asked him if he had ever talked to me again. I left the state that we were in abruptly and said my goodbye’s a couple of weeks before I moved. I had not seen him in almost a year I believe prior to the good bye.

That was the last time I saw him, in 1997. I was a little confused to hear from him. He expressed that he and this friend had been talking about marriage (he had not yet been married) and my name came up.

I still did not catch on that he would be interested in me in any way other than, being friends. There are too many details and it is too long to go into, but he and I parted ways as friends. I told him that we were in two different places in our lives and it just would not work. The good news was that I received apologies for many things.

Part of my struggle with him was that he was constantly telling me what was wrong with me. He did things like, take me to a “classy” German restaurant to “teach” me how to properly use utensils and order food. He compared me to Swedish women and made me feel inadequate in so many ways. I am the opposite of the Swedish girls he would point out. I am rather petite, brunette, brown eyes, olive skin… The comparisons made me feel unattractive and worthless.

This was another reason why I assumed he never gave me a thought. There was so much that had to be fixed! I thought he would find someone who not such a catastrophe.

He shared with me that he could not remember a lot, but that he probably did that because he felt insecure about being with me. He told me then how attractive he thought I was. By that time, I was numb. It had been too long. I had too much pain to believe that he meant those words. I could not believe that he would ever find me as attractive as he claimed.

I knew that he meant it – my mind could not grasp it. I think that has to do with years upon years of men in my life doing that to me. They have flirted, or made comments to other women while I was right there as if I did not matter. It hurts and it is confusing. They compared or told me ALL the things that I needed to fix about myself, directly or indirectly.

I did not realize that I needed to process that. I suppose you never really know what triggers will manifest. When your mind and spirit are ready to heal things comes out. They must be dealt with if there is to be healing.

Back to my original topic on broken bonds, they can be positive ones or negative ones. I have only understood at this moment that a bond that I struggle deeply with is letting go all the times men have said or done things to make me feel less than. Whether in looks, intellect, humor, spirituality, as a peer, you name it. I have latched onto men as an authority of who I am and what I look like. Not on purpose, and not completely, but enough to have affected my self-esteem and question my worth.

Come to think of it I have done this with women too. I actually, knew this already I was just unable to comprehend the true inflictions that I have carried deep inside my soul. I know that school memories trigger feelings of ugliness and rejection. I am sure that is playing a role in this at the moment.

I will be processing that for a while, maybe? I feel much better getting all of that out.

I will share some of my old pictures now. There is one where I am sitting with my friend M. M. was a stoner. Whenever he was not at work, he was stoned. He was very laid back and that drove me nuts. Still he was a nice guy and part of my group of friends that I have many positive memories from.  I am a bit intense and hyper at times, though I had many stoner friends the joke was that I ruined their buzz with all my “hyperness.” Hee hee

He would bother me by getting into my space. In the picture, he was sitting TOO close to me and he thought it was funny. On that particular night, I did not care because everyone agreed to go to my favorite club. It played music like Depeche Mode, NIN, White Zombie, Smashing Pumpkins, and other types of music like them. It was also the first night I saw T.

He worked at the restaurant we went to before heading to the club.

Reflecting on life makes me feel so small. It consumes me in thoughts of our galaxy, leading me into questions of the purpose of human existence and my own existence. It makes my chest ache with questions of why, only to come full circle at some point into peace with it all. At the moment, I am hovering in limbo in between 1993-2002. So many bonds were created and destroyed, by my doing or by others and it still hurts.

However, pictures always make me smile and I do love looking into the past.

Smashing Pumpkins – Zero

The Smashing Pumpkins – Today

I plan on writing a post on my other blog about this in more depth tomorrow, but I HAD to write something tonight because it is a big deal for me. I ended up going to my old high school this evening to watch my niece perform in her choral. When I discovered that it was going to be there, yesterday evening, I began to have PTSD (C-PTSD) symptoms because of all of the trauma that I experienced during the four years I was at that school.

The short version by going there tonight, I was not only able to enjoy myself, but it helped to remove many fears and anxieties that I have been holding onto. I feel really good at the moment and cannot wait to write everything out to help me process even more tomorrow.

For now though, I have had a very long day that was only part of the day so I better go take some down time. My brain would not let me until I wrote something!

Real quick “happy dance, big smile, some hand clapping, and a WOOT!” to end this evening.

In honor of my school days, here is a tune that I thought had one of the best intros, but I cannot find it on YouTube. I could only find this video – it is missing the first minute of the rock awesome intro. Oh, well. Rock on Extreme! Lol!

I dwell inside your

being, living as crystal

wells, feel my shimmer?

~~~~~~~~

Good night sweet Love, she called
her tears tasted of dreams,
her laughter zinged as violins,
her heart fused with kaleidoscope skies,
she never knew her Love had been long, long gone;
being a hue of naive saved her

~~~~~~~~~

I got a pair of

skinny jeans Levi’s, and they

are fine, thanks Good Will

$2.50 delights, never thought

I would say that, not a fan -

[of skinny jeans, Good Will; yes]

crazy aunt, convinced me it

was a good idea, pause…

I suppose they are comfortable,

my knee high boots? perfect!

~~~~~~~~~~

I just have to laugh at that last one. HA! I am a goof!