I found the song below last night, I had not heard of SoKo I am not even sure how I found her yesterday, it may have been from images, or a word I was looking up. I cannot recall, it was not through a music source – I tend to find music in different ways. Not always, often I can find them through other videos I am watching or tunes I am listening to, but many times I find them because of another interest I am seeking.
Anyway, I listened to some of her songs, and her lyrics made me laugh. They were raw, real, and forced images or feelings that other songs like to keep tame. I have been enjoying her and smiling. When I heard the song below it made me feel like the image I share.
This image makes me calm happy!
Herschel’s Cygnus X
Finding Some Words
I have trigger words that can send me into spirals of pain, and anger. One of those words is “liar.” That is one of the worst words you can call me. It is devastating when the person knows that this is a trigger word and they use it. AND they know that it is not true. I cannot explain with complete clarity how it makes me feel. I can explain that throughout my life I have been called a liar. I have been accused of things that I did not do, many times people didn’t believe me because I would lose my words and I could not defend myself.
The shock of being accused of something I would not do – the majority of the time not even think about doing would shut me down. I was only able to stare blankly, with my mind soaring a million questions. People who know me know that lying makes me cry. If I manage to get a lie out then, it will eat at me. I can go into depression. I start to attack myself verbally. I have to work very hard at manipulating my brain to even allow me to be ok with “white lies”, but I am not good at them either. I can do it, but it is so much work.
Being called a Iiar makes me sob – filling my day with tears. I was told by a person who knows me that I lied to them. I managed to get the words out “I never lied to you.” They were referring to the person I “portrayed” myself as years and years ago. When I said that they said, “You lied to yourself, and that is lying to me.” They did add that I was unaware that I had been lying to myself, but the words flew. In my mind I cannot understand such anger toward me if they know I did not do it intentionally.
I am already going through my own trauma of realizing things, seeing what I have done to protect myself throughout my life. I understand their anger, but I do not understand some of the things said to me or why they were said. However, I am at the moment only stuck on the word liar. It is pounding in my brain, beating me up - causing me confusion, and hurting me. The word is stuck, and now I am looping and cannot get past being called a liar. I see the injustice too of this person accusing me of the very thing they have done.
It goes deeper than being called a liar. I know that I am not a liar so that is not the true problem. It digs into the past – false accusations, fears of people, and the misuse of words. Lying requires misusing words and causing them to become tainted and ruined in their purity. There is a difference between telling a story, or writing poetry to manipulate words. Words enjoy that – it is fun. It is not fun to be twisted to harm another person’s heart, mind, or body. Then, words become something they should not be – evil. They should not be used to manipulate a person in such ways. I have more to ponder on this.
It is going to take me some time to work through this. I am not sure how to let it go. I am not sure how to not believe that it was said intentionally. I do not know how to let emotional spurts like that go. I am in a calm place, but I know I need to process a lot more. That was only one word. There were many words that flew. I hope my brain does not grab hold of them. I am going to have to write everything that I am feeling since I was unable to speak yesterday. I am still unable to speak much about this situation.
I will write, listen to songs, and find my words. These emotions should make for some good writing material.