This morning I am in a very strange mood indeed. I am elated and feeling giddy while another part of me is drawing toward darker moody type things. It seems the battle of bits has begun. One side wanting to enjoy the happiness and the other half wanting to feel drab and gloomy. It could be all of the rain and tropical storm messing up my plans – making my backyard into a swimming pool.
Maybe it’s that.
The gray sky stealing away my sunshine. Although, when it rains critters come out and I do enjoy the critters. Speaking of critters, unfortunately there is a rattlesnake lurking about the neighborhood who already took one victim. A poor family dog down the street… maybe that is making me feel this way too. I always forget how affected I get when animals die untimely like that or, by accident.
It could explain why I have been drawn to Edgar Allan Poe today.
“I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat.”
―Edgar Allan Poe
How I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat… oh, how I wish.
Not today, I must get busy and focus. I am going off-grid, hitting the road tomorrow morning to my new adventures in a new (old familiar) place. The river is calling me home; trees surrounding my new home are already whispering memories of autumn that I have not seen in years. They promised me a beautiful stream of paintings with their leaves, and many stories through their bark, and roots rising to speak to me. Snow has sprinkled its memory to me as well and it can’t wait to tickle my cheeks. Currently, the heat is blasting there begging me to bring the rain. I don’t want to.
I am off, and will be back by the weekend I am sure unless my virtual withdraw gets so bad that I use my iPhone and spill a post with all kinds of silly words that are complete nonsense because I cannot use the itty-bitty touch screen keyboard and I am driving. (I would never type and drive, I don’t think I am that coordinated to do so anyway.)
I will leave with this song that was in my YouTube feed this morning. It sounds sweet and sad at the same time. Just like me today. Still I feel all yellowy blustering with joy, so I must not be too bad off! Whoop!
And to the sunset and the sunrise, I seem to always wait for you no matter where I am… my heart will not bend. Melting under your warmth so far from me, yet keeping me in your sights at all times. I vaporize into you.
I have taken a slight break from my other information consumption’s. I have not eliminated them completely, but I have not been staying with my brainy, techy, mathy, sciency type of loves lately. I do hope they forgive me. As soon as my life gets settled I will be running full force into their arms and letting all of their genius manipulate my brain into accepting the wonders and bewilderment of things I long to understand and enjoy.
I do not know if Marilyn was on the autism spectrum, but I do know that I connected to her for several years. I read everything I could about her, I had posters, life-size cut-outs of her, calenders, pictures, stamps, picture books, that is all I can recall now. I wrote a poem for her, but have no idea what I did with it. I felt for her, and her life. My heart hurt for her and in a way she and I were friends, during a very lonely time in my life. Looking back though, remembering all that I read about her, it would seem the chances were high that she was an Aspie girl.
You don’t love me at all? O God. O Shit.
You still ‘respect me.’ Thanks. I value it
About as much as one who’s asked to use
A second hat when he’s in need of shoes.
Since, I discover, my own self-respect
Is quite enough to keep my spine erect
Why is it true my ample self-affection
Will not suffice to buoy me in rejection?
“Fiction is an act of willfulness, a deliberate effort to reconcile, to rearrange, to reconstitute nothing short of reality itself. Even among the most reluctant and doubtful of writers, this willingfulness must emerge. Being a writer means taking the leap from listening to saying, ‘Listen to me’.” ― Jhumpa Lahiri
I tend to be quite cynical when it comes to “inspirational” type of flicks, or certain types of sayings. I am not when they seem to be full of impact. However, there are certain types that feel like cotton candy to me, or marshmallow fluff. It confuses me when I see others hem and haw all over it. I am feeling like “Negative Nelly” pointing out the absurdity I see, or asking why they think it is so awesome. I wish I could explain it better, but I do not think I can. It doesn’t feel real to me, it feels sugary and pink. That is the best I can articulate what it feels like.
When I decided to watch the short film this morning I was not sure what it was going to be like. I tried to keep my cynicism at bay, and watch with an open mind. I try to do that at all times - that is why it so disappointing to me when I feel like I have been covered in sap after watching something inspirational. I did not feel that way watching this short film. (20 minutes) I am not a fan of the circus, but I think I would totally love “The Butterfly Circus.” I think I would belong there.
Through my adventures I discovered this The MLK that’s never quoted. I thought someone may need to hear it today. Maybe it’s you.
I am not sure why I am on this loop, but I do know that I am trying to connect to people. I am trying to feel connected to humanity. I am seeking those who operate in their vulnerabilities, and who never denied the fact that they were fully human and not capable of perfection. Changing the world whether through grandiose ways, or simply in your living room only takes a small thing – being vulnerable.
