My mind is racing collecting all sorts of information, but unable to get it out through writing or speaking. I do not feel like talking, my words are not coming and my auditory processing is having difficulty interpreting words, sounds, but music is helping. I want to be left alone. I do not mind being with my kids they are a joy, but adults I would prefer not to interact in the physical realm. Ha, that sounds funny. I am not upset or annoyed I simply cannot find my words and when I do anxiety stirs because I am afraid that I will be interpreted wrong.
So … like many of the posts I put on here this one is a gathering of collections and connections of thoughts soaring as a multitude. I have been triggered into memories of some deep pains that have happened to me throughout the December month. I am determined to work through them this year and hope to not go into a cycle of depressive thoughts. In doing so my brain has latched onto several things, one being the word Utopia. I think a poem may be brewing, but until it is bursting forth I shall ponder on the intrigue my mind finds in the word. I am studying the word now.
I find no peace in the thought of a perfect society. I find no peace or comfort in perfection. Even my feelings of any sort of Heaven contains sadness mixed with joy – darkness mingled with light.
I really like this quote,
Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man. ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky
Especially, the thought of beauty being a mystery as well as terrible. However, when I think of Utopia I do not think of it as many people do – I see it as duality as I see most things, but in the sliver, the middle where the black-and-white hover so closely that it looks as though they are not separated, it is there where the gray dances, swirls, blends, bends, entices change on either side like a slow rumbling volcano waiting to erupt a new truth. Yeah, right there in that place is where I hang my Utopia.
It is there that I swing back and forth swaying to the ripples that penetrate deep angst and wondrous bliss – searching for all the other emotions I cannot find words for.
Those are my rambles for the night – I hope getting that out will allow me to be able to find some words by tomorrow.
Good night all! Wishing you a pleasant evening or day. (It’s evening here and snowing, snow makes me sad-happy.)
These are what I am currently reading.