Sharing in humility, exposing fears, reaching out when you feel like no one is reaching out to you, small tasks. Conversations with those you didn’t know existed, finding a common ground, seeking to empathize, feel, walk, speak, see, what someone else is going through. I think I feel very alone right now in a specific situation (several actually), but I am finding comfort with people who share similarly in my situation. Their act of reaching out even through a short comment on my blog, was enough to make me feel connected. Understood. Relating to my fellow humans. No matter what, I have to accept the fact that I am part of the human race. I cannot trick myself into believing I am truly alien – in all ways.
I guess that is why I am seeking to listen to those who broke right in front of us changing our world in many incredible ways. I am not seeking to change the world in some grand way, I am seeking to feel like I belong in it… somewhere, by someone. My heart seeks to be understood through loving, kind words, and a bit of encouragement that someone else knows what I am talking about. At least not brush my feelings off, at least try to understand. The confirmation that I am not alone, no matter how many times my brain tries to tell me that I am. No matter how many times I feel completely alone around people – someone out there knows and can relate to what I am feeling.
I am not sad, I am only searching for balance.
You know that I am all over the Google Doodle today and LOVING reading about Alan Turing. I so enjoy consuming the history of people’s lives.
For some reason this song is playing in my head The Smithereens – A Girl Like You. Wow! I haven’t listened to The Smithereens in forever, I wonder what triggered this song… Who knows. OH! I used to love the next song! I really loved it after discovering the power behind the lyrics. (I was a teenager and my friends thought I was freak because I insisted that they did not sing the song unless they knew what it was about. I did that with a lot of songs. :-/) Midnight Oil – Beds Are Burning I can totally do his voice. I saw it on the youtube thread and had to listen and share.
and this is what happens to my autistic mind when I go into a shutdown. Music. I need music. It pumps my heart, it makes me breathe, it is a sifter to my soul – shaking up all of my little parts letting go of what I do not need. It keeps those other bits that require attention or that make me – me. There is a lot to my love affair with music I will only share briefly. However; this post is longer than I expected it to be. (I have come back to the top to reread all that I have written.)
I confess for years I thought something was wrong with me because I was drawn to music that seemed darker than what others seemed to like. Such as being obsessive with White Zombie for a period of time. I really like this song “Feel So Numb.” I was addicted to “More Human Than Human” for months. I played it repeatedly for days on end. I listened to a lot of Type O Negative during that time as well. (Peter Steele is missed.)
There were not many girls (or guys for that matter) who were into my music. I had a couple (Literally, only two I can think of.) that shared my interest in thrashing beats and steel-toe boots, but mostly the girls were into the dance club music. Light and fluffy, feel good, make you smile type of stuff.
I am not that girl. Even when I took all secular music out of my life (brief period of insanity) I couldn’t handle the mainstream religious music. I still enjoy the music I found, but now the words and feel can be triggers for some painful times. However, here are a few of my favorites. I dig Vineyard music.
So near – VINEYARD (One of the best, it is hard rockin’ sweetness. You can scream if you like. Hee hee)
Holy - The church that I had the most positive experiences in had amazing musicians, when they played this song it would get raging intense. It was awesome freedom. I wish we could have freedom like that with no religious trappings. Not only with faith, but also with everything in our lives. I think that is why Flash mob is such a hit with people. Everyone just wants to let loose and feel freedom.
I am a whore i do confess But i put you on just like a wedding dress And i run down the aisle Im a prodigal with no way home But i put you on just like a ring of gold And i run down the aisle to you
Sometimes you have to get a little old school Vineyard up in the house. Wooooo!! Happy feet! All Creation. The album Hungry originally came out in 1999, but I had not heard it until 2001 because it was from the U.K. I seem to be drawn to more music in other countries. I do like my U.S. music, but I have an affinity toward music from all over the world.
I enjoy a little shackle-free dancing too. Hee hee I was part of the dance team at one of my old churches at one point. We did hip-hop and lyrical. We were so street! Ha ha ha We did a dance to this song Shackles.
One of my favorite soundtracks was from The Apostle…and Pulp Fiction…and Natural Born Killers…and…and…I could go on forever with soundtracks. Sometimes I like them WAY more than the actual albums.
Wow, I did not intend to share so much – I still have more. I like songs that make me feel. I like songs that pull out my guts. I need to experience my emotions full force so I can embrace them. That does not work with some music. Now do not get me wrong I dig all kinds of tunes even some of the “feel good” types, but there are certain sounds that I have a kindred spirit with. Mostly acoustic or music with thrashing chords and hard drums typically draw me into them. I do adore the simplicity and complexities of sounds that make my ether soar.
Though, my heart does cry for sounds that I can only describe as digging. They feel like they are churning something in my body, and pulling up dirt splattering it everywhere. Like this song.
Then, I’ll get a crush on music like this Peatbog Faeries – Captain Coull’s Parrott. My body throbs for Celtic music, this has a unique flare to it, but it makes me feel all breezy like floating on the air being a whimsical chic.
Sometimes I really want the raging lyrics from The Runaways….“Cherry Bomb” (1976) “Hello world I’m your wild girl, I’m your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch cherry bomb!”
After I get my groove on, I can leap into music like this.
I went through some of my music, can you tell? I am barely able to communicate with human adults at the moment. Only my mother in real life actually, all the others are talking too much and causing my ears to bleed. I am doing much better with virtual people, but still I have to limit myself because my flesh feels like it is exposed to the wind right now. I had words flood out of me, but I do not think the poem is finished – I do not feel done.
My Beat
I have a beat, it’s pounding
Drowning out, my delirious ways
Opaque wiggling through the impenetrable
Stung with color
Leaping eyelids
Speaking urges with my wet lips
Listen closely
My words reveal secrets paths
Racing down trails
Covered in lightening bugs
Songs prancing their tunes
In and out of trees dangling leaves
I found my beat, stepping on banging stones
Pounding naked toes, tapping
Cracking sounds into my bod
Exploding awake – cognizance
You found me
Pouring out lyrics
Thrashing limbs to drums
Strumming percipiency
Expounding guitar strings
Lips whistling precipitant thoughts
Honestly, I annoy myself when I am like this. The feeling of sentimentality, longing to be overly affectionate. It drives me mad. I do enjoy my hard shell, when it turns soft it becomes bendable and easy to crack. These emotions are hard for me – I want to tell people how I feel, but it costs me too much. Too much.
My mom and I sat on the beach both of us with our solid clanking shells intact. She shared with me that she started to cry the other day because she is going to miss us terribly. She will never show me her tears, nor will I show her mine. It is too painful. However, she said that someone looked at her as if they were going to comfort her. I yelled, “No! No comforting, NO COMFORTING!” She agreed. Comfort in our minds automatically goes to hugging, or “feel good” talk. We don’t want any of that.
Let us cry, let us hurt, let us hide behind our stonewalls, let us gather our favorite things and soak up our brains in evasion for a while. Our type of comfort is embracing the pain – it hurts like hell and feels like the heart is going through a shredder, but it is real. Comfort in pain brings joy mixed with sorrow. No fluffy comforting here. We look to accept that we are sad, we hurt, we will cry, and feel some depression being separated once again. Though, we know that we will see each other, and now I am going to be Skyping her butt! Ha ha ha
She hates the phone as much as I do, we would go months and months and not talk. I think our longest time was about six months, I cannot recall exactly. Time slips away from us and that is why we do not like to be separated, we lose precious time that cannot be brought back… Until we are made into robots! She does not know the plans I have for her. She has made it very clear since I was a child that I am supposed to cremate her, throw a grand keg party, and play Spirit in the Sky (Norman Greenbaum, people!) on the day of her funeral. I am not doing that – I am taking her brain and connecting it cyborg body and she is going to live as long as I want her to. Then, we will have a grand keg party! Shhhh! If she knows my plans, she will do something sneaky. She is like that.
I am evading my sadness – clearly! I will continue to project my emotions upon the ocean, and other objects that do not hurt so much like my house. Too many things are happening in my life – too many emotions – too much joy and sadness making me a dizzy mess, and I have only taken the cellophane wrapper off. I want to tell everyone how I feel and it seems to be all mushy. Blahhh! This too shall pass, maybe I am trying to comfort myself by trying to bring comfort to others? Who knows, I am too busy to try to figure out what my brain is up to today.
Here’s to you mom! (She will not read this which makes it perfectly fine to share all my mush. She would probably say, “Oh, enough already stop being so mushy.” Lol!)
So, for some reason my mind is feeling giddy and happy and for some reason it makes me think of fire, flames, candles, burning, fire, fire, fire! Ok, my jolliness is getting to me. I was rushed with sadness earlier today. I am starting to freak out a little about the big changes in my life. However, I did work through some past pains that also were connected to my body image. It was good, healing, and releasing. Though my heart still seeks answers for some things in my past. I know that I may never get them – at least I have found some healing within myself today.
Now that I think of it when I felt this way in the past, I used to stare at candles. I used to have a ton of candles and I would burn them watching their flames - thinking my thoughts in the dark. Using them to light my cigarettes as I wrote by the shadows in my room. My shadows that brought comfort and my candles that danced for me until they melted to nothing. I have always been drawn to fire also. At campsites, I would stand as close as possible, playing with the flames. Watching the wood as it was consumed by the raging blaze. Blistering wood gulped up by such a powerful force.
Don’t worry I never started any fires I just liked to watch them in responsible ways.
Sometimes I need a dose of Alanis, she was my best friend for several years – she didn’t know it though.
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here
I went to the beach again today! Again! Insanity I tell you. It was a perfect day. Still a little bit of seaweed, but the water was much cleaner and so was the sand. As I was walking on the pier there were crows and seagulls flying all around. Now I have never seen crows at this beach before. I have seen them hang out down at the other beach where there are trees and showers for them to hang out at and bathe, cawing at passerbyers.
One fella sat right at the end just waiting for me. He let me get a picture and watched me for a few minutes until he decided to take off. He did not leave though – he kept coming around close to me and then, he brought his seagull friend. He was not hanging out with the other crows that flew to other places. Those crows did not feel like hanging out with me. The other seagulls were all flapping and flying around also trying to catch fish.
I thought it was so funny that this crow and seagull hung out the whole time I was at the beach, and they decided to stay close to me. I talked to them of course, and I told them what an odd couple they were. They informed me that I needed to appreciate their unique kindred spirits. (Though, not that unique since crows are quite diverse birds, which can fit in with other birds to the point of mimicking them very well.) Indeed I told them that they were correct and also that they reminded me of a song I was listening to repeatedly the other day.
As well as a grand folk song I shared with my friend Sam.
Here is my crow and his friend who came to sit with me today. I love you crow. He didn’t tell me his name so I will just call him crow, but I do love him. He made me very happy today. I think my crow likes this song.
The ocean called once again today. I think it is getting sad since I will be leaving it soon. It crashed and roared spitting out seaweed all across the shore. I was shocked to see it covered and sitting there with such a stench. My little ones and I stood on the edge of the water wanting to play in its soft, cool water, but the seaweed continued to attack with its beady little pricks and pokes. Scraping across our feet, trying to cut us away. Rampant seaweed doing the evil bidding of the angry ocean. Most assuredly, it is filled with bubbling jealousy since I am leaving it to go back to the river.
My first love, beckoning my heart with its own stench. I do love the ocean so – it is much more grand than the river, unless I go visit the rapids that indeed pull and tug at me to come get beaten up, my body being bruised by its hidden rocks. Eyes blurred by the amazing canvas wrapping around it, hiding glorious treasures to be explored. Oh, how I wish I had both bodies surrounding me with their loving caress… I do have such an affinity with water. I will float now.
Sometimes this song… hmm… this song I could listen to a billion times.
I was listening to the next song and decided to look up the songmeaning site because I find it interesting to read how people interpret songs. Many times I have seen people say that a song is about sex, drugs, or love. I wish people didn’t make it so simple. True poetry and songs are not that simplistic. It normally has layers of wonderful things to capture. Our world has layer upon, layer piled on from years and years of whatnot. Whatnot’s spewing seaweed all over my beautiful beach. HA!
And if I close my eyes I can still see you dancing Laughing loud and undiminished
Indeed Mr. David Gray, indeed your lyrics twinge my heart, capture my black spots I have hidden in the back of my soul to be awakened at this moment. My body swells with disconnect, fully connected to something tonight.
I am going to go talk to an elephant now. He lives in my closet, sneaking peeks into my religious books and tells me how I have had it all wrong. Sometimes he is pink and wears a tutu when I practice ballet. La la la la la la I am just being goofy pay no mind my shenanigans. Unless you feel like dancing with me and my elephant coaxing him with music trying to get him to sing.
I have a little secret… I have no idea what to do with myself when I feel happy! There are several types of joy that I feel which is entirely different from happy. I can be full of joy and sad at the same time. Now that I think of it I am extremely happy, but as I was vacuuming my iShuffle, went into Mumford & Sons - After The Storm and I felt my heart ache with a sadness. As the song rolled out its lyrics I got teary eyed. Still I am happy.
How do you operate in “happy”? I have no idea – I must sound like a complete nutter! Oh, well. It is true my mind starts racing when I feel this feeling then, it prepares for the moment that it will go. It will not allow me to enjoy the emotion. It’s a waste to enjoy it because it will be gone soon enough, right? Egad! That is awful! I kid, I kid.
I found a jelly bracelet that I bought back in 2002, while packing up some things today. I laughed at myself for keeping it. I have a bunch of them from Halloween because I like the black ones. I used to wear them all the time when I was a kid. I know that this one is from 2002 because of the color… I didn’t know I kept it. I am wearing it – it makes me smile. I am such an odd ball. Who else finds happiness in a jelly bracelet? Anyone? Here have one.
I keep thinking of the sky blue and a bursting sun. I also have Nirvana – “Lake of Fire” blasting through my head. Awww… the things that make happy. Let me go find the song and share it too. This is the face I am making. (First the girl then, the video face. Hee hee)
Oh, and the Stray Cats thanks to my mom playing it in her car yesterday. She loves them. I dig them too. AND CATS!
(I would never type and drive, I don’t think I am that coordinated to do so anyway.)
